"She's nagging; she can't get used to having me home," Dallas husband on wife

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Photo byJonathan Cosens PhotographyonUnsplash

The relationship you have with your partner can be affected by putting in long hours at work, but it doesn't mean retirement doesn't have its challenges.

How would you react if, after a long career, you finally felt like retirement gives you a chance to rest and relax, but your spouse isn't content with having you around all the time?

What if they start arguing about every little thing and feel like your relationship isn't what it used to be when you were busy with work for most of the day and only spent time together in the evenings or over the weekend?

My friend Stella, who lives in Dallas, has been married to her husband, Doug, for 32 years. They raised four sons, and they're all married now. Doug was the one going into the office all these years while Stella focused on looking after their kids and home.

"We agreed to share responsibilities like that, and our relationship was happy as we both felt we contributed to having a loving family. He did work overtime a lot, but each time I offered to get a job, he said the kids needed me more. And later, he got promoted, so we didn't have to stress anymore. But the long hours were always there, and I used to think we would get along better if he could be home earlier," Stella said.

While she's been convinced for a long time that Doug's career was both an opportunity to keep their family striving and also something holding him back from making all the memories they could, Stella's behavior has changed after her husband retired six months ago.

Doug was excited to spend more time with his wife, and he kept coming up with different classes they could attend together in Dallas, little home projects they could do, recipes to try, or new activities for both of them. As it turns out, not only was Stella against most of those things except the cooking classes, but she also began resenting him.

"I know he wants to have a good time and to feel relaxed after having a fixed schedule for so long. But it makes me think he doesn't care that much about what I want to do. I'm just someone who has to go with him everywhere. And when I suggest a slight change, he will give up the whole activity. Our relationship was supposed to be flexible since we've been through so much already. I don't know what to think about this," Stella said.

Doug, on the other hand, feels disappointed because he thought since Stella was a housewife, she would be pleased to be able to go out every day and not worry so much about dusting and other chores. He's also willing to help her more with housework so they both get free time.

"But everything I do seems to annoy her. Even if I offer to do laundry two times a week, she won't like how I fold the clothes. Then, if I cook, she will have something to say about the seasoning. If I take our dogs for a walk, she'll complain I came back too late, and she had to skip her favorite TV show and make a snack for me. I wouldn't ask her to do that, but she keeps arguing with me. I just don't get it. Isn't retirement a time to enjoy a relationship and focus on caring about each other? Stella is so intent on driving me away that I'm confused," Doug said to me.

He talked to his sons about what was going on. They're all married by now, and the couple has grandkids, too. They advised their dad to be patient while Stella adjusts to this change in her life, but Doug isn't confident their relationship will improve if she's still getting upset with him several times a day six months after he retired.

"She should be used to it by now, but I think it's just getting worse. I'm retired, and she's nagging; she can't get used to having me home in Dallas. I used to think we had a great relationship as a couple and as parents. But she doesn't seem to think of anything else except cooking, cleaning, and gossiping with the neighbors. There are so many things we could go out and do. And we didn't travel much, but she's opposed to that. I don't want to be home all the time after I've been in the office for years with hardly any vacations," Doug said.

He's determined to use his free time to enjoy himself and wants to see new places. And if his wife isn't willing to go with him, Doug will invite some friends or take one of their sons and their family.

What do you think about this situation? Should Doug wait a bit longer to see if his wife adjusts to his new schedule and the way he wants to make the most of his retirement in Dallas, or is it fine to make plans with other people if she just wants to stay home, preferably on her own? Should Doug have his relationship with Stella as a priority instead of regretting all the activities he couldn't do while working and pushing her to go out all the time?