Cosplay Enthusiast Prevents Crime in East Oakland

Photo by Jing Xi Lau on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

Saloolie Giller is one of a kind. This past year, she has prevented over six hundred fictional crimes.

Where others just complain about crime in Oakland, Saloolie decided to do something about it.

The 20-something woman previously worked as a cartoon character at a theme par. But once COVID-19 hit, Giller was out of a job, and her beloved costume was tucked behind her new clothes: sweats and jammies.

Saloolie knew she had potential, that she had a wonderful voice and needed to do something with it.

Enter the city of Oakland.

Giller moved up to the Bay when her beloved theme park closed in early March 2020 to be closer to family.

In this exclusive interview, we learn more about this mysterious savior of Oakland and the strategies she’s implemented to prevent crime, and even help us have some fun.

Meeting Mary Poppins

“Well, the costume was really quite simple: a little navy hat, my brown hair in sumptuous curls, a high-collar dress and smug expression on my face at all times. I was the character who would tell little kids to stop chomping their bubble gum and to tie their shoes. It was so fun!”

This was the first thing Saloolie Giller said to us as we sat down to interview her. Immediately, we wondered if she was sane.

But she was. She was so sane, we started wondering if we were not.

Because Giller has developed a never-before-seen strategy to prevent crime in Oakland.

Here’s her story.

“Well, I wanted to make a difference. And one day, as I was walking down International Boulevard, I realized I was being followed. Not only that, everyone thought I was a fellow criminal because I was dressed like a cartoon at 9 o’ clock in the morning. Absurd!”

Giller based her character on Peggy Parish’s Amelia Bedelia, whom she believed was the same person as her character for a long time.

“She is fearless, so I knew I could be fearless too.”

When Giller realized she was being followed, she turned around and walked toward the car creeping behind her, then whipped her baseball bat out of her bag and smashed the windshield.

“Not today!” said Giller.

It was then that she realized she had a mission.

Because it’s not normal for strangers to follow you just because you’re dressed like a cartoon. It’s also not normal for strangers to follow you just because you’re dressed normally.

Giller hired a management consultant and got to work. She wanted to do this right. And she did.

The Giller/Poppins Protocol

We visited Giller on one of her now-famous training days where she helps volunteers learn and implement her special framework for crime prevention.

Blowing a giant silver whistle, Giller barked, “To prevent crime we remove the means of crime, COR-RECT?”

“CORRECT, CAPTAIN POPPINS!” shouted back a group of nearly fifty people of all ages, races, and sizes.

Giller was wearing her costume at the time, only this time, the costume was bright, flame red. But she still looked exactly like a cartoon, and even had an umbrella that looked suspiciously magical.

“And how do we do that?” She shouted.

“Bold-faced thievery and lies!” Said the group.

Giller’s method is simple: she and her goons—we mean, volunteers—steal from the bad guys.

They hold carjackers with long conversations to get them to stop carjacking, they rob people who brandish knives of their knives, they slash speeding cars’ tires, they monitor every square block of Oakland, specifically east Oakland.

“Something people don’t really think about when they think about crime is fires,” said Giller. “So we’ve removed everything that could start a fire from Oakland.

Stoves, trees, matches and lighters, anything combustible and all the means of combusting—all removed.

How did they do it?

“You can do anything a little bit at a time,” said Giller’s assistant. “Like hiding from law enforcement. See? All you have to do is wear a funny costume and look nonchalant!” This particular assistant was dressed up as a giant toad, green paint included.

While local law enforcement is happy for the support Giller and her goons provide, they are also aware of the rampant law breaking this group is responsible for.

The Response

“Look, we’re glad, okay? Crime in Oakland is down by like, 600%. People can park their cars places and actually walk away from their cars these days. It’s like being in a shopping mall or something!” said one officer.

A junior officer piped up. “We’re so thankful. Our jobs are so easy now. But the problem is, we’re not really sure if we’re supposed to arrest them or make them local heroes or something. You know?

“Like, to do our jobs, we have to be the bad guys. And usually we’re the ones arresting the bad guys.

“Which, in red states, makes us the good guys! I guess since we’re in Oakland we can’t really win, huh. Maybe I should quit this job.”

Yes, you should, fictional officer. You should join the squad, who not only prevent crime by removing the means of crime, but they also have fun.

Time for Community

“Every Saturday we take our new stockpile of weapons and drugs and bury them out in the desert,” said a senior member. “We have the best time. It’s all camaraderie and and some sideshows out there in the desert. You know,” he said. “To make it feel like home.”

Shouldn’t the group return these items to law enforcement? What about the trees, the matches, the lighters?

“It gets really hot in the desert,” the senior member said. “So we figure no one will notice if we bury all that."

While no one outside the group knows the location of this massive stockpile, the desert outside of Reno is attracting international attention.

It seems people are forgetting there was crime in Oakland at all.

Follow me to see more articles like this.

...

Follow