Perspective: Is infidelity a form of abuse?

“Leave a cheater, gain a life” is the mantra of cartoonist Tracy Schorn, who has created a blog and an internet community around the idea that marital infidelity is a form of abuse, as a recent article in The New York Times put it.

Infidelity is, according to Schorn, solely the fault of the cheater. And she takes a dim view of therapeutic interventions, which she calls the “reconciliation industrial complex.” In her view, trying to save a marriage by asking the person who has been cheated on (“the chump,” in Schorn’s parlance) to make changes is only exacerbating the problem.

It may come as a surprise to find a story in the Times’ “Style” section on Schorn’s growing fanbase and her quaint ideas about infidelity. Do modern readers care about the issues addressed by the self-described “Chump Lady”?

After all, recent years have seen an endless stream of features about the end of the nuclear family and the joys of polyamory. Writers like psychotherapist Esther Perel have argued that monogamy is an outdated concept in an age when human lifespans exceed 80 years. Why would we want to be with the same partner the whole time? In this view, we have evolved both individually and as a species. It’s natural to want to expand our horizons. People who stick to these old-fashioned ideas about fidelity are just holding back social progress.

And it’s not just elite media sources like The New Yorker and The Atlantic highlighting these unorthodox relationships. Earlier this year, the “Today” show featured a story called “Mom + dad + mom + dad = One big, happy family. Meet the parents practicing ‘polyfamory.’”

As one of the parents explained: “Our kids already knew we were dating Sean and Taya. … We told them: ‘You know mom has a boyfriend and dad had a girlfriend and we’re going to move in together, and we’re all going to be a big family and they’re going to help parent you, so we’re going to need you to treat them like you treat us — like parents.’”

Indeed, some authors have argued that having more “support” from other adults in these relationships is better for kids than an actual nuclear family, all evidence to the contrary.

But many Americans are not buying it. Most women don’t want to be polyamorous or in a series of short-term, low-commitment relationships. Of course, it’s not cool in modern culture to say that out loud. But you can still tell a pollster. According to a 2022 Gallup poll, almost 90% of Americans believe that marital infidelity is morally wrong.

Women are much more likely to judge infidelity harshly than men. According to research by the Survey Center on American Life, 70% of women say that it is always wrong when a married man has an affair. And the younger you are, the more likely you are to believe that. Almost three-quarters of young women say it is always morally wrong for a man to have an affair, while 69% of older women agree.

Does experience mean you have more nuanced views of such matters? Maybe, but one might argue that as the rate of marriage decreases, people’s views of infidelity grow more severe. If no one is forcing you to get married, what excuse do you have for cheating? Why not just get a divorce instead of engaging in deceit?

But the more educated you are, the less likely you are to believe this. Seventy-five percent of women who have a high school education or less agree that a man cheating is wrong, compared to only 58% of women with a postgraduate degree. This is what happens when you read too much of The New Yorker.

In defense of the idea that infidelity is a form of abuse, Schorn told the Times that “We readily understand a punch in the face as transgressive. We do not recognize infidelity as transgressive. That’s the narrative I’m trying to change.” As the Times notes, “To her, the potentially traumatic effects of cheating are no different from those of gaslighting, lying and manipulation, simply because cheating involves all of those betrayals.”

Schorn is not particularly conservative or religious and she is critical of both religious and secular institutions for pushing women to save marriages after infidelity has occurred — a stance that might destroy families that might otherwise be saved. But she is holding a line on an issue that women support but are being pressured by the culture to abandon.

Since the advent of feminism, women have been torn between the idea of empowerment found in sexual freedom and the empowerment found in a marriage of equals who respect each other. The appeal of the former, though, has always been less popular than that of the latter. No matter how much our elites try to spin it.

Naomi Schaefer Riley is a senior fellow at the American Enterprise Institute, a Deseret News contributor and the author of “ No Way to Treat a Child: How the Foster Care System, Family Courts, and Racial Activists Are Wrecking Young Lives ,” among other books.