Halloween ghosts from dates past, a dating column (spooky season edition)

I had four solid dates with a man I met on Bumble; we’ll call him Mike. Mike asked me out for a fifth date and suggested Sunday evening. He texted Sunday morning to confirm and said to sit tight for the details. To be honest, I’m getting a little antsy. I still haven’t got the details from Mike and it’s been four years. I was “ghosted.”

According to my bible, Wikipedia, “ghosting” is a colloquial term that describes the practice of ending all communication and contact with another person without any apparent warning or justification.

Mike, however, did rise briefly from the dead. A week after our scheduled date, he apologized for his disappearance, explaining that on Sunday afternoon, he’d felt lightheaded, laid down and slept for 14 hours. Unless Mike had had an undiagnosed case of mono or a concussion, I didn’t buy it. Who takes 14 hour naps? Why did it take him an entire week to tell me? Wasn’t he concerned that he missed a date, let alone an entire day?

After the Mike ghosting, I realized that there are three types of ghosts one needs to watch out for in dating:

1. CASPERS

These are friendly ghosts. Caspers are the people you have a couple of nice dates with but the communication fades out. If they come back to life, you smile briefly, but since it didn’t work the first time, remind yourself—they’re dead.

2. GRAVEDIGGERS

These are the Mikes of the world. Gravediggers left you high and dry with a bad taste in your mouth. Maybe you weren’t head over heels about them, but after a certain number of dates, you deserve an explanation as to why they stopped communicating. If they come back, remind yourself that they dug their own grave and send them back to the afterworld.

3. POLTERGEISTS

Run, hide, and block your cell phone from these ghosts. Poltergeists are relentless. They broke your heart and left you angry, confused and sad. Poltergeists rise from the dead only when they’re bored; they’re not really interested in you. They’ll re-enter your life loudly, because they like attention. At first, it’s a little tempting because poltergeists tend to be charming and funny, but remind yourself their headquarters are based in hell and that’s where you’re headed if you acknowledge them. One must beware of these ghosts as they tend to come out around Halloween. So please remember, if there’s something strange in your Bumble neighborhood and it doesn’t look good, ask yourself, “who you gonna call?”

Bridget McGuire is a Chicago based storyteller, stand-up comedian and is a co-producer of “All That Good Stuff ,” a traveling comedy show that started on the southside of Chicago. Follow her on Instagram at @bmcguire82.

Originally from September 28, 2021