Sibling rivalry: Why it happens and what to do about it

One minute your kids are best friends and getting along beautifully, and the next they're screaming at each other over a toy that neither has paid attention to in months.

Sibling rivalry and ensuing clashes like these are common and very normal. And as frustrating as they are for parents to referee, sibling confrontations do serve a purpose. They can actually help kids learn important social and conflict resolution skills.

"A sibling is a safe person to work out big feelings with," says Kelley Yost Abrams , Ph.D. in developmental psychology and a member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board .

While fights between brothers and sisters are inevitable, your response can help minimize competition. You can also set your kids up to be better at managing all types of conflicts – which unfortunately come up often in life.

Why do siblings fight?

Siblings fight for countless reasons, but jealousy over a parent's attention, feelings of competition, and vying for the same item are all common causes, says Cara Damiano Goodwin , Ph.D. in child clinical psychology and member of the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board.

Siblings often clash with each other more than they do with their friends. That's because they spend so much time together and are usually at different developmental stages. "[This] makes it more difficult for them to successfully play or engage in the same activity," says Goodwin.

Rivalries often start with the younger sibling's arrival, and it's common for a newly minted big brother or sister to react to this major change by regressing. They may whine or cry more than usual or lash out physically instead of expressing themselves with words. Says Goodwin: "This is particularly true for siblings close in age, who may experience more feelings of competition."

As your younger child enters the toddler stage, they may start fighting back against their older brother or sister. Little kids tend to respond to disagreements with physical aggression, so you may find yourself blocking a lot more kicks and punches.

Conflicts can also arise in these early years because the age gap between siblings means they're in very different places developmentally, making it harder to get along at times. When playing hide-and-seek, for example, younger siblings might struggle to remember when it's their turn to count and hide, while older siblings may be eager for everyone to follow the rules of the game.

Older kids often want to pursue activities or interests that their younger sibling isn't old enough for, which can lead to feelings of jealousy and anger. "Young children typically want the attention of the older sibling but aren't yet skilled in how to seek that attention," says Yost Abrams. Instead, they may intentionally annoy or aggravate their big brother or sister, for example by knocking over their older sibling's carefully constructed Lego tower.

As your children start elementary school, you may watch them enter a new phase of rivalry. With their personalities and interests becoming more defined and their bodies growing stronger, they might have even more intense clashes.

At this stage, their fights can be more mental than physical. "Over time, conflict tends to involve more and more verbal and emotional aggression, such as teasing or mocking," says Goodwin.

What to do about sibling rivalry

Refereeing sibling rivalry isn't for the faint of heart. But with some careful navigation and lots of understanding, you can minimize the headaches and make life at home more harmonious.

Focus more on praising what your children do right in the sibling relationship rather than what they do wrong. - Cara Damiano Goodwin, psychologist

In the toddler and preschooler years

Be ready to help. When you bring home your new baby, they'll change your family's dynamics in a big way – and your firstborn will need time to adjust to being an older sibling.

Not all big brothers or sisters act out, but it's not uncommon for newly minted older siblings to have more temper tantrums or behave disruptively. It may be especially hard for older kids to adapt to sharing attention if they're between ages 2 and 4 when a younger sibling arrives.

It's not easy, especially when you're caring for a newborn , but your job is to be patient and help your older child manage their big feelings. "Parents can help mitigate feelings of resentment or jealousy over the new baby by being accepting and validating of all of the older siblings' feelings," says Yost Abrams.

Making space for regular one-on-one time with your older child can help. For example, take them to their favorite playground or go on a special lunch date while their baby brother or sister stays home with another caregiver. It can also be helpful to create opportunities for the whole family to have fun together – try putting on music and having an impromptu dance party.

Praise the good stuff. With younger kids, one of the best ways to encourage closeness and kindness between siblings is by leaning into the positive moments. "Focus more on praising what your children do 'right' in the sibling relationship rather than what they do 'wrong'," says Goodwin.

As your children interact, keep an eye out for opportunities to offer positive reinforcement. If your preschooler shares a toy with their younger sibling, make a big deal out of it: "That was so kind when you shared your favorite car. You're such a wonderful big brother/sister!"

When one of your children does act out or behave unkindly to the other, try to stay calm and neutral and encourage them to share their feelings ("Can you tell your brother what it felt like when he broke your toy?").

Think "fair" rather than "equal." Kids have different personalities, interests, and needs, and it isn't always possible – or even practical – for everything to be exactly the same. But keeping your parenting as balanced as possible can help minimize feelings of resentment. "It may not always be equal, but it should be fair," Goodwin says.

Research shows that children feel less emotionally connected to their brothers or sisters when they detect unfair treatment from their parents. In one recent study of more than 300 now-adults reflecting on their childhoods, those that recalled differential treatment had less-positive sibling relationships in the present day.

To keep things balanced:

• Don't discipline one child significantly more than the other. If they're different ages, you'll discipline them differently, but one kid shouldn't be the only one ever getting timeouts, for example.
• Don't assign blame during disagreements. "Try not to take sides, or label one child as the victim and the other as the aggressor," says Yost Abrams.
• Do show each child equal amounts of warmth and affection.

