Perspective: Surgeon general’s dour picture of parenthood misses the mark

Fifteen years ago, after we had adopted five children, I thought my wife and I were done having children. Boy, was I wrong.

She got pregnant with twins in 2009 and, after the girls were born, I was shellshocked by the double dose of diapers, late nights and extra parenting demands — not to mention the financial fallout of the Great Recession — that hit toward the end of that year.

As I wrote in “ Get Married ,” “I navigated the first year with the twins with difficulty. Overwhelmed with the responsibilities of fatherhood, I was often distracted, snappish, and unhappy. I was less affectionate and less emotionally present as a husband. Not surprisingly, there was plenty of bickering, long silences, and sober stares between Danielle and me. My happiness — and our marital quality — took a definite dip that year.”

My experience in that chapter of my life dovetails with some aspects of Surgeon General Vivek Murthy’s new advisory on parental stress , which is getting a lot of attention and for good reason: Many parents can relate to its argument that parenting today seems more stressful than ever and that some things need to change to make raising a family easier. In his report, Murthy rightly recognizes the “sacred work” of parenthood and acknowledges that it matters not only to individuals but all of society. He also notes that the well-being of parents is linked to children’s mental health, and that we need to do more as a society to support parents.

Among the most sobering findings in the advisory:

• Parents are under a lot of pressure: 33% of parents say they are stressed most days, versus 20% of non-parents. Even more disturbing, 48% percent of parents report that “most days their stress is completely overwhelming” compared to 26% of other adults.
• Almost 70% of parents say raising children today is harder than it was two decades ago, and they cite children’s social media and technology use as the top two reasons for this. In fact, 70% of parents worry that their child will be exposed to explicit content online.

As parents, my co-authors Wendy Wang, Alysse ElHage and I agree with the surgeon general that parental stress can be a major problem, and that smartphones and social media have made our jobs as parents more difficult (and worrisome) than in the past. And while we also think he is right to stress the need for measures to rein in Big Tech in teens’ lives, we doubt that his laundry list of nanny-state solutions — from more spending on government programs to new “school-based support programs” for parents — are likely to be of much help to today’s moms and dads.

But more importantly, there is a very real danger that his advisory, and the media attention devoted to it, could leave young adults considering having a family one day with the wrong impression that raising children involves more worry than joy. The surgeon general describes parenthood not only in terms of “heightened stressors” but also as a state of life marked by “isolation and loneliness,” “financial strain,” “time demands” and a greater “risk of mental health conditions.” At the same time, Murthy conveys virtually nothing, and certainly no research, about the many up sides to being a mother and father today.

The report ends up painting a dark and dour portrait of parenthood that runs the risk of catastrophizing family life, adding to our culture’s already-negative view of having kids . As Rachel Cohen pointed out in a Vox article about millennials who “dread motherhood,” many of today’s young adults, especially young women, seem to believe that parenthood is mainly an “exhausting” and “thankless” life. With seemingly cherry-picked facts stressing the downsides of parenthood, Murthy’s advisory pours social scientific gasoline on the fears and concerns young adults already have about having children.

But as most moms and dads will testify, despite the difficulties of raising children and the stresses that come with the job, parenthood gives back much more than it takes.

Here are three important points about parenthood the surgeon general’s advisory misses.

Yes, parenting is stressful, and there are days and seasons in every parent’s life that feel more overwhelming than others. But parenting also fills our lives with great meaning and purpose. The surgeon general acknowledges as much at the beginning of his report, when he notes that: “Being a dad is the toughest and most rewarding job I’ve ever had.” But he fails to mention research by psychologist Paul Bloom informing us that a measure of meaningful stress is actually good for us.

“When you ask people about their life’s meaning and purpose, parents say that their lives have more meaning than those of nonparents,” notes Bloom, adding, “A study by the social psychologist Roy Baumeister and his colleagues found that the more time people spent taking care of children, the more meaningful they said their life was.”

In fact, a 2023 Pew Research Center survey found that 80% of parents describe being a parent as enjoyable and rewarding. And 87% said parenthood was an “important aspect to who they are as a person.” All this helps make sense of survey evidence showing that parents report more meaning in their lives than childless adults.

