Two Connecticut women author book on the “family court underworld”

In a rented conference room in Darien, roughly thirty to forty people – mostly women – have gathered for a book launch party, including founders of national nonprofits, documentary filmmakers, and a member of the General Assembly’s Judiciary Committee, all with an interest in the family court system.

It is just one of multiple such events being held across the state by Dr. Christine Cocchiola, a professor and expert in coercive control, and Amy Polacko, an award-winning journalist and divorce coach, to promote their book, Framed: Women in the Family Court Underworld , which compiles 22 stories from women around the world on how the family court system was weaponized by their abusive ex-husbands and partners to continue exerting control over their former spouses.

Both Cocchiola and Polacko, who describe themselves on the back cover as “survivors of domestic abuse,” said the book was partially born out of their own experiences in the family court system, something echoed by many other women in attendance that night.

“My own experience in family court was truly the Twilight Zone,” Polacko said. “I experienced court officials bragging about how much money they were making, demeaning me, and certainly the other people, and when I experienced that for the first time, I thought this can’t be happening, this can’t be our system in America.”

“When you experience family court, you can’t look away,” Polacko continued. “You have to reach back and help those who are still in it. As a divorce coach and a journalist, I want to shine a light on this. Everyone thinks this won’t happen to them until it does.”

Cocchiola says they chose the title “Framed,” to paint a picture of what happens to women when they come into family court with abuse allegations – that they are not believed and, in turn, are portrayed to be “the problem.”

“When a victim comes forward, she’s often disbelieved, and the moment she discloses that abuse, often she gets framed as the abuser, as the problem,” Cocchiola said. “Overall, there is a huge problem that people are only interested in capitalizing on the vulnerability of people.”

“There is a belief in the judicial system that women lie about abuse a lot, which is not true,” Cocchiola said. “The bottom line is the patriarchal norms that are set up in society and the systems that align in that patriarchy, and that is what’s happening in family court.”

There has been a growing chorus in recent years of women saying the family court system is ignoring domestic abuse and allowing abusive ex-partners to use the court system to exact revenge, dragging out divorce and child custody cases over years, with hundreds of motions filed.

The costs of these high conflict cases can wander into the millions and leave one party or the other destitute and having to represent themselves in court because they can no longer afford an attorney. In these authors’ view – and in the view of many divorced men, as well – the only winners in these situations are judges, attorneys and court-appointed experts, therapists, and psychologists who charge tens of thousands of dollars for their services.

“Abusers weaponize our court system and they’re allowed to,” Polacko said. “The people involved are making so much money, what is their incentive to stop? And then there is a deep-rooted misogyny, and that was shocking to me years ago when I first experienced the system.”

In one story contained in the book, “Lucy” describes how her parents essentially emptied their retirement savings, spending $600,000 for her legal fees in her custody battle: “But so much time has passed that I wonder if there will be any kids at the end of this. They are quickly approaching adulthood, and there is no end in sight for the divorce.”

Women like Cocchiola and Polacko, along with several other attendees of their book launch party, have joined with hundreds more in online groups to support each other as they go through the family court system, offering advice, and court-watching to bear witness to what they say is judicial bias and a willful disregard of domestic abuse allegations.

Some family court issues have come to national attention recently, resulting in new laws, both in Connecticut and in other states.

In 2021, Connecticut passed Jennifer’s Law to define coercive control – one partner controlling the other through threats, intimidation, and finances but without physical harm – as a form of domestic abuse following the murder of Jennifer Magnano by her ex-husband and the disappearance and presumed murder of Jennifer Dulos, a case that gained nationwide attention.

A series of articles by ProPublica examining reunification camps in Colorado in which children are forced to attend a camp with a parent they are resistant to seeing – sometimes due to abuse allegations – resulted in a state law that limits the use of those camps.

In one story contained in their book, “Victoria” describes how a reunification expert hired by her ex-husband was allowed to testify in court that she had “severely alienated” the children from their father and that the only remedy would be the children attending a reunification camp run by that very same psychologist, who was no longer licensed.

“This paved the way for [ex-husband] to request the court eliminate me from the children’s lives – a requirement of reunification camps,” Victoria wrote in the book. “Ultimately, the camp profited, charging an estimated $10,000 per day, to consult and ‘run’ the unregulated and experimental ‘stay away’ hotel program with our children.”

The law passed in Colorado – and another in California – are based on Kayden’s Law passed at the federal level, which limits the use of reunification camps and therapy and places more stringent guidelines on expert opinions, and something advocated for in the book’s policy recommendations.

Cocchiola and Polacko are also quick to point out that it is not just women who endure coercive control and abuse, both in relationships and in the court system, it happens to men as well, but say that women are far more often abuse victims rather than perpetrators. Ultimately, they hope the book serves as a guide for women so they don’t end up in an abusive relationship in the first place.

“We want these stories to be read by people before they start dating,” Cocchiola said. “We also want to validate victims’ experiences and we also want to give people information to understand what can possibly happen in their case, because nobody goes into court actually thinking the court is not going to protect their children and that is what’s happening.”

“We need people to understand that the pathology of abusers is really, really harmful and they are really good at letting people think they are not bad people when the really are,” Cocchiola said.

“We want to be preventative and warn people about the red flags of these types of dangerous relationships and what can happen when you get married and divorced,” Polacko said. “We want to spark a grassroots movement for change; we need regular people who care about women and children to join the fight to reform our family courts.”

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