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I was never good at falling in love. It required trust that I didn’t have and a belief that everything would work out. Falling in love needed wide-eyed wonder when all I had was skepticism. I was far too guarded to let myself fall, so instead, I took calculated risks. I waded in a little at a time while always tracking the shoreline.

But staying in love once I got there? I was good at that. I might not be naturally trusting, but I’m loyal. I had all the relationship skill sets for staying in love. I was willing to stick through the hard times — perhaps a little too willing if I’m honest.

There are different skills needed for falling in love versus staying there. I’m sure there are people out there who excel at both, but I’ve known people who are good at only one of them. I’m one of them.

There was that one time that I was good at falling in love. Where I believed. Where I traded in my skepticism for stars in my eyes and a song in my heart. Where I took a leap because the person I loved felt like home. For once in my life, I was good at falling in love and staying in it, but I sometimes think I chose a partner who was only good at the falling part and faltered when it came to staying.

Skills Necessary for Falling in Love

Relationships require certain skills. For falling in love, it’s important to have trust, optimism, and an open heart. Falling in love requires being a little in love with risk-taking. It’s a leap into the unknown, but it’s accompanied by a euphoria that some people find difficult to resist.

People like me, on the other hand, find that euphoria terrifying more than exhilarating. At the point where those good at falling in love are experiencing the high of loving, people who aren’t great at this skill set are desperately pumping the brakes and preparing for a crash landing. It doesn’t stop us from falling most of the time, but it can prevent us from enjoying it.

Falling in love can be as simple as finding attraction, chemistry, and shared interests with another person. There’s a desire to connect as much as possible, and spending time with the one we love can feel addictive. To fall is to hope, but it also requires becoming attached to another person. Some people have an innate tendency to connect in that way, and it’s a strength that makes falling in love easy for them.

Skills Necessary for Staying in Love

Staying in love is another skill set. It demands different things from us. It requires a willingness to openly and effectively communicate, to make compromises, and to choose love even on the days when it is hard. To stay in love, we have to be aware that the other person has flaws and love them anyway. We have to be willing to nurture romance and intimacy, but we also have to be willing to fight through the hard days for the relationship to survive.

Staying in love requires loyalty, empathy, and commitment. It demands that we share future goals and forgive each other for intentional and unintentional hurts. To stay in love, we have to embrace routine and accept that the entire relationship can’t just be one big adrenaline rush. We learn a whole new appreciation for the small things — the little moments of tenderness and connection that help to build strong relationships.

I was always better at staying in love than falling. I gave a whole new meaning to hopelessly devoted because I could stay in love beyond all reason or common sense. I could love someone who didn’t love me back. I could stay even when the relationship had run its course. I had to learn to love myself better to correct this tendency. I could no longer afford to love them better than I love me.

The Dangers of Having Only One Skill Set

The problem is that we don’t always have the self-awareness to see where our skills are focused. Some people are great at falling in love. They can take that leap, and they love the rush it gives them. But they get bored.

Finding flaws gives them the excuse they need to move on to a new rush. They look for attraction and chemistry outside the now-familiar relationship. They’re not good at communication or compromise because it requires a deeper vulnerability than what they’ve cultivated along the way. Those who are good at falling in love seem to keep doing it. Staying in love, on the other hand, is a challenge for them.

Then, there are the people like me. Bad at falling, good at staying. We see all the dangers. We’re not sure it’s worth the risk. If we fall, most of the time we do it reluctantly. We can’t always feel the joy of love because we’re overwhelmed by the anxiety of it.

But when we secure the relationship, when we love and feel loved in return, that’s where we shine. We’re good at nurturing love and connection. We don’t mind compromise, and even when communication is hard, we understand the importance. We’ve gotten beyond the fear of falling, and we’re aware enough of what we can lose that we do what it takes to maintain the relationship.

We don’t take this part for granted. We can’t. We know what it is to love and lose, so we’re grateful for the simple, everyday moments that come with familiarity, comfort, and a deeper intimacy. We’re not looking for the rush because we’ve learned how to enjoy the daily experience of love.

It’s important to have more than one skill set in relationships. I am working on being more open and available to falling in love. I’m addressing the trust issues, fear, and anxiety that I experience because I know that they’re blocking my joy.

It’s equally important that those who experience the initial joy find ways to maintain it. Every day is not going to be that first flush of romance and infatuation. Some days will involve bad moods and poor connection. That doesn’t mean we give up and look for someone or something else. It just means we need to nurture and appreciate a new phase in the relationship.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be very good at falling, but I am doing what I can to get out of my own way. If love finds me, I want to feel the joy of it rather than the fear of what could happen if I let myself love again. If I take that leap and fall, I know now that it’s important to be committed to the relationship as long as that relationship is meeting my needs. I won’t overcommit and self-abandon — not ever again. Relationships take work. While we might not be good at every aspect of them, it’s important to be self-aware enough to nurture the skills that challenge us so that we can find love — and keep it, too.

Originally published on Medium