Exposing Covert Female Narcissists

Female NarcissistPhoto byTengyart

(This article contains affiliate links benefiting author.)

Female narcissists can be harder to spot; first, because they’re less numerous, and second, because their behavior may be less assertive and public compared to male narcissists. Male narcissists outnumber female narcissists nearly three to one. However, narcissistic personality disorder is on the rise in women, as is narcissism in general.[i]

Males are usually encouraged to be more confident, decisive, forceful, pushy, and self-assured. Due to cultural biases, male narcissists are bolder than their female counterparts and more likely to strive for wealth, power, and success in their work.

The distrustful male child, in reaction to emotional abandonment and humiliation by his parents, determines that self-sufficiency is the highest goal: “I will need nothing from anyone.” As adults, they get what they want through influence and money without needing to be in the humiliating position of asking for help or being indebted or dependent on anyone who might hurt or control them. Research also indicates that men are more likely than women to exploit others and feel self-entitled.[ii]

Covert, Vulnerable Narcissism

While both genders are equally exhibitionistic, entitled, antagonistic, and self-absorbed, recent research shows that men are more likely to be grandiose narcissists and women introverted, vulnerable narcissists with lower self-esteem. Vulnerable narcissism can resemble borderline personality disorder, which may cause women to be misdiagnosed with BPD rather than NPD. Female narcissists may also be caregiving, covert or communal narcissists, or compensatory narcissists who see themselves as playing the leading role. For example, she may behave like the has-been star Norma Desmond in the movie and play, Sunset Boulevard, singing, “With One Look.” These types better align with traits considered less offensive and more natural to women. Hence, they’re often overlooked or excused.

Surprisingly, female narcissists ranked higher in sexual and physical abuse than men, who relied more on psychological abuse. [iii] Rage when they don’t get what they want, which is associated with violence, is also a reflection of how dependent they are on others to bolster their low self-esteem. Women are not always the victim in abusive relationships. They may play that victim and falsely accuse their partner of a physical or sexual assault on themselves or their children and alienate them from their father. They exploit their motherhood to gain leverage with the police. Overall, however, given the greater number of male narcissists, there are more violent male narcissists.

Narcissistic women generally focus more on their appearance. They might dress provocatively and have exaggerated confidence in their looks or talents. They may insist on designer clothes, the best dermatologist, hairdresser, and perhaps plastic surgeon. They enjoy selfies, being professionally photographed, and spend an inordinate amount of time on hair, make-up, and clothes. More than males, female narcissists express entitlement by believing, “I deserve the best, and you owe me.” One wife expected her husband to draw her bath at a precise temperature, take her only to five-star restaurants, and have his car stocked with anything she might need. He felt whatever he did was not right or enough. Because of their unrealistic, selfish expectations, these women may complain like martyred victims. (“It’s always my fault,” or “I can’t do anything right.”)

Both male and female narcissists employ forms of seduction such as flattery and flirtation, which allow them to attract a partner while retaining control. More often men give gifts and women dress provocatively.

Psychopathic Women

A “psychopath” is someone callous, unemotional, and morally depraved. It is not a clinical diagnosis and may include narcissism and sociopathy. A new study examining emotional detachment, selfishness, and uncaring and manipulative behavior revealed that psychopathology (iv) in women may be up to five times more common than formerly believed, suggesting a more balanced 1.2-to-1 ratio of men to women. Previous studies focused primarily on incarcerated criminals and male profiles. These traits are not only associated with violent crimes, but appear in the workplace as greed, untruthfulness, and ruthlessness. Due to cultural and gender bias, their aggression may be dismissed because it’s more subtle and manipulative employing deceit and sexually seductive behavior to achieve their goals.

Learn how to avoid dating a narcissist and how to use Strategic Transactional Communication to change the power dynamics in an abusive relationship. This will restore your autonomy and raise your self-esteem. Follow the steps and scripts in Dating, Loving, and Leaving a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Improving or Leaving Narcissistic and Abusive Relationships. You’ll be empowered to evaluate and improve your relationship or leave if you choose. Don’t wait! An abuser (or controller) won’t change until you do, and the relationship won’t improve until you get stronger.

© Darlene Lancer 2024

[i] Walsh, S. (2010, June 28). 20 identifiable traits of a female narcissist. Brainsyntax.
[ii] University at Buffalo. (2015, March 4). Men tend to be more narcissistic than women, study finds. ScienceDaily.
[iii] https://www.psypost.org/female-narcissism-and-domestic-abuse-new-psychology-research-reveals-dangerous-tendencies/
[iv] https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/feb/26/more-women-may-be-psychopaths-than-previously-thought-says-expert