True Friendship Means Being Honest with Your Friend When You Don't Like Their Partner

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“Are you sure you want to do this?” These aren’t words you want to hear while wearing a wedding dress and preparing to walk down the aisle in a room filled with friends and relatives. The timing wasn’t just spectacularly inappropriate. It was also too little, too late.

Timing is part of the reason I didn’t listen to that hesitant voice of concern. The other factor is that I didn’t have the kind of relationship with that person to trust their instincts about my relationship. We didn’t have the closeness for that conversation, but there had also been years of criticism of anyone I dated, which made it even harder to hear on the day I was getting married. Furthermore, the person wasn’t exactly a model of healthy relationships herself.

While I might not have been ready or willing to hear the concerns of the people who loved me, I do strongly feel like they should have been voiced long before I purchased a wedding gown. I walked down the aisle, and it likely comes as a surprise to no one that I am divorced now.

Many people are hesitant to tell loved ones their true feelings.

Especially when it comes to their problematic relationships. We want to mind our own business, let people live their own lives, and make their own decisions (and mistakes). But a good friend should tell the truth, not just hype up the mediocre or toxic partner because it’s what their friend wants to hear.

At the beginning of one relationship, I took my then-date to meet my good friends. I wasn’t yet sure about him, and I wanted their opinion. Yes, I was infatuated, but I was also hesitant to proceed. They lied to my face and said he was a great match — only to later admit they thought he was the worst. By that time, he had stolen my money, run up my credit card debt, and ghosted me.

The thing is, I asked for their advice. I wanted their honest feedback. After that experience, I never trusted them again. That relationship ended up being emotionally abusive in addition to being financially devastating. While I made the choice and can take full responsibility for it, I won’t forget that my friends failed to be honest when it mattered most.

Friends don’t let friends date jerks — without saying so.

I accept that I cannot make anyone listen to me. My relationship history isn’t so great that I serve as a stellar example of good decision-making. However, I make it a point to be honest with my friends about their relationships. I might not know their relationship as intimately as they do, but I do know how to recognize toxic behavior and relationship red flags. If I have concerns, I voice them. If my friends choose to ignore those concerns, I still support them.

I know that I’ve done my due diligence to speak up and be honest about my worries. I can’t control what other people do, but I can be a good enough friend to speak up when someone isn’t being good to my loved one. It’s never an easy conversation, but it’s a necessary one.

There are good and bad ways to approach this conversation.

I don’t recommend waiting until a friend is about to get married to admit we never liked their partner in the first place. That’s terrible timing all around.

Timing matters. We need to make sure we approach the conversation gently. They likely have some love or attachment to this person and simply criticizing them isn’t enough to break that. Voicing our concern should be centered around our loved one’s happiness and well-being.

I usually advise against giving unsolicited advice to anyone. In this case, we’re not offering advice at all. Instead, we’re voicing our concerns. The best way to speak up isn’t to run down the other person. It’s far more effective to point out the behaviors we’re seeing that seem problematic. We’re not telling our loved ones what they should do about it. We’re simply highlighting an issue that they may want to pay attention to should they continue in the relationship.

When confronted, our friends will probably have excuses.

I was a champion excuse-maker for every toxic person I dated. I could spin any number of reasons for why they did the thing they shouldn’t have done.

• He was rude to you? Oh, he just had a tough day at work and didn’t mean what he said.
• He never contributes financially? He definitely will when he can because we’re equal partners in this even though I’m paying most of the bills.
• He seems controlling any time we talk on the phone? He just wants to spend time with me and feels left out.
• He doesn’t say he loves me anymore? He’s just going through some things. He shows his love even if he can’t say it. It’s fine.
• He made a mean joke at my expense? It’s totally okay. I get his dark and quirky sense of humor. It was all in good fun.

Part of pointing out the problematic behavior might involve pointing out how many excuses our friend has to make to justify it. We shouldn’t need a laundry list of excuses in a healthy relationship because we should be capable of holding our partners accountable for their actions. They might not see the pattern, but that’s all the more reason to draw attention to it.

We also have to build trust with our friends so that they know we’re only thinking of their happiness. It’s not about if we see what they see in their partner. It’s about looking for signs of potential abuse or mistreatment and speaking up about it. I may not find someone’s partner attractive or interesting, but those aren’t valid reasons for expressing concern. If their partner doesn’t pull their weight in the relationship, that’s a valid reason to question the dynamic. If they tend to have unmanaged anger issues, that’s another good reason to speak up and ask questions.

It’s important to allow people to be human and make mistakes — not just our friends but their partners, too. Beyond that, we can’t control anyone else, and we have to accept that speaking up is the most we can ever do when we feel uncomfortable with someone’s choice. In the end, we may have to stand by and let them make that mistake — and be there for them when they later deal with the consequences (without saying “I told you so”).

It’s possible to lose a friend because we spoke up.

That’s a risk we might have to take to be a good friend. It’s painful, but it happens.

I had a friend whose partner cheated and left the relationship for a time. During that separation, I fully supported my friend’s choices. If she wanted to try to make the relationship work and forgive him, I was supportive. If she wanted to leave and get divorced, I supported that, too. I was on her side, and I listened, but I didn’t make that decision for her.

Later, after they got back together, I was seen as the bad guy for being supportive of my friend during the separation. Her husband acted like I had done something wrong — even though he continued to refuse to take responsibility for his infidelity. Slowly, my friend sided with her husband. Even though I equally supported her choice to reunite with him, they both chose to focus on my support of her getting a divorce — should she have chosen that route. It was a heartbreaking experience to lose a good friend, but I have peace knowing that my support was not conditional on her decision.

I don’t regret speaking up, and I have been honest with my friends about their relationships — particularly when asked for input and advice. I don’t have to understand why someone chooses their partner to be a supportive friend, but being a good friend requires advocating for my friend’s well-being when their decision-making is questionable.

I would rather hear the ugly truth than a supportive lie.

I don’t want to be knee-deep into a toxic relationship before everyone around me admits they saw it coming a mile away. I want my friends to like whoever I happen to date and for that person to be a valuable part of our social group. I trust my friends enough to know that when they express concern, they are doing it for my benefit, not to hurt me.

Sometimes, friends just aren’t ready to face the truth. That’s okay. We can be supportive of them without being dishonest about their relationship. The truth is that some people will have toxic relationships for a lifetime — and we might have to resign ourselves to being the listening ear to a situation our friend isn’t ready or willing to change. We can still be a good, honest friend even if this happens.

I’m not joking about the casual panel interview for my next partner.

I want my friends to like whoever I date, and I want to know if they see a problem I’m overlooking. It’s not about seeking validation or outside approval. It’s about trusting myself to make good decisions while equally trusting my friends to look out for me if there’s something I’m missing. Plus, healthy partners will often mesh well with our friend groups, which provides another green flag in their favor.

All my friends now are unfailingly honest. They aren’t going to wait until I’m putting on a wedding gown before telling me that someone isn’t a good fit. They have lots of opinions, and I’ve developed enough wisdom to listen to the people I love when they have concerns about my well-being.

Originally published on Medium