Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Reagan’ on VOD, a Biopic Starring Dennis Quaid as an Untouchable, Godlike Ronald Reagan

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We may have hit the bottom of the biopic barrel with Reagan ( now streaming on VOD services like Amazon Prime Video ), a super-strange megaclunker that plays like a budget-strapped faith-based movie that’s trying real hard not to be so damn faith-based. Dennis Quaid Gumbies up his hair and smiles big and crooked to play Ronald Reagan, who, per this film, was a perfect human being except for that Iran-Contra whoopsie-daisy – and devotees of the Gipper/Ol’ Dutch/the Great Communicator will applaud with glee at how the guy single-handedly kicked communism to the curb, while the rest of us watch agape at all the bad wigs, weird cameos, stilted performances and the hammy direction of Sean McNamara (whose oeuvre includes Soul Surfer and sequels to Cats and Dogs , Baby Geniuses and 3 Ninjas ). In other words, this isn’t exactly Oliver Stone directing Anthony Hopkins in Nixon . Save a spot on your worst-of-the-year lists, folks.

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The Gist: We open at the Hilton Hotel, 1981. Ronald Reagan (Quaid) delivers the first of many speeches that are not only world-changing, but hilarious, entertaining and immediately charming to anyone lucky enough to hear them. Then he gets shot by a wacko on the street, and we’re cliffhung for the next hour before we return to this highly dramatic scene that in truth isn’t particularly dramatic, because we already know he doesn’t die. The opening credits consist of a brief history of the 20th century, so be ready, take notes, there may be a quiz later. Then we jump to Russia in the present day, where Viktor Petrovich (Jon Voight), a former KGB spy who followed Reagan’s actions for decades, takes us on a trip through time, narrating the life of the ex-prez in the voice of Gru from Despicable Me . First, we land in 1980, where a group of frogfaced Russians sit in a boardroom, absolutely petrified that Reagan is making their ideologies as obsolete as an outhouse. It’s worth noting that Voight, in order to play his character at a much younger age, wears a quarter-inch of makeup and Sharpied-on eyebrows. Why is this notable? Because to not notice may be an indication of encroaching blindness.

From 1980, we jump back to an unspecified mid-century date, when then-Hollywood actor Reagan literally socked commies in the face when they tried to infiltrate the unions. Then we jump back to 1922, when young “Dutch” Reagan (Tommy Ragen) asks his mom why his dad drinks so much, and then gets baptized by Kevin Sorbo. (Yes, baptized by Kevin Sorbo. That’s exactly what kind of movie this is.) The narrative finally settles down a bit as Ronnie’s marriage to actress Jane Wyman (Mena Suvari) disintegrates and he meets Nancy Davis (Penelope Ann Miller), who’s utterly awestruck upon meeting this roiling hot sack of charisma whose career has hit the skids (Bonzo was put to bed and now Ronnie’s hocking cigs and junk food in commercials) and prompted him to consider being the greatest politician in the history of America. We occasionally drop back in on Gru-voiced Voight, who tells this saga to a non-character who exists to prompt him with dialogue like, “Yes, he was a B-movie star, this is well known. But what does this have to do with losing our motherland?”

And so it goes on, as it must. Reagan was a political wrecking ball – “like politician with no party,” Voight says in Rooshin acksent. After he read a lot of books about politics and used his experience ratting on alleged communists in Hollywood to become governor of California, Ronnie became known as The Crusader. He squashed student protests and laid down the law. Divine destiny intervenes as he’s standing on his back patio with Nancy and Pat Boone, and an unidentified preacher guy prophecies Reagan’s inevitable ascendancy to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. – and in this moment Quaid’s eyes widen like he just saw a tyrannosaurus wander out of the woods and drop a deuce in the pool. It’s called a vision , my friends. He loses the presidential primary to Gerald Ford, but rebounds four years later and turns Jimmy Carter into a whimpering bag of sadness. PROPHECY FULFILLED. Reagan then began judging others’ character by how they eat jelly beans, and life for all the people of the world got better forever and never changed, amen.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: And you thought Bohemian Rhapsody was the nadir of celebrity biopics.

Performance Worth Watching: …and with a special cameo appearance by Creed singer Scott Stapp as Frank Sinatra!

Memorable Dialogue: “Please tell me you’re Republicans,” Reagan says to the OR staff as he’s about to undergo surgery after being shot – and all the doctors and nurses and orderlies laugh heartily. The guy shoulda been a stand-up comic.

Sex and Skin: None. I’m pretty sure Ronald Reagan never had sex.

Our Take: We could debate Reagan’s politics and spin our wheels for hours and end up bored and frustrated, or we could point out how Reagan is a laughable mess, with nutty OTT playing-to-the-back-row performances and a script that plays like someone took a highlighter to the guy’s Wikipedia page and filmed those scenes. A triumphant and cheezy-emotional soft-brass score underlines a collection of unconvincing scenes of Reagan being strong and Reagan being motivated and Reagan being tough and Reagan being funny and Reagan being assertive, and yes, the repetition will grind you nigh to dust. Weirdly, there are very few scenes of Reagan being an actual human being. He’s written and portrayed as an untouchable icon worthy of genuflection. Objective criticism is heretical. Watch this movie with anything but reverence and you will face the consequences. Hell awaits thee, obviously.

This is an incredibly boring and disingenuous way to make a movie. Not that biopics need to be the strictest of journalism – we should all subscribe to the theory that a movie camera placed in front of a scene inevitably warps perception of that scene. But Reagan is phony down to its composite atoms, having reduced the man’s life down to moments of intense melodrama and applause-worthy grandstanding. Are we supposed to giggle at the ham-fisted manner in which McManus stages a shot of the nuclear launch codes, or repeatedly returns to rooms full of Russian pinkos quaking in their boots at Ronnie’s unbeatable tough-guy political maneuvers? It’s safe to say we’re not.

Ultimately, Reagan is an insubstantive Greatest Hits compendium LP existing to spin, spin, spin positive, no matter what. And it looks as phony as it sounds, with chintzy visual effects, cruddy makeup and a flattened visual palette that resembles a flipbook of polaroids and postcards, nostalgically ’member-berrying the life of a guy that the movie wants so very much to be universally beloved. And the more it insists through grinning, clenched teeth that this is true, the less convincing it is.

Our Call: Even as they give it a thumbs-up, the most committed diehard Reagan devotees might admit Reagan is a bit much. The rest of us would be wise to SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

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