Jim Gaffigan's green thumb fails

In the summer after 7th grade, I tried to grow corn in sand. I did! (I wasn't a bright kid.)

I loved popcorn. I still do, but back then I was obsessed with popcorn. For my birthday that year I was given my very own hot air popcorn popper. Once upon a time that was cutting edge technology. Well, to me it was.

One day my mom casually mentioned that if I planted a kernel of popcorn, a corn plant would grow. This blew my mind: I could grow my own popcorn?!? Again, I wasn't a bright kid.

Either way, the next day I set out to grow my own popcorn.

The only issue was, we lived among sand dunes next to Lake Michigan. The soil wasn't ideal for growing anything. Well, it was sand! This didn't deter me. I took my handful of popcorn kernels and planted them next to the beach grass that sparsely grew around our house. I watered the soil (I mean, sand) diligently. My parents and older siblings snickered and thought I was crazy. Then, the most incredible thing happened: Little tiny corn plants sprouted out of the sand next to the beach grass.

My family was shocked. I was thrilled and proud. I was growing corn!

Then, the corn plants died. It was sand, after all. You can't grow corn in sand. (At least I couldn't.)

This summer I'm growing corn once again, now in a New York City suburb. My wife and children kind of snicker at me and think I'm crazy. This is my third year in a row trying to grow corn successfully. If my recent past harvests are any indication, this summer I'll likely feed my family one entire meal of corn from all my effort.

Could I cheaply buy fresh corn from just about anywhere? Sure! But I didn't grow that corn.

Besides, I'm still not that bright.

For more info:

• jimgaffigan.com
• Pre-order Jim Gaffigan's album "The Prisoner," available August 30

Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Mike Levine.

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