Oakland Runs Out of Teachers, Replaces Them with Reptiles

Photo of your physics teacher by Nigel Harper on Unsplash

This story is a fiction piece, and it was created from my imagination.

While it’s true that Oakland Unified School District has reported there aren’t enough teachers left to teach their children (wow), your favorite news source (us) has a different take on this story.

One that is, as always, entirely fictional.

On Wednesday, March 24, the scene became clear: the human teachers’ union failed to negotiate with the lizards’ teachers’ union, and the rest will soon become history.

In spite of the parent protests at Lake Merritt and teacher-student Zoom fatigue, Oakland teachers will be looking a little different this coming year.

Because they’ll mostly be reptiles.

We have the scoop.

Reptiles Replace Teachers in Oakland Schools

Oakland Unified (OUSD) has long been known for its wide range of instructional expertise.

With notable alumni like Tom Hanks, Too $hort, MC Hammer, Jack London, and Julia Morgan, Oakland public schools have supported rising stars in their ascent.

Will they still?

In our fictional version of Oakland, where aliens roam and sideshows become opportunities for a community to find spiritual growth, OUSD has long been due for a makeover.

So, this coming school year, instead of human teachers walking the halls of Oakland schools, it will be a variety of reptiles, slithering, climbing and crawling.

Just last week, a group of kindergarteners screamed and all logged off Zoom after the teacher introduced a monitor lizard to the group.

“No, no no!” One child tearfully cried in an interview, where we re-introduced a photograph of the massive snake-like creature with a mysteriously big belly.

“I’ve always wanted a giant water monitor,” said one teacher. “Now, instead of a job, I can be the zookeeper for one,” she said, smiling with both eyes twitching.

Teachers are upset by this development, but there’s nothing to be done. “Talks with the union fell through and, let’s face it, lizards can be paid below minimum wage!” Said one big-wig superintendent who is completely fictional.

Teachers whose contracts are now ended can volunteer to care for the lizard-teachers. “It’s an opportunity for us to grow and still be close to our beloved teaching profession,” said one older teacher who looks exactly like Mrs. Doubtfire.

The New Lesson Plan

Has a reptile ever taught a child?

Are we ready for a school where chameleons, turtles, crocodiles, hopefully no skinks, and lots of bearded dragons and geckos stand on their hind legs on desks and such?

Are we ready to go back to school or are we still waiting on vaccines?

We thought we were still waiting for vaccines but all of our friends are already vaccinated and we’re unclear on how they’re doing that, but we’ll leave that for another article.

Now, lizards are expected to create lesson plans.

“One thing we haven’t quite figured out yet is how they’ll write on boards and with pens and chalk and stuff,” said the superintendent. “But if evolution is real, they’ll surely learn it sooner or later,” he said.

True enough.

Preliminary rumors of lesson plans by the lizards have shown these reptiles are quite capable of pulling together a decently challenging science class.

One biology lab reptile teacher is planning to have students catch and pin big, juicy caterpillars for dissection.

“We think he’s going to just eat the caterpillars, like that’s how smart these creatures are,” said one teacher tasked with taking care of this particular lizard creature. “I don’t think we’ll make it through the year!” She yelped.

Learning a Reptile Language

These are the schools in Oakland whose teachers will be replaced with reptiles:

· Castlemont High

· Community Day School

· Crocker Highlands Elementary

· Dewey Academy

· East Oakland Pride Elementary School

· Elmhurst United

· Esperanza Elementary

· Fremont High

· Frick United Academy of Language

· Garfield Elementary

· Hillcrest Elementary

· Horace Mann Elementary

· Oakland High

· Oakland International High

· Oakland Tech,

· Urban Promise Academy

· Westlake Middle School

If your student goes to one of these schools, make sure a suitable reptile is teaching them. Ideally no monitor lizards, but skinks are okay.

If they’re a good natured skink like a blue-tailed skink, they, as a teacher, may even allow the class to care for them as a pet.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

The Reptiles Speak

Earlier this morning, March 24, using human translators who have been trained in reptile-speak, the reptiles held a press conference to confirm their appointment as teachers in Oakland Unified schools.

“Yes, it’s true, slllurrrp, we are reptiles, slllurrrp and we are here to stay and be with your children all day, maybe even go home in their backpacks, we don’t know yet,” said the leader reptile, a gray bearded dragon named Theodore.

“We are eager to teach your children all of our ways from the wild,” said one tiny crocodile teacher named Lisa, who will be teaching 6th grade. “Those children are too big for me,” she said. “Which is why I was assigned to that grade. But kindergarteners, watch out!”

Safety Precautions

Is it safe to have reptiles teach our children? Of course not, but what else is there to do when Oakland is running out of teachers due to the pandemic and the call of the wild AKA Silicon Valley?

It’s easy to give up a teacher’s salary and move back to Illinois, you know. It’s just an easier choice than staying here and eating asbestos for lunch for $1,400 per month.

So, why not let the reptiles teach the children?

To maintain student safety, parents should follow the following precautions: wash your hands and your children’s hands, maintain a six-foot distance at least, run in a zig-zag pattern, do not surprise the reptile teachers, do not make loud noises, do not pet them, do not play loud music, do not turn the room temperature down, do not eat sandwiches near them, do not ask if they’re molting, and do not call them lizards.

All in all, this transition should be as easy as any other we’ve made in the past year. Happy new school year.

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