Oakland Safety Project Stops Accidents Using Scary Clowns

Photo by Max Bender on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Fruitvale is known for its high speed drivers and scary accidents. Which is why the city of Oakland is taking special precautions and ultra-modern measures to curb speeding cars.

This is a serious situation, and the preceding part is true. However, what comes next is not, unless the city of Oakland decides to finally take our comment box suggestions.

The city of Oakland has decided to introduce seven mini speed bumps or speed cushions to the area. In addition to the cushions, the city has decided to incorporate scary clowns that randomly jump out at you and scare you as you drive by.

It’s (not) true!

Scary clowns are posted in hidden places around the speed cushions, and sometimes just randomly along the road. They jump out at you and sometimes hit your car with a bat if you’re driving too fast.

“Their identities are hidden for protection purposes,” said one official. “These clowns are public servants. And we’re not in the business of getting clowns beaten up.”

We’ve found the seven clowns whose job it is to scare the bejeezuz out of local travelers to keep them under the inexplicably low speed limits of 25-45 miles per hour.

They were willing to speak, but only under a veil of fake clown name secrecy.

The Clowns Speak

The seven clowns are a unique bunch, all energetic, a little sadistic, and not entirely sure what are the boundaries of their new jobs.

Can they hit the cars? What if they get hit?

Can they cause accidents if they scare a driver who is driving too fast? Is that the point?

We do not know their gender identities because they all modulate their voices, but we have other pertinent information as the best fake news site in town.

Here are the seven clowns as well as their stats and special skills.

DJ Crimby

· Appearance: 5’11, wears a bright orange construction uniform

· Special skill: airhorn when the light turns green but you’re looking down at your phone still

· Fun facts: dislikes hearing loud noises, enjoys making them

· Weakness: the smell of pizza

Stella Luna

· Appearance: 5’2”, wears pink dresses and combat boots

· Special skill: can actually fly and land on your hood while wielding a sandblaster

· Fun facts: is turning into their mother and kind of likes it

· Weakness: cute guys wearing business casual on a Sunday afternoon while on a sailboat or while speeding in traffic

Chaumsy

· Appearance: 5’9, wearing head-to-toe gingham and sharp stilletos

· Special skill: will hit your car with a baseball bat and is unapologetic in doing so

· Fun facts: actually did go to clown school and is living their best life

· Weakness: people driving by blasting E-40 and singing along

Mrs. Maudge

· Appearance: 5’5, wears an apron and house slippers

· Special skill: incredibly fast while shoving a picket sign into the slit of a closed car window

· Fun facts: bakes cookies for the other clowns every week

· Weakness: at sundown she melts into a puddle until the next morning. Mrs. Maudge simply does not exist at night.

Stealth Gator

· Appearance: 7’2”, is an alligator dressed as a clown

· Special skill: chomping bones and is much faster than you’d think. Can easily catch up to a speeding car.

· Fun facts: wants to eat the other clowns

· Weakness: chicken of all varieties, including raw, and also sappy romantic songs, and also those people who twirl and fling giant signs into the air, he wants to eat them all

Ben Taylor

· Appearance: 6’2”, wears a police uniform, clown wig, and face paint

· Special skill: firing a taser into a speeding car with maximum satisfaction and without getting dragged behind the car

· Fun facts: wishes they had a job as a radio DJ but their parents said clown officer is a better career move and don’t they want a family someday?

· Weakness: the ladies

Donald Trump

· Appearance: 6’3”, looks like a business man who is also an Oompa Loompa—very orange

· Special skill: making money out of thin air, lying, fabricating information, having an impenetrable sense of self-wroth

· Fun facts: is actually an alien, like the aliens at the sideshow in Oakland the other week

· Weakness: air, sunlight, clapping, no clapping, people talking, Twitter, and also the U.S. government.

The Clowns at Work

These clowns are ready for a fight with high-speed traffic, and they’re not afraid to use their special skills to make a difference in Oakland, especially parts of Oakland where you can almost guarantee that if you go there, you’ll get carjacked at gunpoint.

Now, while that may be true, what is not true is that this dynamic team is ready and has already done a few “test drives” on the streets to see how their tactics may work to slow traffic down in usually high-speed places.

Mrs. Maudge was the first to report back to us. “Oh, almost all the people driving fast break for me. They say I look like their mom or aunt or some old lady they know! Yippee!” said Maudge. Boy, we’re glad she’s around.

Trump, too, got back to us with an in-depth report we aren’t sure is true. “Look, thanks for the job, okay? I’m glad to get to keep doing my thing, saving the world, and making some money. Mmm, money. This is paid, right? No? Oh, then whatever. Nobody breaks for me anyway. Feels like they’re trying to hit me. Dummies,” said clown Donald Trump.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, these clowns are taking to the streets. It’s in your best interest if you don’t speed in Fruitvale, nor anywhere else. Stealth Gator is known to find his way into the sewers and appear in Berkeley and even Montclair, just chomping away at cars whether or not they’re driving the speed limit.

It’s a wild world out there. We recommend driving safe, or staying off the roads entirely in observation of us nearing the one-year anniversary of COVID-19 shutting the world down.

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