After my wife's death, I'm drowning in medical debt. How do I recover?

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader has medical debt after their wife's death.
• Our columnist suggests getting an itemized bill and finding out what costs can be cut.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

Dear For Love & Money,

I lost my wife to cancer last year. I'm heartbroken and facing a mountain of medical debt — I have no idea how to move forward and pay all of this off on my modest salary. My wife made most of our money when she was still working. I have enough to keep myself afloat, but I have nothing left. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Overwhelmed

Dear Overwhelmed,

The position you have found yourself in is terribly unfair. No one's grief should come with an invoice. But I'll refrain from going on a tirade about the impossible state of healthcare in the U.S. and instead give you actionable steps for conquering the mountain of medical debt so that, at the very least, you can grieve in peace.

To get this advice, I reached out to my father-in-law, the CEO of a hospital, who knows all the inside tricks for figuring out your medical debt. First, he says you should never immediately cut a check. Treating medical bills like every other form of debt can be easy — responsible people just pay it.

However, between hospitals setting prices that health insurance companies will inevitably negotiate down and often having avenues of aid for people in difficult financial circumstances, many people don't realize that there is typically wiggle room at the bottom line. So there's no reason to rush right to it.

My father-in-law suggests calling the hospital and speaking to someone in the billing department. Every hospital will be different, but many have foundations that can help you reduce your bill or write it off altogether. They may require you to demonstrate your need with an application, proof of income, a letter, or more. He says that the key to getting financial aid is to show that you are willing to cooperate in the payment process to whatever degree you can and to be honest about your needs.

Even if you don't qualify for debt relief, the provider you owe will almost certainly work with you on a manageable payment plan. After all, they would rather get paid a little over a long period than not get paid at all because you had to declare bankruptcy.

You've likely already considered this, but you could also put any life insurance payout you received after your wife's passing toward the hospital bills. Going from a dual income to a smaller single income will be a hard enough adjustment for you, so removing the medical debt from the equation will give you more space to rework your budget into something that can sustain your new life.

I also asked my friend Blaise Cannon about your situation; as the father of a child with a congenital disease, he's unfortunately become something of an expert when it comes to medical debt . His first advice was the same as my father-in-law's: Never pay immediately. You have the right to verify everything. Verifying your bill will require an itemized list, so call and request one.

If the itemized bill they send you is written in insurance codes, call again and request one written in plain language. Once you receive this bill, check for surprise charges or services you don't remember receiving. Email or call the billing department to clarify anything you don't understand.

Cannon also encouraged you to know your rights. For instance, you cannot be billed out-of-network for an emergency in-patient stay. And if you have insurance, you should never agree to advance payment, because getting your insurance to reimburse you will be a brutal process.

He also suggested negotiating every bill every time. This can be a difficult mindset to adopt since most of our bills in life aren't up for discussion, but hospitals typically build these negotiations into their prices. For instance, Cannon said you can offer to pay a smaller amount upfront rather than getting on a payment plan for the total cost. If you get on a payment plan, insist on an autopay discount.

Finally, Cannon told me that he's learned time and again always to check your monthly bills. Since payment plans are often farmed out to third-party vendors, mistakes aren't rare, and you don't want to get overcharged.

As you make the necessary phone calls, go through the pile of invoices, and begin traversing this mountain of debt, I hope you find the space to take care of yourself, too. Money seems to make the world go 'round, which is why it's so easy to get swept away by financial anxiety, even when a thousand other things deserve our time and attention. But you lost your life partner. Right now, figuring out how to move forward as a person is the most important thing you can do.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form .

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