Opinion: The ‘Secret Lives of Mormon Wives’ does not represent me

In 1870 — a time of general misunderstanding about members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and their beliefs — a group of Latter-day Saint women in Utah called a press conference and addressed newspaper reporters from across the country.

“It was high time (to) rise up in the dignity of our calling and speak for ourselves,” said Eliza R. Snow, an early Latter-day Saint leader.

“The world does not know us,” she said, adding that truth and justice “demand us to speak.” Then Snow added, “We are not inferior to the ladies of the world, and we do not want to appear so.”

Reporters in attendance called the meeting remarkable. “In logic and in rhetoric the so-called degraded ladies of Mormondom are quite equal to the … women of the East,” wrote one reporter.

As a descendant of these strong women and after reading articles published in The New Yorker and the London Times this weekend about women in my faith — based on eight women’s TikTok accounts and a Hulu series that features them — I also feel compelled to speak out.

I spent almost three decades of my life writing about Latter-day Saints. I traveled to more than 40 countries meeting with members of the faith in large and small gatherings and had one-on-one conversations with hundreds and hundreds of women — both young and old. Those conversations were not about cosmetic procedures, gossip or complaints, they were about overcoming heartache, balancing career and family, the challenges of motherhood, losing loved ones and even (ironically) the destructive influence of media.

The recent portrayals of the women in my faith do not come close to representing me or the millions of active, participating Latter-day Saint women I have met across the globe — including my three daughters who are all in their early 20s.

I have walked with a Latter-day Saint woman across refugee camps in northern Iraq, listened as another mourned with her friends following a major tsunami in Japan, and watched another serve refugees flowing into England. I have seen women speak to thousands — including at the United Nations and the European Union Parliament — and engage in one-on-one ministries.

I have never met a Latter-day Saint swinger — not one — or even a “soft swinger.” I also have no experience with, as the London Times wrote, my faith being one that “often works to keep women in their place.” And I have not seen a mass exodus of young people from my religion; in fact, evidence shows just the opposite.

Young people are more committed to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints now than at any other time in history.

To accommodate rising numbers of young Latter-day Saint missionaries (now at more than 72,000 young men and women in their late teens and early 20s), the Church of Jesus Christ opened 36 new missions on July 1. This puts the total number of missions at 450 — the highest number in church history.

These missionaries — including two of my own daughters — serve for as long as two years at their own expense in locations they do not choose.

My oldest daughter, assigned to a mission in Honduras at age 19, was asked to coordinate medical training, medical appointments, and all medical documentation for 70 of her fellow missionaries.

Quickly she became acquainted with all the local medical providers and learned medical-related Spanish terms. She started preventative health education that was implemented at monthly regional trainings. Her position became especially influential when the country had a dengue outbreak and she helped coordinate a response.

She didn’t return to a faith that “puts her in her place,” but to a faith that values her as a strong woman — with a new language, as well as empathy, compassion, independence and faith.

Her sister learned similar skills while serving in Ohio and then Brazil during the COVID 19 pandemic — leading social media efforts in both locations at a time when limits to in-person teaching made online interactions essential.

After returning home and attending Brigham Young University — located in the same valley where the Hulu series is filmed — one of my daughters led her congregation’s chapter of the Relief Society, the church’s women’s organization, and the other worked one night each week — with other men and women of all ages — in a Latter-day Saint temple, helping hundreds of faithful members complete sacred ordinances.

One can argue that the Hulu series is simply entertainment, something not to be taken seriously. But to ignore every bit of reality on “Reality TV” — especially related to something as sacred as the faith of millions of people — is hurtful, unfair, unkind and mischaracterizes what it means to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I have been fortified by the Latter-day Saint women I worship with. Some have chosen to stay home with children, some — like me — work, some have never married or do not have children. Each brings her unique experiences to our shared faith; we strengthen one another. We look to our temples for direction and peace. Most of us are active on social media, we laugh together, and on bad days — and we all have them — we support one another.

One of the basic tenets of my faith is free agency and choice. The belief and the ability to act for oneself is the very core of our most sacred doctrine.

So, with millions of Latter-day Saints across the globe, I will defend the right of women to share their voice on TikTok — or any other social media site. I will defend the right of Hulu or others to create a show featuring their narrative. I will even defend their right to share images of the Latter-day Saint temples I hold sacred to promote the lives of eight women profiting on their outrageous behavior — even though it is hurtful to me, a woman of faith.

But “truth and justice” also demand I speak.

The “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” is not a representation of me or my friends or my daughters or their friends or of the women I have met across the globe.

It simply is not.

My invitation and plea to any media writing about these women is simple. There are millions of Latter-day Saint women who live their faith differently than these outliers being promoted online. They are smart, educated, funny and content. Find them, talk to them and tell their stories. You will be amazed. Like me and my daughters, they have been empowered by their faith.