"She treats me like an outsider; having kids made no difference," Dallas wife on mother-in-law

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Photo byBrian LawsononUnsplash

Making sure your kids have a good relationship with your in-laws and that they get to see their grandparents can get challenging when they don't particularly like you.

How would you react if your in-laws refused to include you in any family parties or other special occasions or only reluctantly agreed to have you there but did all they could to ignore you?

Would you think your kids' relationship with their grandparents matters more than their attitude toward you, or would you rather stay away from them completely?

My friend Denise, who lives in Dallas, has been married to her husband, Liam, for almost five years. They have two daughters and recently managed to buy their own home.

"We both kept our jobs, and we'd been saving for a good while to be able to buy our place and stop paying rent every month. Now that we can afford house payments, it feels like all the overtime was worth it," Denise told me.

She couldn't stay home with their daughters even though she wanted to, but she's convinced her little girls will be happy to play in their yard and have pets.

The only issue that's still unresolved in Denise's family is her relationship with her in-laws.

Liam's parents weren't very excited about the couple's wedding when they found out they got engaged in Dallas.

They even encouraged them to wait at least a year longer than they had planned to be completely sure they were a good match for each other.

"We didn't listen to that, obviously, but I could tell they didn't like me much. And that made me feel uncomfortable each time we visited them. They didn't say anything directly and were always polite, but they kept finding a reason to avoid me or to behave like my questions didn't matter," Denise said.

The couple didn't go to see Liana and Alex, Liam's parents, too often because they didn't want any tense moments. Even so, Denise was hopeful the situation would change after they got married, and they realized they would stay together.

"I felt like it was just a matter of time, and once they saw we're determined, and we will be there for each other, they would welcome me into their family, and we could have a more positive relationship," Denise said.

Once the couple reached their first anniversary, Denise's mother-in-law sent them a present, but neither she nor her husband attended the party to celebrate their relationship in Dallas. After that, when each of their granddaughters was born, Liana and Alex came to visit the couple, but only once every two months.

And during the past year, the grandparents insisted the couple bring their granddaughters to visit them instead.

"And each time my mother-in-law mentions I don't need to come if I'm busy or feeling tired. She's not being considerate; she just wants to exclude me. She treats me like an outsider; having kids made no difference," Denise added.

She's been patient all these years and kept trying to show her in-laws that she's willing to support them with what they need and that they can count on her. Unfortunately, the more she tries to convince them to accept her, the more they avoid her. And the situation is affecting Denise because her own parents live in another state and can't visit much.

Liana won't even answer Denise's texts anymore, and she's been unable to fix any schedule for when to take her granddaughters over there for the next week.

"It's annoying. She won't communicate with me at all. She won't take my calls or reply to texts, but she picks up immediately if it's my husband. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this and not argue with them," the mom said.

Denise doesn't think she's asking for too much, but she's beginning to doubt whether she'll ever be welcome in her in-laws' home in Dallas or even feel like they approve of her relationship with Liam.

"It's not that I need their approval to be happy. But I'm not sure I want my little girls to see the way their grandparents treat me. If they don't show me some consideration, I'm willing to think about stopping all visits over there. Liam can still see them whenever he wants to, but on his own," Denise said.

Liam noticed what was going on, and he talked to his mom about it, but she refused to admit there was any issue. Liana just said that her daughter-in-law is quiet and not very interesting.

"I don't have anything to say to her, and when she asks me something, it's just boring stuff. She's not very creative, so I don't know why I'm supposed to say I'm fascinated. I'm not, but I'll let her visit. I never said she can't. I sure hope my granddaughters turn out better, and I'll do what I can to help," Liana said.

Denise got even more upset after learning what her mother-in-law said, and she asked Liam to avoid taking their daughters to see her during the holidays. Liam doesn't think this is a good idea because his parents will get upset if they don't see them and will surely remember it for a long time.

"What's the point of being so harsh? It would be a lot better to just let everyone do what they feel like as long as there's no offending. I know Denise wanted my mom to like her. If they can just be civil to each other, that's good enough for me. I think she's just expecting too much. Our relationship and our marriage matter more than anything else," Liam said.

What do you think about this situation? Is it okay for Liana to ignore her daughter-in-law when she visits, or should she make an effort to make her feel included and valued? Should the mother-in-law focus on having a better relationship with Denise if she wants to keep seeing her granddaughters and make memories together?