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The plain and simple truth is that breakups are hard. There’s no magical strategy that will erase the pain. There are, however, things we can do to avoid making them harder than they need to be.

I’ve been on both sides of breakups — the one leaving and the one being left. Neither side is easy, but there are certain benefits to being the one to decide it’s over. Usually, at that point, we’ve had some time to process our feelings and decide on the next best step. Often, the one being left might suspect that it’s coming but still feel emotionally blindsided when it happens.

If I’m honest, I should have been the one to leave in my last relationship —not to leave before I was left but to leave because I was grieving the loss long before the relationship ended. Yet, I won’t regret staying. I loved as hard as I could as long as I could, and even when he drew that line in the sand, the love didn’t just disappear. I can recognize how hard it was to be the one being left, but it would not have been any easier to leave him while loving him.

I also accept that it wasn’t any easier for him to leave me. While I was consumed with my pain, he had pain of his own to manage. Breakups are hard, but some of the ways we end relationships make healing so much harder.

8 Heartbreaking Breakup Methods

I wish that some of the following breakup strategies weren’t so prevalent. I’ve been on the receiving end of a few of them, and I can honestly say that it did not make the separation any easier. Sometimes, the person who wants to end it is so consumed with making it easier on themselves that they forget that the other person is a real human being with feelings. Those feelings will be hurt, but there’s no need to add insult to injury.

The Self-Blame Method

“It’s not you; it’s me.” “You’re just too good for me.” “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now, but if I was, it would be with you.” Let’s be clear: The person saying this likely thinks it’s at least a little true. They might be projecting low self-esteem or emotional unavailability. They might even think that they should want to be with you and suspect there is something wrong with them that they don’t.

So, why is this breakup method so heartbreaking? It deflects from the very real decision to separate. Here are the more accurate versions of the self-blame method.

• It’s you, AND it’s me. We’re just not right for each other.
• You’re just not a good match for me.
• I’m not ready for a relationship with you.

The painful truth of this method is that we often see the lie soon after it’s been repeated. The person who said it’s their problem and that they aren’t ready for a relationship updates their relationship status with someone else. The truth is that the self-blame method might feel honest, but it’s often a way to carefully ease out of a relationship without hurting the other person’s feelings. Yet, because the other person knows it’s a lie, their feelings are hurt all the same.

The Cost Escalation Method

One of my absolute least favorite breakup methods of all time is the cost escalation method. This happens when someone makes the relationship infinitely more challenging in hopes we will break up with them. Guys, gals, and other gendered pals: This is how I ended up divorced.

It’s not something I suspect either. My former partner admitted it to my sister of all people. That’s how I found out that the relationship was gradually becoming worse to get me to leave so he wouldn’t be the bad guy. He got to walk away as the victim and tell that story, so I’m telling mine. I was doing everything I could to save a marriage I already knew wasn’t healthy, and he was doing everything he could to get me to be the one to take the blame when it finally crashed and burned.

This is a terrible way to leave someone. The person leaving doesn’t have to find the courage to end the relationship. They can just make it too painful for their partner to stay. It’s a cruel exit to create pain on purpose. Breakups are hard enough already.

The Withdraw + Avoid Method

Another popular and cruel breakup method is the withdraw and avoid technique. In this strategy, we distance ourselves from the other person until the intimacy dies, making it easier for one or both parties to extricate themselves from the relationship. Withdrawing when we want out of the relationship is often a natural byproduct of the decision. Avoiding the other person might be an outcome of processing those feelings, but it makes the breakup harder by signaling to the other person that something is wrong long before it’s said out loud.

It’s not the most honest way to handle a relationship’s end. It would be far more honest to talk about the problems directly as they come in and to discuss fears and doubts about the relationship. Unfortunately, most of us don’t learn the relational skills we need to communicate that honestly. Instead, we begin withdrawing in hopes that it will make the end feel like a more natural conclusion.

The De-escalation Method

The de-escalation approach is another one I dislike immensely. This particular relationship-ending method happens when we gradually withdraw from the relationship but claim that it’s temporary. As a person who had this and other methods used simultaneously on them, I cannot recommend it.

For instance, the person blames a busy work schedule for the reason they can’t spend as much time talking, texting, or being together. They might blame a family situation on any waning intimacy in the relationship. They’ll say it’s something else and that it doesn’t mean they don’t want to be in the relationship all the while they’re getting ready to end it. The withdrawal isn’t temporary, but they say that it is so that we won’t be spooked and leave before they’re ready to leave us.

