MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS: Masking a condition can be exhausting, counterproductive

My brain and body don’t get along.

I want to have good days, be happy and energetic, but because of my depression and list of other mental health conditions, it’s sometimes out of reach. I don’t like to think there’s something wrong or that I have a “bad” brain, but I can’t help thinking it’s a betrayal of my mind, the all-to-perseverant culprit.

It has been five years since I was hospitalized at a psychiatric facility; my six-week stay prompted my recovery. I haven’t experienced another depressive episode yet, but even in my recovery, I still get depressed, which is difficult for others to understand — those who thought I was “cured” from the hospital visit.

It’s true that I have been happier, less destructive and busier than I have been in probably a decade, and many people have seen this. Some have said I have “high functioning depression,” a term I wish people didn’t use.

Pressure mounts on my shoulders while tension seeks out all my muscles. I’m expected to be well and productive, and because I don’t want to disappoint anyone or chip away at my now-positive and productive public persona, I do what’s called masking.

Masking is when an individual hides or represses symptoms of a mental health condition to blend in or adapt to the neurotypical world, according to Psychology Today. This behavior can be helpful at times such as when you’re working in a professional environment, at school or with job interviews. It’s difficult not to do it in those situations, but it can be harmful, causing stress, exhaustion and burnout.

I feel like I’m doing a disservice to myself when I mask because I don’t always let people know how I’m feeling or when I need help. It can be so easy for me to mirror what others are feeling and how they’re behaving, but it really is tiring, and I feel fake, as though I’m performing. It’s the Heather Ann Loeb show, sponsored by Vyvanse and caffeine. I often push my body to its limit, thinking people need me to smile and put on a show.

I’m not the poster child for recovery and being mentally healthy. I don’t want to be, but all too often, (some) people go along with our (mentally ill people's) performance and ignore warning signs and our fake smiles because they’re scared of mental illness, and it’s easy to ignore. I get that.

But if you’re spending all your energy on masking, there’s none left to take care of your mental health condition, and obviously that can lead to severe depression, emotional regulation, suicidal thoughts, etc.

The thing is, warning signs of depression can’t be seen if we don’t show anyone.

I’m Heather, and I have major depressive disorder and dysthymia (among other conditions). I have suicidal thoughts more than I should. It’s difficult for me to take care of myself at times. The smallest of chores, like showering, seems insurmountable, and I can’t always explain it to my friends and family. I lose interest in the things that I love and can’t eat or sleep. Obligations make me resentful, and sometimes I don’t show up where I need to be.

That’s not who I am but part of my illness. And that should be okay, to me and anyone else.

Let’s drop the facade and just be real.

Let’s take our masks off.

For more than 20 years, Heather Loeb has experienced major depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and a personality disorder, while also battling the stigma of mental health. She is the creator of Unruly Neurons (www.unrulyneurons.com), a blog dedicated to normalizing depression and is the Affiliate Leader of NAMI Greater Corpus Christi.

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This article originally appeared on Corpus Christi Caller Times: MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS: Masking a condition can be exhausting, counterproductive