Woman in striped shirt looks at her phone while resting her head in her handsPhoto byKev CostelloonUnsplash

The Internet changed our lives. We can have a random question and easily find an answer with a simple Google search. We have knowledge at our literal fingertips, and it can make us insatiable to learn more. But sometimes, the things we want to know can fall into the category of None of Our Business.

We want to know anyway. In a world of instant gratification, it seems harmless enough to seek out readily available in. In a few clicks, we get our answers. But why do we have this impulse, and when does it become harmful?

Cyberstalking vs Cyber Snooping

Although “cyberstalking” is the more popular term, the truth is that much of what we’re calling stalking is snooping — and yes, there is a difference. The stalking behavior depicted in the hit Netflix show Baby Reindeer is in a different league entirely from someone checking on the public status of a former partner or friend without ever making contact. Although stalking victims can be any gender, women are more often the targets according to The National Violence Against Women Survey. One in 12 women are likely to experience this behavior in their lifetimes.

It might seem like a matter of semantics. Yet, before we delve into the why of it and when it becomes harmful, it’s important to specify that we’re talking about snooping here, not the criminal harassment that is stalking. The National Violence Against Women Prevention Research Center defines stalking as “a repetitive pattern of unwanted, harassing or threatening behavior committed by one person against another.” Snooping can involve checking up on someone without harassment, threats, invasions of privacy, or otherwise bothering them.

Social Media Snooping

Now that we’ve clarified that we’re talking about snooping and not stalking, it’s important to understand why it’s such a common behavior — and when it crosses the line into self-harm.

Safe Snooping

We all have a friend who should have been recruited by the CIA. They can find out anything and everything about someone simply by exploring their online presence and looking into public records. For many women, this is a matter of personal safety. Before meeting someone we’ve met online, it’s simply a good practice to do a little sleuthing to find out the character of this person. We’ve got their self-report, but it’s equally important to know if they’ll pop up on a sex offender registry or if they appear to already be in a relationship according to all their social media profiles.

Most of us are simply trying to avoid being featured on Dateline, but we’re also conscious of the fact that not every person who says they’re single is telling the truth. We don’t want to be the side chick any more than we want to end up murdered in the woods — but one of those things is certainly more urgent than the other. While social profiles won’t list the occupation as Serial Killer, there are other red flags of danger that we might be able to find when checking up on someone online. This is a safety measure that every woman I know employs for good reason.

Grief Snooping

A former partner once accused me of being a stalker. He actually used that word. I had joined a public group that I didn’t realize he was in. Why would I when the membership was in the thousands, and we were no longer connected on social media? Once I realized he was an active member of the group, I didn’t see a reason to leave as I thought we had ended on good terms. Clearly, I was wrong.

If I’m honest, there were times when I looked at his social media profiles. The breakup had been crushing for me, and I had a hard time moving on. Because we had been intimately connected for so long, every now and then, I would worry about him and want to make sure that he was okay. Every time this happened, I would discover that he seemed fine — alive and well at any rate — and I was not fine. I was no less heartbroken than before.

Snooping out of grief is a normal reaction. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t done it, and I suspect anyone who says otherwise might be lying. We might think we’ll find reassurance or comfort, but we usually just find that it prolongs our sadness or anger. Still, with the entire world of knowledge at our fingertips, it can be tempting to check up on people who are no longer in our lives.

Nosy Neds and Nellies

Let’s be honest: Some cyber snoops do it purely out of curiosity. It’s a form of entertainment to them. They want to know about people whose lives they are no longer privy to. Frankly, I’ve looked people up simply to show their photo to a friend when I was telling a story about them. Close friends like having those details.

Sometimes, we’re just nosy — plain and simple. We’re not checking to make sure we’re safe, and we’re not grieving. We just want to look out of pure curiosity. It’s like reading a few chapters of a book but never getting the ending. Sometimes, we’re not looking for closure. Instead, we’re just looking to see what happened next because we’re no longer in a position to get those updates directly from the source.

