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It’s reasonable to say that I think a lot about my history of relationships. I’m not holding onto the past, not anymore, but I am trying to learn from it. I don’t want to keep repeating the same mistakes and playing out the same disappointing scenarios. I want to do better.

I’ve learned to recognize the signs of red flag territory in relationships. The simple recognition of these signs serves as proof that we’re either (a) ready for change or (b) have changed already. Sometimes, we have the self-awareness to recognize the red flags, but we haven’t done anything to change our situation. In those cases, we might be ready for change, but we’re not quite there yet.

There are several stages of change that we experience: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It’s important to acknowledge where we are in the journey. It’s possible to contemplate and prepare for change without being at the point where we’re willing or able to take action.

Sometimes, we have the self-awareness to recognize the red flags, but we haven’t done anything to change our situation.

I know I’ve finally learned the lessons because I’ve gone beyond awareness and into action. I don’t just see a red flag, note it, and continue on as before. I see the flag, note it, and use it as my cue to walk away.

7 Clues We’re in Red Flag Territory

There are some indicators that we’re in red flag territory. These have been true for me and nearly everyone I know. We can use this as confirmation of what we likely already know to be true but haven’t yet addressed.

1. We Construct a Why Around Their Faults

We know we’re in red flag territory when we’ve constructed an entire narrative around why they are the way they are. As a therapist, I understand that everyone has their reasons for who they are and how they behave. I’m not dismissing that. What I am doing is acknowledging that the problem here isn’t their why. It’s the way we dismiss the harm done by their actions because of their why.

I was always good at creating a story. It’s the writer in me. But it’s also the part of me that wants to see the best in everyone. So, when I would tell my friends some guy’s backstory, it was really with the intention of excusing hurtful behavior. I excused addiction, emotional abuse, emotional unavailability, and neglect with reasons why they were like that. If it wasn’t their fault, I couldn’t be faulted for staying with them. Right? Wrong!

If we have to give an origin story to explain why they do what they do, we might want to take a closer look at the relationship. It’s important to be understanding and to make space for people to be flawed. The problem is that we sometimes hand out free passes that let our partners avoid accountability because they had a hard time in the past. We let them give us a hard time because they once struggled, and we don’t hold them accountable or acknowledge that they have the power to learn and make new choices. That’s when we know we’re in red flag territory.

The problem is that we sometimes hand out free passes that let our partners avoid accountability.

2. We Acknowledge Their Flaws with a “But”

Then, there are times when we acknowledge their flaws, but it is always followed by an addendum. They have a mean sense of humor, BUT they are just socially awkward and when we get to know them will see this laundry list of positive traits we’re overlooking. Or, yes, he’s a user, but when he tries, he can really be a standup guy. Yes, she’s got a drinking problem, but the rest of the time, she’s an absolute peach.

We’ve got a long list of pros and cons, and we’re always calculating to make sure that we list more of the pros to balance out the sometimes-massive cons. The truth is that both things can be true. He can be mean and socially awkward with many positive traits we don’t see. He can be a user and still choose to be really great when he wants to be. She can have a drinking problem and still be one of the nicest people we’ve ever met. It’s not a matter of either/or. Both/and can be true.

Once again, the problem isn’t the existence of faults and flaws but the fact that we’re always trying to convince ourselves and everyone around us that the good points outweigh the bad. And if we’re trying that hard to convince people, we probably don’t even believe it. We’re just afraid to admit that we need to leave.

The problem isn’t the existence of faults and flaws but the fact that we’re always trying to convince ourselves and everyone around us that the good points outweigh the bad.

3. We Make Excuses to Our Friends

We don’t just point to the past or list their positives. We also make excuses for them. We might even take it to the point where we blame ourselves. Yes, he’s emotionally unavailable and inconsistent, but I was being a little clingy. See how that works? He’s not responsible for his behavior if mine was problematic, too. But of course, we’re all responsible for our behavior, and healthy partners don’t withhold their emotions just because we feel anxious about the relationship.

The excuses themselves, no matter what they are, indicate that this is red flag territory. We’re not facing the facts. We’re too busy trying to find the spin that makes those facts acceptable — to us and the people in our lives. This is a warning sign.

The excuses themselves, no matter what they are, indicate that this is red flag territory.

4. We Downplay How Bad It Is

We might even go so far as to downplay how bad the relationship is because we don’t want other people to know. There’s a sense of shame or embarrassment attached to it. We know it’s not good, but we don’t want other people to judge us for what we’re putting up with.

I’ve been there. I didn’t want to tell people that the partner who started out being so nice to me was extremely emotionally abusive behind closed doors. I didn’t want to admit that I had failed to see the signs — or that I had, once again, made a poor choice. I wasn’t just embarrassed that I messed up by picking him. I was equally ashamed that I was with someone who would treat me that way. I knew on a rational level that it wasn’t my fault, but I didn’t understand how I could have so completely misjudged him to be in that situation. When we have to downplay it, we know that all the signs point to it being a toxic relationship.

When we have to downplay it, we know that all the signs point to it being a toxic relationship.