In the elementary school years

Encourage kids to work out conflicts on their own. When elementary-age children argue, the best approach is usually to stay out of it. Instead, see if you can get them to work it out themselves.

Tell them that you understand their dilemma and that you're sure they can come up with a solution, then step aside. In the long run, resolving their own conflicts is an important skill for your children to learn, with the added benefit of making your life easier.

Of course, some issues kids just can't work out on their own. In that case, call a meeting to discuss the problem.

Give each child their say, writing down the main points. Read each position back to the group, taking time for feedback, and ask for solutions. Discuss the ideas and settle on one you can all live with. If that doesn't work or if the kids are too upset to negotiate, give them a half-hour cooling-off period and try again.

A follow-up meeting or two might be necessary to see how the solution is working. And eventually, they'll be so sick of being called back to the table, they'll do whatever it takes to make things right.

Try not to foster competition. As tempting as it may be to get your C+ student to model themselves on their honor-roll sibling, don't try. Comparisons send a competitive message and can intensify a rivalry.

Your job is to help your child do their best . If they bring home a B-, an improvement over their regular Cs, congratulate and reward them. Treating each child as an individual means recognizing and setting individual goals.

Acknowledging one child's achievements doesn't mean slighting the other one, though. If your less academically inclined child feels outshone by their sibling, for instance, encourage them in other areas. This might mean squeezing in more soccer games or art lessons, but encouraging them to develop and express their personal talents will also help them establish their own identity and bolster their self-esteem.

Some kids' talents are obvious, while others need help finding activities they have a knack for. This may take time, and possibly a trial-and-error approach, but don't give up. Eventually your grade-schooler will find something that lets them shine.

Stop the putdowns. "Mom likes me better." "You stink." Insults and teasing are as common and inevitable as bickering and arguing among siblings. Still, a brother or sister's taunts and barbs can intensify a rivalry or reinforce a negative self-image. So unlike your hands-off approach to bickering, it's wise to step in and stop the putdowns.

When you hear your grade-schooler insult their brother or sister, don't say anything in front of them. Instead, wait until the two of you are alone and tell them, "It's not okay to say hurtful things to your brother." (If you correct your child in front of their sibling, they might exact revenge for their humiliation.)

If putdowns are a chronic problem, call a family meeting to discuss it and decide on a solution. You might take away privileges for every hurtful comment you hear – cutting 15 minutes of screen time, for example, or deducting a dollar from their allowance.

Is sibling competition ever a good thing?

You don't want to encourage a negative sibling relationship, but some level of competition between brothers and sisters might be beneficial at times. "Mild spats can be opportunities for learning," says Yost Abrams.

When kids disagree about which TV show to watch or what game to play, for example, they're forced to figure out how to work through conflict by stating their own needs and being understanding of someone else's.

Key Takeaways

• When your kids are fighting, try to stay calm and neutral. Don't discipline one child more than the other, take sides, or assign blame.

• Praise younger kids when they're kind to their sibling, and help them manage their feelings when they're acting out.

• Encourage older kids to work out conflicts on their own. If they can't, call a meeting to discuss the problem and possible solutions.

Handling sibling conflict in blended families

Parents who have divorced and remarried often find that the dynamics of stepsiblings can complicate matters even more, producing extra feelings of jealousy and resentment. The result can be arguing, name-calling, teasing, tattling, pushing, and hitting that will occupy your kids for hours on end and may threaten your sanity!

• First, don't expect too much. It can take years for stepsiblings to really get along. With that in mind, it's important to lay the groundwork for a new stepfamily, right at the outset, by talking openly together. "Normalize feelings of resentment and jealousy and the change that the families have been through," says Yost Abrams. Explain any changes or shifts in responsibilities, and lay out basic family rules – always making sure both parents are on the same page and present a united front.
• Encourage kids to manage conflict on their own. As much as possible, have stepsiblings work out problems themselves, just as you would with any other brothers and sisters. You may have to sit through their discussions and have follow-up meetings if the conflict seems serious – just get them talking.
• Hang out as a group. Spending time together can help your new blended family feel like, well, a family. If group outings or trips are feasible, that's great. But it can be easier and more effective to assign group projects. Get stepsiblings to clean out the garage, for instance – they may even work cooperatively to get it done faster. Try not to force bonding among stepsiblings, though. Give them their own space and their own boundaries.
• Schedule one-on-one time, too. Equally important as group hangouts are solo sessions with each child. Ensuring all kids in the new family get plenty of attention will help fill their cups, plus provide a safe space to talk about any feelings of sadness or jealousy they're working through.
• Be fair – and never compare. "Both parents should try to be consistent in terms of discipline with all children so [they] don't become bitter due to unfairness," says Goodwin. And speaking of bitterness, comparing any children in a blended family is a quick way to breed resentment.

Nobody ever said that raising kids was easy, and some fights are inevitable in every kind of family. But with your understanding, patience, and love, your children can have a strong sibling bond. They'll have someone to navigate life's ups and downs with – and there are few things better than that.