Orbiting Snoopers

There are also the orbiters who snoop on social media. Rather than looking without engaging, they often like photos or leave comments. They want us to know they were there. While this can be a way people harass us, it’s also a way for people who aren’t in our inner circle to let us know that they’re still around — and likely interested in interacting.

I’ve known a lot of men who do this simply to keep their options open. They might be seeing someone else, but they often engage in orbiting behaviors in case it doesn’t work out. Orbiting has an element of snooping without trying to be covert about it. They are staying on the outer fringe of our lives, ready to step back in at a moment’s notice — or step out if necessary.

Snooping: Harm and Help

Snooping can help — especially when it comes to safety issues. It’s the most understandable reason for someone to go out in search of someone’s profile and online presence. Men often worry about being rejected while women worry about being assaulted or murdered. Snooping for safety reasons is absolutely within the realm of helping ourselves.

Grief snooping can seem helpful, but it actually causes far more harm in the healing process. Some people want to know if their former partners have moved on — and when and with whom. Other people look because they can’t quite move forward. They’re stuck wondering what went wrong and what they would have changed if they could. They’re looking for answers because of the enormity of their grief and sense of loss. I was that kind of grief snooper, and I can say with 100% certainty that the act of checking became self-harming.

It starts with wanting to reassure ourselves and seeking out the person we once turned to for comfort. But we quickly find that it’s just poking an unhealed wound. Instead of making us feel better, it only exacerbates our pain, grief, loneliness, or longing. Depending on the circumstances, it can also stoke anger and resentment. What it doesn’t do is help us move forward and let go of the connection.

When I began to heal, I imposed a new rule on myself. I wouldn’t check the social media profiles. I wouldn’t go looking for him in the wide world of the Internet. I would sit with those moments of profound and terrible grief, and I would feel them. I would let them pass, and I would let him go. I had to sever the connection so that I could truly heal.

When I think of him, because I’m human and sometimes I do, I hope he’s well. I send those hopes out into the Universe, but I don’t go looking for reassurance that I won’t find anyway. I don’t check the profiles. I don’t fall into my former bad habits. I let the feelings come and go — because they will go if I let them.

Surprisingly, the curious snoopers can experience just as much harm as the ones who do it out of grief. Curious snoopers might believe that people’s social media presence is a reflection of their reality. It can foster a sense of competition. A person who snoops out of curiosity may fall victim to comparisons and think that the lives depicted onscreen are so much better than their own — without realizing that they are only seeing the highlights that person felt inclined to share.

Curiosity snooping can be idle entertainment, or it can nurture discontent with our own lives. It can also be used for gossip, which can create harm when it spreads. It might seem like being nosy is fairly innocent, but it can cross a line into harm before we know we’ve gone there.

The orbiting snoopers can also be creating harm. Frankly, the ones in relationships are engaging in suspect behavior. While it’s often called micro-cheating, this “keeping your options open” behavior is actual cheating. It’s the intention that matters, not whether or not there’s an emotional or physical relationship happening. Engaging with those backup options can harm the relationship even if the behavior seems perfectly innocent. We all know that it’s not innocent if we see any of these people we’re orbiting as a possibility for a romantic partnership.

There are reasons we snoop online. Safety is paramount. But sometimes, we just do it because the information is out there, and we’re curious. It’s so easy to look, and the temptation can be too great to resist. We want to know the rest of the story. We do what feels good at the moment, and if it harms us later? Well, we’ll deal with that later.

We’re all guilty of cyber-snooping at some point and time. We all likely realize that it’s not our best selves participating in this behavior. We’re human, and it’s a human impulse.

But as we heal and become more immersed in our own lives, we might find the temptation easing. We no longer care what other people are doing or why. We’re too busy making meaning in our lives and being grateful for what we have. We move away from that need to check up on others, and our lives are fuller as a result.

If we encounter a moment of pure idle curiosity, we might indulge or we might not. We can ask ourselves a few questions to determine if it might be harmful — questions like, “How will I feel if I check up on this person?” or “What am I looking to gain from it?” We can even ask ourselves how we would feel as the subjects of someone else’s snooping and let the answer guide our actions.

Originally published on Medium