‘Vacation’ grandma or ‘everyday’ grandma?

This Sunday is Grandparents’ Day, and this year is the first time I do not have a living grandparent to recognize and celebrate. When I attended my grandmother’s memorial service earlier this year, I spoke as the oldest grandchild. I have memories of visiting my grandmother in her home and garden and I have memories of her coming to visit us, especially during the three years that we lived in France. After I finished speaking, one of my cousins spoke and said that while my grandmother was a “vacation grandma” for me, she was an “everyday grandma” for her.

In fact, both sets of my grandparents were “vacation grandparents,” as my father was active-duty Air Force and we moved around a lot. My grandparents (OK, my grandmothers) sent birthday cards with $2 bills and Christmas gifts each year, but we didn’t see them very often. Sometimes, several years would go by between visits. For my cousin who literally lived next door to my grandmother, having an “everyday grandma” meant that she had a grandmother who went to school performances and took them to the park. And who, on occasion, would mete out discipline.

I’m still thinking about different kinds of grandparents because I, too, am both a “vacation grandma” and “everyday grandma.” I’m also part of the almost 3 million grandparents in the United States raising a grandchild.

Here are some interesting stats: Of the 70 million grandparents in the United States, 80% say that living close to their grandchildren is very important to them. However, AARP research also shows that more than half of grandparents have at least one grandchild who lives more than 200 miles away, and roughly a third live more than 50 miles from their closest grandchild. In other words, there are lots of grandparents who are “vacation grandparents.”

I did a quick Google search for staying close to grandchildren who live far away, and to my surprise there were multiple results for “I’m the left out grandma” and “Grieving grandma feels unappreciated” and “How to deal with the other grandparents.” If that’s you, I’m sorry. I have no idea if my parents felt sad that we had “vacation” grandparents while many of our cousins had “everyday” grandparents, but I know that as the grandchild, I did not feel overlooked or left out. As a grandparent now, I also don’t feel like I am competing with my grandchildren’s other grandparents. Can a child have too many people who love them? I think not.

But I do know this: just as parenting needs to be intentional, so does grandparenting. Here’s a confession of mine: it was easier to be a far-away grandparent during the pandemic. I was better at sending cards at random times, sending gift boxes for Valentine’s Day and Halloween (thanks, Amazon Prime) and I even recorded myself reading storybooks and then sending those files to their parents.

Now, I’m as busy as ever with work, raising a grandchild, caring for my adult son with disabilities and my “side project” of remodeling our house. I promise, I am not sitting around in a rocking chair watching game shows. Give me 30 years ...

Just recently, my daughter asked me if I would be hosting our Richardson family Halloween party, something we did faithfully every year while we were still raising children. I hadn’t even thought of it. Now at least it’s on the calendar. Have I thought about costumes or a theme? Of course not. But we will bob for apples, do doughnuts on a string and make homemade root beer. Thank goodness for traditions.

Here’s where I’m at in my grandparenting journey right now: I’m grateful every time I see my grandkids and miss them when I don’t see them for a while. I’m consistent with birthday cards and Christmas gifts. (It’s cash, and it’s the same for all of them.) Video calls are an amazing gift for maintaining connection.

And I know I need to do better. I need to be intentional about how I connect and how often I connect. Beyond the “vacation” or “everyday” grandma, I hope my grandchildren will think of me as a grandma who loved them to the moon and back.