These findings help explain why most parents tend to be less lonely and happier over the long term than non-parents, despite the stresses involved in raising children. Yes, parenthood is lonely at times and can be more isolating for some parents than others, especially single parents and young mothers. But generally speaking, the surgeon general is wrong to argue “loneliness” is a key feature of parenthood. Today, a majority of childless adults (59%) report they are lonely some, most or all of the time, compared to a minority (45%) of parents.

Moreover, because parenthood injects our lives with purpose and countless opportunities to both care and be cared for by others, parents actually tend to report being happier and more satisfied with their lives than childless adults. One survey found that 82% of parents aged 18-55 were very or pretty happy with their lives compared to just 68% of childless adults aged 18-55.

Finally, it is important to note that certain groups of parents, especially those who accord more meaning to the job of parenting and enjoy more social support, are more likely to be flourishing than others. This includes married parents who have a partner to share the financial, mental and emotional load of raising kids. In fact, married mothers and fathers aged 18-55 are markedly happier than any other demographic group, including unmarried parents, childless adults, and married men and women who don’t have kids, according to the 2022 General Social Survey . Moreover, the list of parents who are generally happier than their fellow Americans also includes religious and conservative parents.

Why are religious parents happier? The rituals and religious teachings found in America’s churches, synagogues, mosques and other houses of worship endow parenthood — and the sacrifices required of mothers and fathers — with sacred significance . Religious communities also offer parents support they need to survive and thrive — from emergency rental assistance and date nights for couples, to church youth groups that help teens and parents navigate school and life more successfully. Religious parents are also more likely to be happily and stably married . More meaning, greater social support and higher-quality marriages add up to happier parents. According to the 2022 General Social Survey, 35% of religious parents are very happy with their lives, compared to 27% of parents who rarely or never attend religious services.

As for parents who are ideologically conservative, previous research has shown that conservatives are more likely to be married and religious, which helps to explain a general happiness advantage conservatives have over liberals. And when it comes to parenting in particular, today’s conservatives are more “likely to effectively discipline their children” compared to liberals, according to Gallup economist Jonathan Rothwell. Consequently, according to his research, they end up enjoying “higher quality relationships with their children, characterized by fewer arguments, more warmth, and a stronger bond, according to both parent and child reporting.”

All this helps explain why conservative parents are also more likely to report they are very happy with their lives: 33% of conservative parents say they are very happy with their lives, compared to 22% of liberal parents. Indeed, the fact that married, religious and conservative parents are doing relatively better off as parents than other mothers and fathers suggests the surgeon general’s laundry list of solutions is not likely to be helpful to most parents in the real world. What parents need are stronger family and civic ties, not the tutelary ministrations of big government.

While we readily admit parenting has its ups and downs, we would not trade being parents for a less chaotic, childfree life. Yes, raising children is difficult at times, and depending on the particular child, level of support and family circumstances, it can clearly be harder for some moms and dads than others. But what Murthy overlooks in his report is that parenthood is a worthwhile endeavor with positive outcomes that typically far outweigh the negatives, and that is the message we need to make sure that young people understand, even as we try to make it easier to raise a family.

Speaking of raising a family, those twins I struggled with as babies are now teens. And, after that first year, they became much easier to care for, in part because they were great at entertaining and playing with one another. The challenge of caring for them also became more bearable after my in-laws moved to Charlottesville to lend a hand and church friends rallied behind us in their early years.

In fact, as I reported in “Get Married,” last fall “the twins delivered homemade ice cream to one set of older neighbors and homemade cookies to another set, bringing untold joy to the neighborhood and pride to their parents. And every night, one twin tracks me down wherever I am in the house and gives me a kiss goodnight before heading off to bed. Needless to say, the twins have brought a big boost to my own sense of meaning and happiness with life.”

Judging by the science, we’d say there are many such cases.

Brad Wilcox (@BradWilcoxIFS), professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and senior fellow at the Institute for Family Studies, is the author of “Get Married: Why Americans Must Defy the Elites, Forge Strong Families, and Save Civilization.” Alysse ElHage is editor of Family Studies ( www.family-studies.org ). Wendy Wang is director of research at the Institute for Family Studies.