This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.
Many San Franciscans are already familiar with COVID-19 rules, including being over 65 years old and being an essential worker, or obese, or a smoker. Things like that.
But as of Monday, March 15, San Francisco is fictionally adding 75 strange new items to the eligibility list to help folks farther down the list to get a vaccine in a timely manner.
Don't see something that matches you on the list? That's literally impossible. Check it out! And remember, this is not a real list. It's a for-fun list, like the list of nominees at the Oscars.
Here are the new, fake, requirements for getting your shot-one and shot-two. If you have at least three (3) items in common with this list, you're in. The more items that you match with, the closer to the front of the line you get to be. These are the qualities San Francisco wants to cultivate in its citizens. Take heed!
1. You know the difference between Craftsman and Wolves and Wise Sons.
2. You have seen Fresh Prince of Bel-Air at least once.
3. You know what Dippin' Dots and have a definitive opinion on whether or not you like them.
4. You like listening to music.
5. You have a driver's licence and/or be able to ride a bike and/or non-motorized Razor scooter.
6. You know where the Oakland Coliseum is.
7. You have seen Bridgerton at least twice.
8. You run a startup in SoMa.
9. You donate to charity.
10. You have owned Lisa Frank notebooks at some point in your life.
11. You are able to dance the Carlton.
12. You are able to dance the Bernie.
13. You never dance to "Crank That (Supaman)" because that song is offensive and this fictional reporter still can't believe everyone in middle school knew that dance.
14. You know where the best fresh juice place is in the Mission.
15. You have stepped in human feces in the Financial District at least once.
16. You have done your taxes.
17. You remember your grandmother's aunt's cousin's maiden name.
18. You have run up Twin Peaks at least twice.
19. You have accidentally ordered food from Oakland while in your apartment in Inner Richmond.
20. You are crying right now because the De Young is open again.
21. You do ballet a la Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Like, really, really intense ballet.
22. You have siblings, or not.
23. You have considered leaving the city for forever at least ten times in your life.
24. BART has track maintenance. You have a history of screaming and crying while you're trapped in the train car.
25. You know what casual carpool is.
26. You know who Eazy-E is.
27. You know who G-Eazy is.
28. You know where It's All Good Bakery is, and to know what kind of people they want to hire. (Hint: it's "Friendly People")
29. You have seen Troop Beverly Hills and loved it with all your being.
30. You resent being called a millenial.
31. You are on the apps: Hinge, Bumble, ChristianMingle, you name it. You hate them so much you imagine throwing your phone in a fast-moving river or perhaps the Pacific Ocean.
32. You are Russian and/or not.
33. You sing a capella so beautifully that Simon Cowell accepts you as a human being.
34. You get your nails done weekly.
35. You have considered a hot chocolate diet, like Thomas Jefferson recommended.
36. You care so much about the Royal Family and affiliates.
37. You care not an iota for the Royal Family and affiliates.
38. You know what affiliate marketing is and you participate in it tastefully.
39. You are not in a pyramid scheme.
40. You are at a healthy weight.
41. You have considered an all-Cheeto diet.
42. Your mom believes in you.
43. You know at least one person named Megan.
44. You prefer Peet's to Starbucks.
45. You prefer Philz to Peet's.
46. You have considered shaving the side of your head.
47. You have at least six tattoos that you have only in your head.
48. You have been to a pawn shop.
49. You have been to East Oakland.
50. You like your mother and father in law more than your real parents.
51. If you never got on Zoom again you wouldn't blink twice.
52. Your job calls you "Sellica" when your name is Jane.
53. You are at least six feet tall.
54. You may or may not be the alien that infiltrated the sideshow in East Oakland.
55. You don't actually live in San Francisco but everyone you know and dislike does.
56. You live at the Exploratorium.
57. You've looked at a solar eclipse directly with your bare eyes.
58. You pretend to like poetry.
59. You pretend to read The New Yorker.
60. You're jealous of all living writers and artists and actors and musicians.
61. You once left a date in an Uber.
62. You once yelled at a customer service agent.
63. You once yelled at a customer service agent via online chat.
64. Your AIM away message was song lyrics.
65. You have a Tumblr you still use and don't tell anyone about.
66. You use TikTok to feel cool but you do not feel cool.
67. You have a life coach.
68. You're pretty sure your little sister has stolen your identity.
69. You love to bake but need more outlets that will take your baked goods.
70. You're pretty sure this is not a real list but you want to qualify so you can finally leave this complicated city.
71. You're pretty sure you saw a UFO and don't want to sound crazy so you haven't told anyone about it.
72. Your parents are Republicans.
73. Your boyfriend is secretly in a nomadic graffiti artist group.
74. You've been to the Hard Rock Cafe.
75. You have a dog and your dog has its own instagram.
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