Supporting our children’s autonomy leads to happier, healthier children and adults

Being a parent can be the greatest thing ever — and one of the hardest. One of the harder tasks of parenting, at least for me, is figuring out the line between exerting parental control and letting our children make their own choices. Or, as a friend puts it, letting them make their own mistakes, even when we can see the train wreck coming.

There are a bazillion ways to parent (OK, slight exaggeration), from the old Dr. Spock methods to “ gentle parenting ,” free-range parenting , tiger moms , helicopter parenting and oh, so much more. It’s like that old quote: “Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.”

Here is one thing we know for sure: Being a psychologically controlling parent isn’t good for kids. A multinational group of researchers analyzed 238 studies from 50 years worth of research, across 38 countries and 126,000 people. They found that these studies repeatedly show that being a psychologically controlling parent thwarts children’s abilities to be curious and to feel safe, while increasing the likelihood of anger, defiance, aggression, depression and anxiety.

By contrast, parenting that supports a child’s autonomy, within safe boundaries, is more likely to lead to emotionally healthy children who learn to make decisions for themselves, a skill that is crucial to the development of the executive functioning needed as an adult. Also interesting is that the findings hold across the different cultures and backgrounds within the data set.

A psychologically controlling parent will try to control his or her child through shame, guilt, coercion or harsh punishment and will withdraw affection or make affection contingent on the child acting a certain way. As a result, the child feels pressured to act in the way they think will best earn them a parent’s approval. They become less able to self-regulate; have trouble with time management, concentration and the ability to process information; and develop a poor sense of self.

In contrast, a parent who supports a child’s autonomy in age-appropriate ways will provide that child with informative feedback, allow for meaningful choices, encourage children to have input into decision-making, provide opportunities for the child to explore new ideas and opportunities, and define and enforce limits, providing a rationale for those limits. Children with parents who support autonomy are more persistent at problem-solving, do better in school and with their peers and can strengthen their ability to feel close to others.

Another recent study looking specifically at “emerging adults” — those in their late teens and early 20s — found that they will appreciate their parents’ unsolicited advice if the parent is supportive of their teens’ autonomy. In other words, if you want your kids to listen to your advice, you have to lay the groundwork ahead of time by being supportive of their ability to make choices within healthy guidelines and also participate with them in activities they like to do.

“These parents consistently acknowledge and validate their child’s feelings, and encourage and support their exploration of different interests as they figure out who they are and what they’ll do with their lives,” said Elizabeth Davis, a UCR psychology researcher and the senior author of the study, published in December in the journal Emerging Adulthood.

Davis also said statements like “because I said so” (minus context), “get over it” and “it’s not a big deal” are the stances that will cause your child to tune you out in the face of unsolicited advice.

So how does a parent provide healthy autonomy, especially if it doesn’t come naturally? Clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn wrote “Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children” to give busy parents a framework for supporting their children’s autonomy. Edlynn writes, “When we stop doing so much for our children, when we can step back and evaluate where we are robbing them of opportunities to build skills while adding unnecessary stress to our to-do lists, we are building healthier and more sustainable family lives now, with the bonus of more prepared, independent adults for the future. It’s actually science. And common sense.”

Autonomy in child-rearing does not exist in a vacuum, either, but is part of a trifecta necessary for becoming a healthy, functioning adult. As human beings, we need autonomy, competence and relatedness (feeling like we belong). These hold true whether we are a toddler, a teen or a parent.

It doesn’t mean it’s easy. Just yesterday, the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murphy, issued a Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents. Lois Collins, reporting on the advisory for the Deseret News, writes that Murphy found in his conversations with parents and caregivers that parental guilt and shame have become pervasive, but parents often hide their struggles, “which perpetuates a vicious cycle where stress leads to guilt which leads to more stress.”

I had times when I snapped, “Because I said so” at my children — usually after 25 rounds of them asking “why.” Sometimes, it was just more efficient to be the controlling parent. But, like most parents, I also keep trying to get better in an ever-changing world.

Edlynn also writes, “We all parent on a continuum between controlling and autonomy supportive that shifts based on stress levels, life events, and or children’s mood and behavior.” She says it’s helpful to look at our parenting through the growth-mindset lens, one where we do our best to practice autonomy-supportive parenting every day.