People Get COVID-19 Vaccines with Extraordinary Loophole

Photo by Daniel Schludi on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

It’s now common knowledge that there are ways to get a COVID-19 vaccine even if you’re not in a high risk group and are not 65 years old and older.

But have you heard of the extraordinary lengths some people are going to make sure they get their vaccine?

Here goes nothing! For the record, this article is almost completely useless. It is just for fun.

Getting a COVID-19 Vaccine

Rodney Dangerzone, a 35-year old male with a strange name, wasn’t due for his COVID-19 vaccine.

But he decided to take matters into his own hands.

He used a Harry Potter aging potion from a guy he met under the Golden Gate Bridge and grew a beard almost instantly.

“It’s been a great way to get around the age restriction,” he said. “But the beard won’t stop growing, and I’m told it’ll never stop. Ever.”

Dangerzone is known for being the guy who doesn’t respect the elderly, even though sometimes the COVID-19 vaccine people have more vaccines than they can administer that day, and if there are extras, shouldn’t Dangerzone get one?

We have no opinion on this, because we’re a news source, not an opinion source, even though we’re fictional.

Also we do have an opinion, which is that people should help us get a vaccine early because we’d like to get the heck out of here, gosh darn it!

What are methods other than a maybe-fictional, maybe-testosterone solution to the COVID-19 vaccine dilemma? Of course, Dangerzone ran the risk of being caught because his medical records indicated he was 35, not 75, but he said it’s not something vaccine thiefs need to worry about.

“They’re so busy and frazzled over there, they have no idea what’s going on. They’re just poking anyone with an exposed arm.” Dangerzone said.

Dangerzone’s partner, Claudio, was also in on a scheme, although he did not try the “potion” from the man in San Francisco.

“I simply told them I’m sick, very very sick, with an immune disorder, and I need a vaccine now, please,” Claudio said.

“What did they say to you? Did they check any of your records?” We asked.

“Oh, I told them I’m Amish, and I’m not from around here.

“I told them I’m new in town and I really need a vaccine or else I’ll turn purple and I won’t turn back and this is a really serious issue that I will bring to the attention of local police as well as the Oakland mayor, Libby Schaaf, who is one of my best friends.”

Claudio (whose name is a mononym) had no qualms about lying to the medical staff at the tent in the empty parking lot where he went for a vaccine.

“Are they really doctors? You know, I don’t know! They could be high schoolers wearing costumes for all I know. We trust people just based on what they’re wearing,” he said.

The reader should note that Claudio was wearing an outfit he purchased in Amish country back on the east coast. “Actually I got it on Amazon,” he corrected. “It’s a Halloween costume.”

Fair enough.

But has anyone been caught? The answer is yes.

Vaccine-Wanters Turned Perpetrators

“There’s a special place in hell for people who’d steal a vaccine meant for someone else,” said one elderly woman waiting in line by the Coliseum medical tent.

“And there’s a special place in jail for them, too!” She said as she laughed gleefully.

It turns out she’s right: there’s a special cell for these vaccine scammers in Oakland on 7th street downtown.

The cell looks ordinary, only it’s filled with people with fake boo-boo bandaids, fake coughs, fake beards, and fake wheelchairs that, upon closer inspection, are clearly two Razor Scooters under a camping chair.

“These people are barely citizens. We might just ship them out to a new island near Alameda and get rid of them for good. They’re not here to support their neighbors.” Said one officer.

He said they’d specially build this island to get rid of these vaccine offenders using, of course, taxpayer dollars.

“We’re not in the fundraising business, we’re in the crime business,” he said with his chest puffed out. Cool, bro.

These offenders will be in jail until the DA knows what to do with them and what their crimes mean.

For those still interested in breaking the sanctity of social taboos and maybe laws, there are some tactics that could still work, if you’re quick. They’re below.

Strategies for Grabbing Your COVID-19 Vaccine Early

Others are taking the following strategies and bringing them to life. Try these at your own risk.

· Physically stealing the vaccines and figuring out how to administer them at home

· Buying a Groupon for a severely discounted vaccine

· Finding a recipe for the vaccine online, like how you can technically make high fructose corn syrup at home, only it turns out the recipe requires hydrochloric acid

· Go to an ashram and meditate on it for a while before you do anything rash

· Become wealthy or an Instagram influencer. Surely these people already have vaccines

· Show up in line and shout, “Other people have REAL problems, you know!”

· Dress up as Donald Trump and demand a vaccine

· Get a loudspeaker and offer to bribe those in line if they give you their vaccine

· Bring a puppy and say they need a COVID-19 vaccine

· Dress up like one of those clown people who scare people who are speeding in Fruitvale

· Play music really loud to disorient people

Other strategies include becoming a doctor or teacher just to get a vaccine early. Good luck!

Have any other strategies that have worked? Reply below! We can’t wait to see what people do when they don’t want to follow the rules. If there's anything you vaccine nabbers would recommend, we're all ears, and eyes, and sometimes even noses.

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