Man and Woman Shot in East Oakland—Gun Removal Process by Meditation Squad Commences

Photo by Ellie Bozmarova via Citizen

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

It’s true—while some details in this story will be real, pulled straight from reality, most will not.

We’re a comedy writing news crew around here, and it pains us to have to write fictional news about a real, terrible, and random crime taking place in Oakland, a city already approaching a record number of murders and deaths by gun this year.

But write we must, because comedy is a great way to get people to be shocked and read an article about a crime that is all too common by now.

Read on and maybe enjoy.

On Wednesday, March 23, a man and woman were shot in Oakland. The woman was shot in the leg and the man was shot through his home.

Random, and terrible. Here we go. The rest of this story is a fiction, but we really are recommending a meditation squad to grab guns and keep them safe.

Meditation Squad Moves in and Removes Guns

For thousands of years, meditation has been a spiritual practice that has helped millions of people find depth, centeredness, peace of mind, and great physical benefits.

Meditation can be done by simply observing the breath. Anytime the mind wanders, we return to the breath. It’s simple to describe, but difficult to do.

The mind is often monkey-like, jumping from subject to subject, opinion to opinion.

A group called the Wild Minds has decided to reclaim monkey mind by visiting every person in Oakland as part of a pilot program. This program, called Wild Minds Gone Gunless, has been formed with the vision to remove all guns from Oakland—periodt.

Wild Minds Gone Gunless formed in late 2016 shortly after Donald Trump was elected president. Instead of removing guns, they tried the “thoughst and prayers tactic” at first.

It failed miserably because thoughst and prayers aren’t the same as meditating and physically removing guns.

So, in early 2021, seeing a shocking spike in gun-related crimes and deaths in Oakland, Wild Minds decided to take a different tack.

Methods and Ambitions for Wild Minds

Wild Minds leader, Gonlass Gumbsy III, is a longtime Oakland resident whose heart resides in Seminary Park, where cars are stolen at gunpoint nearly every night.

Gumbsy spoke at a late-night meditation meeting of Wild Minds on Tuesday, shortly before the madn and woman were shot.

“I believe that we can remove every single gun from Oakland whether residents know about it or not,” they said, brushing their hair with a hogs-hair brush meant for suits and the like.

“We’re here to make Oakland safer, and the best way to do that is to even the playing field. Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf is doing that with $500 payments to low-income families, and we’re doing that by actually taking guns away.

Wild Minds is responsible for over 800 missing firearms just last week. There are fewer crimes because there are fewer guns.

“People still have access to guns throughout the Bay Area, both through legal and illegal means,” Said Gumbsy’s Wild Minds partner, Cornelius Scrooge. “We’re very passionate about this community initiative. And we’re ready to work with…gulp…Oakland Police to make this dream come alive.

Collaboration with Local Police Turns Fruitful

Gumbsy and the Wild Minds group met with Oakland PD starting in early January, 2021.

“Yes, it’s fictionally true in the context of this story,” said fake police chief Sister Cistern late last week. “We wanted to work with a group with community ties, and some members of Wild Midns actually come from the track, the life, and the street.”

Some members of Wild Minds are formerly incarcerated folks who have since realized their lifestyle was creating more harm than good.

“I thought it was the way things had to be,” said one member, again, completely fictionally in this fictional world that closely mirrors real life in Oakland, where people are shot, robbed or otherwise at gunpoint every single day.

A notable uptick in crimes has been tracked since the COVID-19 pandemic began in early 2020.

What do Wild Minds members think about working with Oakland Police?

“We’d prefer not to comment, but it has been a tentative partnership. If they act up, we’re out. We can easily do this on our own, and we can, and we will,” said Gumbsy.

How is it possible Wild Minds is doing their work? During sideshows, of course.

Community Involvement Picks Up

Sideshows are a great time for members of the community to come out and hang out with friends.

It is also an opportune time for folks to visit homes and cars where guns may be stored and removing them.

It has been a helpful tactic, at least for now.

The best tactic, of course, is limiting firearm sales, both legal and illegal. It’s especially helpful to limit firearm sales to folks who have a history of criminal involvement and mental illness.

It’s shocking how many serious crimes, like the murder of Oakland resident Pak Ho, were committed by individuals who had previous criminal records.

We can and will do better, even in this tepidly-entertaining fictional article.

This News Station’s Vow To You

We vow to bring you the funniest, untimelyi-est news and humor from around the Bay Area.

If the people want fluffy lifestyle pieces about the best life coach in the Bay Area or how to tie yourself up in a pretzel in hot-and-cold yoga, we can make that happen as well.

The most important part of our vow is we’ll continue to take real news and provide semi-funny commentary on it via fictional scenarios.

Like the time an Oakland couple stole a whole lot of crab legs.

Speaking of, crabs are in season. There’s another piece of real news for this article.

What’s Next for Oakland

Gun violence and gun safety is a serious issue in Oakland. We are at risk of more serious crimes and this is a real threat to our community.

It’s important that people stay safe and contact their representatives for better gun control.

Until next crime!

Also, be sure to meditate. It really does help. More on that in coming articles.

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