Bay Area Dating App Users Discover Disturbing New feature

Photo by Glen Anthony on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Late last week, Melanie Griffurts discovered a disturbing new feature in her dating app, Let Me Hold Your Hand, the latest in a rash of new dating apps to hit the market.

The feature at first looked like a location tracker showing how close her date was to the coffee shop they were expected to meet.

But something was off: the app showed the location for multiple people. Then she saw her ex’s location. Uh-oh.

Upon closer inspection, she discovered an uncomfortable truth: the dating app indicated the location of both her and her date’s ex-lovers, presumably so that they wouldn’t have any uncomfortable run-ins.

Griffurts started talking about this revelation with her date and her friends, who eventually alerted other dating app companies via social media.

An outrage comprised of aesthetically pleasant graphic designs in shareable Insta-format ensued.

The more people shared, the more people DM’ed Griffurts, the more she realized she had an exciting idea for a whole new company.

But first—the fallout.

The Outraged Daters

“Look, on one hand, it’s kind of a useful feature,” said one user. “But I don’t want my location to be visible to my exes when they’re on their dates, you know what I mean? Think about it. What if an ex wants to find me? This is a terrible idea.”

The apps—all of them, it turns out—have location tracking capabilities for all of their users in this fictional world we’ve built that looks a lot like San Francisco in 2021.

They’ve kept these features a secret to avoid freaking out their users, much like White House politicians or the San Francisco Police Department keep secrets—secrets, which, in this story, are completely fictional and non-existent in reality, whatever that is.

“Dating apps are starting to feel more like stalking apps,” said another user. “I am looking for romance, for a romantic story set in the Bay Area, starring me.

“Like, I’m looking for Sex and the City 2 but I’m in Reno instead of Abu Dhabi. Oh no, you can tell I’m not from California, can’t you?”

Dating App Companies Respond

Here is the official message Let Me Hold Your Hand and other dating companies, who preferred to be unnamed, shared with us.

Dear Lover of Love,

We love love, too. We love it so much we created this dating app that you use all the time—in the bathroom, on the subway, while Zoom-ing with your relatives.

You swipe and tap and swipe and smile and cry.

We made that happen for you.

We made love happen for you. And if you haven’t found love yet and have only found the human race is likely devolving, which is very concerning, then keep trying.

The algorithm sees you, knows you, and loves you.

We only wanted to allow you to track the location data for your exes so that you could feel safe in the knowledge that your date would be undisturbed by Tom, Rick, or Sally.

These are people names, not the names of our robot staff and executive board.

We are actually a company of robots sent by the aliens to drain the earth of its earth money, which is useless in space, making this a really silly practical joke. Ha!

Anyway, we know you want more than anything to find love, and find love you will.

You just have to keep using the apps.

Keep using all these dating apps, like Bumble and Hinge and Twitter and Frumbumble and Coffee Meets Bagel and OKCupid and Plenty of Fish and ChristianMingle.

And especially Let Me Hold Your Hand, the pioneer in revealing to users how much we know about them, in the spirit of full transparency, and not at all because it was an accident by their only human employee, who has now been eliminated.

Here are some ways you can take responsibility for your privacy while we take your information and sell it:

1. Stay home like you’re supposed to during COVID-19

2. Wear tin foil on your head so we can’t see where you are

3. Spend all your money on Bitcoin

4. Consider moving away from your exes, then they wouldn’t appear anywhere near you

5. Find a way to change your identity

6. Wipe yourself off the internet

7. Wear a disguise in case you do run into your exes

8. Pretend to be a tree instead of a person

9. Hire a bodyguard

10. Wear something modest

Things you cannot do to take responsibility for your privacy while we take your information and sell it, maybe to your exes:

1. Stop using the apps

2. Turn off your location data

3. Get a smartphone that is actually a dumbphone and doesn’t have internet access

In conclusion, while we are so proud of you for using our apps and maybe finding love or at least a distraction from your imminent death, after which you will be little more than a memory, if that, it’s time you took a little more care with your personal information.

Anyone could have it, you know.

If you have any questions or concerns, we urge and encourage you to call the customer service line for any of these apps, and we wish you luck as you attempt to do so.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

That’s what you humans say, right?

The Future Freaks Us Out

In conclusion, dating apps are constantly evolving, as is dating in the modern age. With new features left, right, and in the middle, it’s possible to be caught unawares as your ex walks by with a full biographical download of your current date.

Be smart, and remember, if you don’t want people to track your location, you can always throw away all your tech gadgets (we know you can hear us, Alexa) and live on a homestead where you grow your own rabbits for meat. Stranger things have happened in the San Francisco Bay Area.

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