"He wanted space after we had our kids; I pay the bills, and he's dating"

Photo bySeth DoyleonUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Having a family with your relationship partner is about long-term commitment and being sure you will be there for each other and your kids.

But what do you do when one of the partners wants a family very much, and after it happens, they need time away and end up wanting to be with someone else?

Is there any point in giving them another chance, or did they just show they don't care about the relationship enough to be a responsible parent?

My friend Miranda, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, has been dating her boyfriend, Josh, for five years. During this time, they moved in together and lived in the same place until four months ago.

Both Miranda and Josh wanted to have a family soon, and they didn't care about going through all the steps to getting married. To them, having kids mattered more than getting engaged and paying for a wedding.

"I didn't think our relationship was based on being able to afford a wedding in Phoenix, and a ring wouldn't show me he loved me more than he already did. So we made up our minds to be parents and then figure out when we wanted a wedding too," Miranda said.

Her parents were doubtful about what the couple had in mind, but they agreed to support their relationship as long as they were committed to each other. One year after they began dating, Miranda found out she was pregnant. They moved in together and rented a bigger apartment since they wanted three kids.

The couple now has one son and two daughters, but their relationship changed a lot since they became parents. Even though they were sure the kids would bring them closer, constantly feeling tired and having to work extra hours actually caused more arguments.

And things kept on getting worse until Josh told his girlfriend he couldn't deal with it anymore.

"After our fourth anniversary, he suddenly let me know he needed more space and that he couldn't face all the noise, having to get up at night and always needing to work long hours. We had both taken that responsibility, but he was willing to distance himself from us because he felt tired. I didn't have more energy than him, but we couldn't both get space," the mom said.

Miranda agreed to what her boyfriend wanted, thinking it meant he needed to live with a friend in Phoenix for a few weeks. Instead, Josh borrowed money from his parents and rented an apartment for himself.

He visited the kids over the weekends, but other than that, he asked Miranda not to call during work days. He replied to texts in a few hours, and Miranda had to find solutions for herself and the kids on her own.

"He wouldn't even send us money, and it was very hard to pay for everything we needed just from my salary. And when I sent him several texts mentioning how much everything cost and the bills, he said I should have thought about it before having the kids and making our connection stressful," Miranda said.

The mom did all she could to save on groceries and did overtime while her parents came over to look after the kids, but it was a struggle. And when she was on her break from work last week, she saw her husband having lunch at an elegant restaurant in Phoenix.

He wasn't alone either. He was giving a present to a woman sitting at the same table. And when she got closer, Miranda heard them giving compliments to each other and mentioning other times they'd gone out together.

She walked up to them and told her she was his girlfriend and that they had three kids together, but the other woman didn't apologize. She just said Josh would explain everything to her and got up and left.

"He wanted space after we had our kids; I pay the bills, and he's dating again. That's not fair, and I feel he should have been honest with me. If he wants to get away from our relationship, the least he can do is send money for the kids. This can't go on. And I won't let him spend everything on someone else while me and the kids don't have enough money for groceries," Miranda said.

That evening, she went to her boyfriend's apartment in Phoenix to talk things out, but he refused to open the door. The following day, she stopped by his office at lunchtime, and he had to agree to talk.

She asked him if he wanted to end their relationship, and he admitted he was upset and not interested in being a dad at all.

"He pretended he didn't have any money to help me and our kids, but when I asked about the gift I saw on the table, he said he was sorry. He didn't admit he was with that woman, but I know better. And I didn't spend so many years together to not have any kind of support from him. If he's not my boyfriend anymore, he's still a dad, and he should behave like it," Miranda said.

Three days have passed since that talk, and the mom still hasn't received any money from Josh, even if he got his paycheck recently. She plans to talk to his parents over the weekend and see if they can find a way to deal with this together.

What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Josh to start dating while Miranda has to cover every bill and make sure their kids have the attention and care they need? Should Josh apologize and, at the very least, focus on a close relationship with his kids if he's not in love with Miranda anymore?