Forget Zuckerberg's custom Porsche minivan; these vans are much cooler

Unless you have been living under a rock or do not have any social media presence whatsoever, you are probably more than aware that Facebook founder and current Meta, Inc. CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been drip-feeding little tidbits of his life as one of the youngest billionaires to emerge from Silicon Valley.

Besides live-streaming awkward barbeque cookouts and riding his electric surfboard with a lot of sunscreen on his face, the famous Harvard dropout depicted in the hit film The Social Network is also into cars—fast cars, to be exact.

Last week, he charmed car enthusiasts by replying to a comment by Hoonigan co-founder Brian Scotto asking him what kind of car he drove.

"Mostly Cadillac CT5-V Blackwing these days, but sometimes other things," the Zuck said, referring to the 668 horsepower V8-powered sports sedan.

Though his Cadillac may indicate otherwise, recent developments show that he and his wife, Priscilla Chan Zuckerberg, possess a penchant that many people of wealth exhibit: a delicate love for the boffins at Stuttgart known as Porsche.

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In a recent post shared on Meta and Instagram, the Facebook founder shared that he had commissioned a custom Porsche Cayenne Turbo GT "minivan" for his wife from West Coast Customs; the original "Pimp My Ride" shop.

The stretched machine is finished in Crayon to match the 911 GT3 Touring and has sliding doors for the true minivan experience.

But unlike most minivans, the hefty Porsche is sure to be no slowpoke. In non-minivan form, the $203,800 machine makes 650 horsepower, goes from 0-60 in 3.1 seconds, and can top 190 miles per hour.

I do not know about you, but it feels too much to say that I am not fond of the Zuck's new ride.

Instead, I'd like to propose two alternatives that an enthusiast like me thinks would fit nicely next to his new Porsche on his driveway.

One: Customized Minivans

Now, I assume that the reason behind Mr. Zuckerberg’s decision to gut up a Cayenne and create a "minivan" of his own creation was based off a simple assumption: that minivans are not cool.

Although there is very little in terms of interviews of him talking directly about cars, I can kind of get why the Zuck might think that way.

Ever since I was in elementary school, I have seen that the minivan has been the butt of the joke, being that it is a symbol of suburban mediocrity and a sign that a person, "a man," has given up.

A Porsche may be a Porsche, but as I grew and expanded my automotive palate to explore the depths of what other car enthusiasts like, I can conclude that something a little more unique than any special order allocation is a minivan customized to the heart’s desire.

As someone whose youth was defined by the Fast and Furious movies and whose early years of possessing a license were spent at various car meets and cars and coffee events around North Jersey, I can attest to the idea that a car feels incomplete without personal touches, whether subtle or obvious.

However, I first became aware of the world of modified minivans through a rather unlikely figure: a man better known to you and me as Ben Baller.

Born Ben Yang, the 51-year-old Los Angeles-based entrepreneur, social media personality, and regular on celebrity golf tournaments has been a titular figure in the world of hip hop as a jeweler, providing the ice (diamonds) that adorns the flashy jewelry of rappers like Kanye West, A$AP Ferg (famous line in the song 'Plain Jane;' “Ben Baller did the chain") and Kendrick Lamar, as well as crafting the championship ring for the LIV Golf series.

Outside of jewelry, I primarily know Ben Baller as a passionate car enthusiast. He owns a series of supercars named the “K-Town Destroyers,” which are named after his stomping grounds of Koreatown, Los Angeles; the birthplace of his If & Co. jewelry brand.

Along with the Porsches, Lamborghinis, and Ferraris that highlight his ownership history, a minivan seems out of place, but somehow, it isn’t.

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In 2019, he purchased a black Chrysler Pacifica as a replacement for his Tesla Model X after complaining on social media that it malfunctioned while in the vehicle.

Although he uses the vehicle to transport his children, the jeweler to the stars will not settle for any “Plain Jane“ Pacifica out on the school run. In collaboration with Vankulture, his custom family hauler is made to resemble the K-Town Destroyers that fill up the rest of the garage, complete with a body kit, lowered suspension by RS-R, enhanced interior appointments, and a custom set of rims.

Besides hauling the kids to school and whatever activities they have going on, Ben said in a now-deleted Instagram post that there is another reason why he chose the minivan.

"I can be a dad and push the kids to school or be driven in this while holding down meetings," he said.

Tell me, if a cool, customized minivan is cool enough for the man who made the chain, what stops the chain-adopting Zuckerberg or his wife from driving one?

Two: The Toyota Alphard/Vellfire

I already know what you’re thinking upon reading the title.

You might think it’s a dumb idea for me to suggest that a humble Toyota is an unfit choice of vehicular transport for one of the richest individuals currently walking this earth.

I digress.

You see, Toyota’s catalog in the United States does include some luxurious offerings like the Crown and Crown Signia, as well as the entire lineup of the Lexus brand, but they don’t come close to the full brunt of their Japanese and Pan-Asian lineup.

Lexus was originally developed to match the tastes of American buyers of Cadillacs, Mercedes, and BMWs. Still, before the first shipment of LS400s landed in American dealerships in 1989, Toyota was well-versed in making cars to a much higher standard.

That experience is reflected in cars like the Alphard, a minivan that, on first impression, seems designed for discerning executives, very discerning children, or discerning executives who happen to be children.

It has a grille like an Escalade, back seats like a Maybach, and styling that commands other drivers to watch their backs when this vehicle is on the road.

The latest model comes with an exhaustive list of luxuries, like automatic sidesteps, massaging seats, a split rear sunroof with power shades, ambient lighting, and personal tablets that can detach from the backseats and control functions like climate control and the music coming out of its 15-speaker sound system.

Pictured is the Vellfire, a version of the Alphard that might suit the Zuckerberg's sporty tastes. Here, the chrome grille is swapped out for a blacked-out 'stealth' look and also features sportier suspension and engine tuning for maximum performance.

Best of all, like the custom West Coast Customs Porsche Cayenne, there is probably no one else on the streets of America who has a Toyota Alphard, and for a legitimate reason: Toyota doesn't officially sell them here in the good old U.S. of A.

But given the Zuck's influence and billions of dollars at his disposal, I'm sure he might be able to pull a few strings together.

Epilogue:

Look, I am not trying to hate on the Zuckerbergs; I am very guilty of using many of the apps in Meta's portfolio of social media and messaging platforms for my daily doom-scrolling activities and to communicate with my loved ones both here and abroad.

But as someone whose auto enthusiast discovery would not be possible without Facebook or Instagram, I think that Mr. Social Network deserves something that would unlock a new discovery, or connect him and his wife with a new community of like-minded people united by a single passion.

Or he could lead the meme czars to write up a new dozen Xzibit-inspired "Pimp My Ride" jokes.

What kind of cars would you suggest should go in the Zuckerberg garage? If you had their billions, what would your dream garage look like? Argue in the comments below.