The Impersonal Distance Method

The impersonal distance method is when we end relationships with a text message or social media post. This is the distance ending that doesn’t require that we look the other person in the eye when we tell them it’s over. It’s the most impersonal method, the sticky note breakup strategy of the digital age.

This method is particularly painful with longer relationships. While it’s painful enough with short ones, it’s difficult to process an abrupt end when the relationship has been established. This strategy for leaving is all about the comfort of the one exiting the relationship and neglects entirely the feelings of the person on the receiving end of the breakup text, phone call, or social media post.

The Manipulative Method

It’s hard to pick which breakup method is my least favorite, but this one is a contender. In the manipulative method, the one who wants to leave hints around about it enough that the other person ends up taking the initiative and doing it for them. This is considered a manipulation because the person who wants out doesn’t have to do the dirty work of being the one to say it’s over. They get to be the one who looks like the victim.

It’s hard enough to know that someone wants out without them also expecting us to be the ones to end it, too. This positioning of victim and villain is common in relationship endings, and it’s unkind. It’s particularly terrible when the person who has to do the leaving is the one who wants to stay or is trying to make things work.

The Ghosting Method

Most of us are familiar with the ghosting method. This breakup technique is the most cowardly. To ghost someone, we must disappear completely as though we are no longer on this planet. We leave and leave the other person haunted by our conspicuous absence and refusal to respond to messages.

This was always a terrible strategy for ending a relationship. Years before social media, my closest friend disappeared in this way. Back then, we could at least tell ourselves that some terrible tragedy occurred that kept them away from us. Now, we can look at social media and see that they’re still out there — just ignoring us completely.

In the case of abusive relationships, ghosting is self-protective. But in any other relationship configuration, it’s just cruel to leave and never say why. Ignoring and avoiding someone we were once intimate with is cowardly because we could easily respond and say we aren’t interested or don’t think it’s a good match. There are so many gentle ways to extricate ourselves from a relationship without treating the other person as if they don’t exist and complicating their healing.

The Orbiting Method

The orbiting method is close to ghosting. It’s when we nearly ghost someone but just stay enough in their orbit to keep the door open. It’s ending the intimacy of the relationship while keeping the door open in case we change our minds later. Orbiting happens all the time. It’s the person who follows our social media closely even though we don’t talk anymore. It’s not as bad as being ghosted, but it’s certainly treating the recipient of this behavior as if their feelings are less important.

When we orbit someone, we keep them on the sidelines in case one relationship doesn’t work out. We might even orbit someone we’re sort of interested in but not entirely sure about. Orbiting makes it feel like there are possibilities for later without having to commit to them or even discuss them.

The Least Painful Breakup Methods Revealed

There are two breakup methods that I believe are at least a little less painful than the others. One is the mutual ending. This is when both parties discuss the relationship and decide that it’s come to a natural conclusion.

While there can still be a pain in the separation, it’s one of the more peaceful endings. We get the chance to talk about our feelings and to discuss why the relationship can’t continue. Sometimes, it’s a matter of timing or different wants and needs. Other times, it’s an obvious compatibility issue. Still, the mutual breakup is one of the rare “good” ones.

The other breakup method that creates less pain is the one that involves open, honest communication. I prefer this one. I had someone once tell me that he wasn’t ready for a relationship only to update his relationship status with someone else shortly after. I would have much preferred him to tell me that he met and connected with someone else and couldn’t see a future with me. It would have hurt my feelings, but it hurt far more that he wasn’t honest with me about it. I would have been better prepared to see the relationship status update if he’d just been upfront about it.

Being open and honest is difficult. It takes emotional maturity on both sides to be able to say how we feel and to listen to the other person’s honest feelings in return. This is the most direct way to end a relationship. Even if the other person isn’t mature, we know we did the right thing when we end a relationship with honesty and respect rather than cowardice and manipulation.

On Breakups: A Conclusion

I don’t have a cheat code where we can opt out of the pain of a relationship ending. I wish I did. The pain is part of the process. Hopefully, we grow through it. We learn how to be better partners, and we get a clearer understanding of what it is we want and need from relationships.

It hurts, but we heal. Sometimes, we’ll be the ones leaving, and other times, we’ll hurt as we’re the ones being left behind. We get the option to be kind and to stand tall in our integrity no matter which side of the coin we find ourselves on. It might not hurt any less, but it can help to know we didn’t intentionally cause more pain either.

Originally published on Medium