"He's ok with having a baby before our wedding; I feel so rushed"

Photo byGabriel SilvérioonUnsplash

*This article is a work of nonfiction based on actual events recounted to me by a friend who witnessed them firsthand; used with permission

Raising a family with your relationship partner can be very fulfilling, but only if it comes at the right moment for both of you. How would you react if your partner kept reminding you they've been waiting too long already and they expected you to give up on your goals and to get married sooner than you wanted to?

Is that an indication they're in love with you, or would it make you doubt they care at all about what you need?

My friend Marcia, who lives in Phoenix, Arizona, has been dating her boyfriend Tom for two years. They met while they were in high school and stayed friends through high school and college. Once they graduated, they began thinking about having a different relationship.

"It wasn't the same thing before because we were always dating someone else, and we kept supporting each other as friends do. But after graduation, there were a few months when we were both single, so that felt like a good time to check out if there was any chance we could be more than that. We already knew plenty about each other, and we'd overcome some difficult situations together, so I was sure there was a connection between us," Marcia said.

As soon as Tom asked her to go on a date, Marcia said yes, and they had dinner and watched a movie on a weekday in Phoenix. They had a great time together and enjoyed talking for hours. And they wanted to do it all again the very next day.

"It was so exciting. We had plenty to talk about, and our tastes were similar. I never felt like he didn't want to listen or that what I said bored him," Marcia said.

They kept dating for the next few weeks and, after that time, Tom asked her to be his girlfriend.

"Up to then, we were just dating casually, and I was trying not to think too much of it so I wouldn't get disappointed. When he let me know he wanted me to be his girlfriend and that he could commit to being in a relationship with me, I knew he meant it. And that we really were getting close," Marcia said.

They checked out different restaurants and also had fun cooking together at Tomn's place over the weekends. As time passed, Marcia began thinking about a proposal, but she didn't say anything, not wanting to rush this stage of their relationship.

They mostly agreed about their relationship goals for the future. The timing for them wasn't exactly the same, though.

"I wanted to get married and wait a few years until becoming a mom. I felt it made sense to enjoy my relationship and my marriage first rather than rush into raising a family before I even earned well enough to do such a thing. Tom felt it was ok to do it faster and avoid seeing all his friends become dads while he was still postponing it," Marcia said.

She would like to study more and make sure she can get promoted and earn a high salary in Phoenix before having a baby, but these things don't matter that much to Tom. He's convinced that when they're parents, they will be so happy that money will no longer be the most important issue in their lives.

"Expenses and our salaries matter more when we're still postponing being parents. I saw mom and dad struggle to pay for things all my life, but we were always happy and stayed together as a family. I don't want to wait to have a kid. I think the sooner, the better. And the longer we stay away from that, the more arguments against it Marcia will come up with," Tom said.

Marcia feels pressured by their talks, but something happened last week that made her wonder what the right choice is. Tom asked her to be his wife after setting up a special dinner in her favorite restaurant in Phoenix and preparing a surprise party with all their friends.

"It was wonderful, and I could see he loved me and wanted to be together for a long time. The kids' issue is still unresolved, but I do want to get married to him. He's the nicest person I've ever met. He shows me that every day," Marcia said.

Unfortunately, it just took a few days for the kids' talk to show up again. Tom would like to agree on something clear before they set their wedding date, but Marcia is still not feeling prepared to agree to have a baby right away, possibly before the wedding.

"He's ok with having a baby before our wedding; I just feel so rushed. I don't get the time to think about what I want and what I need. It's about love, but it's also about me. I want to keep studying; he won't wait to get married and have kids. I would be happy to get married, and if we only have a simple wedding rather than a big traditional one in Phoenix, that's fine with me. But if we're doing everything too fast just so we can have kids, I'm confused about how much our relationship matters to him. Don't I matter before we have kids, or do I become valuable only after that? It's like I only get to keep the ring on that condition," Marcia said.

Tom told her he wanted to be a dad very much and that, even though he cares a lot about her, he may change his mind about the wedding unless they can agree to have kids very soon.

What do you think about this situation? Is it fair for Tom to try and make a decision about having kids even though he knows his fiancee would like to wait on it? Does that show he cares about their relationship or about his own goals in life?