Mills College Closes, Becomes Actual Clown College

Photo by Islander Images on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

We’ve seen weirder but we wish we hadn’t. On Wednesday, March 17, 2021, Mills College announced it would no longer be granting undergraduate degrees.

It would be giving all students currently enrolled who want degrees degrees, but all future incoming students will be there exclusively for the clown college.

That’s right, this fictional story is about to be full of clowns.

And, no, we’re not referring to the patriarchy or hate crimes against Asian people in the U.S. We’re not referring to those things because we’re a comedy fake-news source and we cannot make something we’re so enraged and devastated about funny.

It’s full of actual, real, honk-a-bright-red-nose clowns.

Mills College Produces Record-Breaking Number of Clowns

While numbers of regular enrollments for the past four years have been lower and lower, probably because Mills College tuition is over $30,000 per year, clown enrollments have been on the rise.

Over the past four years, in fact, Mills College School of Clowning has graduated 4,000 student-clowns per year. Nearly 100,000 more students apply to enter the prestigious School of Clowning each year, but the college has a slim 4% acceptance rate.

Can you believe it? We wish we could, but we’re making this up. Still, there are moments when Mills College School of Clowning makes too much sense to be fictitious.

How else could the school fall apart yet have such a nice campus?

Clown graduates move on to the highest echelons of public clown society, filling roles as tenure-track clowns in other clown schools, birthday party clowns for Harvard alumni children’s birthday parties, and murderous clowns at Universal Studios and Knott’s Berry Farm.

“I’ve applied for six years in a row, and I’m not kidding,” said one recent clown graduate wearing head-to-toe white scrubs and bright red shoes with big, shiny gold buttons. “I’m glad Mills is finally getting the attention it deserves. The clown community has valued this institution for decades, and now it’s getting the spotlight.

“I did finally get in, but only after my mother bought a wing of the school. Thanks, mom!”

A Historic Endeavor in Clowning

Mills College was founded in eleventy-seventy-seven by a band of seven clowns looking for a place to pass down their ancestral clown knowledge.

The eleventy-seventy-seven Sevens were mostly old men by the time they found mills, and three women who frequently had to dress up as men in order to stay safe. Many fake beards were worn in those years!

These wise old clowns made their own giant-toed shoes, mixed their own lead-based face paints, and wrote their own sad yet funny clown songs.

Rumor has it, Ronald McDonald visited Oakland and decided his mascot for McDonald’s would be a clown because of the Sevens.

“Their history is rich, but full of dark secrets and mysteries. They’re all buried in Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland, near Piedmont. They share a mausoleum. I won’t tell you which one, but it’s the one covered in colorful paint and photos of clowns that’ll terrify the heck out of anyone who walks past,” said one Mills College historian, a professor in the history of clownology.

Thank goodness there will still be a place for clowns at Mills College after the “real” college closes its doors and stops granting undergraduate degrees.

Non-Clown Responses to the Mills Closure

Are non-clowns upset? No, because Mills is offering students who want to come to mills a special opportunity to transfer to the clown school.

“I’m going to Mills, so my parents are happy, but I’ll be learning how to be a clown. I feel pretty good about it, all things considered. We were pretty sure the world was going to end this year. We just got home from our fifth sideshow this week. All things considered, I’m excited to be going to anywhere that is not Mountain View Cemetery,” said Jerry Smiegol, future clown and current high schooler at Bishop O’Dowd College-Preparatory High School.

With all loose ends tied, it’s time for Mills to consider expanding its clown capacity for future regalers to enjoy a top-tier education at a mostly empty school.

What lies ahead for folks wanting a really rich education in gently entertaining preschoolers and terrifying high schoolers in slasher films?

The Future of Clown Education

“It’s true, being a clown is one of the most dangerous, taxing, trying jobs,” said Reginald Steelsmith, the finest female clown on the West Coast. Her beard is long and luxurious and paisley-patterned.

“We are trained with the elite taskforce of clowning. Our professors are the highest tier educator. We are like military grade clowns, and we are here to change the world!” Said fellow clown Jo Jo Jo Jo Rabbit.

Clown education is a rapidly evolving field, like Phoenix or DeVry University only far more expensive and yet also still online.

The typical clown course load over the course of a year looks something like this:

· How to Scare Children

· Smiling With All Your Teeth

· History of Clowning

· Clown Sociology

· History of Women Clown’s Rights

· Poetry of the Jester

· Courtroom Dramas: Clowns in Trouble

· Vocal Training for Clowns

· Female Clown Self-Defense

· Hurling Oneself Toward Victory: How to Be an Effective Stunt-Clown

· Nightmare Training: Entering Children’s Dreams

· Clown Slang

· Taking Advantage of Clown Tax Breaks

· Clown Screenwriting

· Making Mistakes Is Not Allowed: Clown PhD Dissertation Advising

· Scientific Procedures in Clown Analysis

· Clowning in East Oakland: An Endless Saga

· Poetry for Clowns on the Run

· The Hobo and the Clown: Modern Clown Literature

· Chemical Reactions R Us: Clown Biochemistry

· Clown Performance Theater

· How to Get Away with Not Being Funny: An Improv Class for Adults

· How to Pay Back Your Student Loans, a Clown Course with President Biden

· Donald Trump Clown Worship Hour (Daily, in the Chapel)

· Hitchhiking for Clowns, a Practical Course

· Clown Coaching: Reach Your Clown Potential with Favia de la Torre

· In Pursuit of Clowniness: Surviving Your First Semester at Mills as it falls into Decrepitude