5. We Either Over-Hype It Online or Go Quiet

In my experience, people tend to do one of two things when a relationship goes wrong: We either over-hype it online, or we go radio silent. There are, of course, the people who bring their drama center-stage for our entertainment, but most of us either pretend our relationships are way better than they actually are, or we stop posting because we can’t pretend.

I did a little of both. I certainly over-hyped it. It was denial in action. I was still in love with someone I suspected no longer loved me, and I needed to believe he’d love me again. So, I kept hyping it up when I knew there was a serious problem. But after a while, I started keeping things quiet. When there was no more room for public denial, I had private acceptance. Usually, what follows is the inevitable breakup post or relationship status update.

We don’t owe people information on the status of our relationships. It’s not about that. What’s telling is how our public behaviors change around the relationship. I once told a woman I knew that her husband was sending me inappropriate messages. She read the message and never responded to it but immediately started posting loved-up selfies and sharing how great her relationship was. I already knew that it wasn’t great at all, but I could see how hard she was trying to convince herself. Whether we post tons about the relationship or nothing at all, it’s the effort at pretense that shows us that we’re not yet facing the reality of our relationship.

What’s telling is how our public behaviors change around the relationship.

6. Friends or Family Have Raised Concerns

If friends or family have brought up concerns about our partner, we have entered red flag territory. People who genuinely love us want us to be happy. They want us to be in healthy relationships. If they’re saying that they see some big problems, they aren’t trying to hurt us. Quite the opposite, in fact. We might think we’re happy now and want people to support that happiness, but if we’re happy because we’re ignoring red flags, the people in our lives can acknowledge that the happiness we feel is temporary — and if they love us, they might let us know they’re concerned.

It’s hard. On the one hand, we want to support the people we love in their relationships even if we don’t see what they do. But we also don’t want them making mistakes that will cause them hurt. Speaking up isn’t easy, but it’s just as hard to watch someone make mistakes because they can’t see what is so obvious to everyone else.

People spoke up before I got married. And after. There were concerns raised. I just didn’t want to listen. I wanted to operate in denial a little longer because I couldn’t deal with the sense of loss and rejection that would come if I faced the truth. I know that it was painful for the people to love me to watch. It ended up being painful for me, too.

Now, I have no problem pre-screening people I date through friends and family. If they want to be in my life, they’ll need to pass the vibe check of the people who know and love me best. It’s not about getting everyone’s approval. It’s about making sure I’m living in reality rather than a fantasy. If someone sees a red flag that I don’t, I want to know about it before I’m dealing with the fallout.

People who genuinely love us want us to be happy.

7. This Feels Like Relationship DeJa'Vu

If a relationship begins to feel like one we’ve lived before, welcome to the land of red flags. The fact that we keep repeating the same scenarios shows that we haven’t — yet — learned our lesson. Otherwise, we’d make different choices and choose different types of people to partner. At a certain point, it’s important to admit that the relationship pattern isn’t a sign that there aren’t good partners to be had; it’s an indicator that we need to learn whatever it is we’re stubbornly refusing to acknowledge that would change the outcome of our relationships.

I had two big issues. One was financial. I had a hard time keeping a financial boundary, and it cost me — literally and metaphorically. I got used. I had money stolen. I was lied to about where the money was going. I had to learn to create some boundaries around my finances. I am a self-supporting single parent who pays all my bills on time. I stopped showing interest in partners who couldn’t be self-sufficient and financially stable. I couldn’t afford another relationship where I was seen as the piggy bank for an emotionally and financially immature partner.

The other issue was regarding attachment. I didn’t attach easily, but when I did, it was serious. I had a hard time leaving relationships that used to be good. I had a hard time admitting that they weren’t good anymore. It took a long time to realize that I was repeating the same pattern of choosing men who seemed emotionally mature and available but weren’t. I’ve had to learn to leave when I see the red flags so that I don’t end up in the same old relationship with a new partner.

The fact that we keep repeating the same scenarios shows that we haven’t — yet — learned our lesson.

Red Flag Results

Red flags are warning signs. They’re the indicator that we need to get out, now! Too often, we ignore them, and we do one of the things I’ve mentioned here. We might be ready to change, but until we act on that intention, we’ve still got some growing to do.

I have some confirmation that I’m in the action stage of change. The last time I was dating, I was able to recognize incompatibility and openly acknowledge it. I didn’t update a relationship status even though that offer was on the table. I admitted that I liked this person but knew that a relationship wouldn’t be the best fit. I communicated honestly, and I made the right decision. Not the easy one. Not the most comfortable one. The right one.

Later, I was talking to someone else who waved a pretty serious red flag for me. Without judgment but with full confidence I was making the right decision, I immediately disengaged. I told him it wouldn’t work for me. I was firm in my boundaries. I didn’t go meet him anyway and give chemistry a chance to develop. I didn’t continue to talk “as friends” knowing he wanted to be more. I saw the red flag, and I respected it for what it was. It was a reminder that I’ve finally learned the lessons.

Whether we’ve learned the lessons or are still learning, it’s important to recognize the signs that red flags are afoot. We need to tune in to our habits — the stories we tell around relationships, the excuses we make, and the way we either downplay or spin the truth into something more palatable. Change starts with that initial awareness. We might not be ready to take action, but simply being ready to admit what’s actually going on is a solid step in a healthy direction.

Originally published on Medium