5 Golden Rules for Dealing with Narcissism

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Charming, eloquent and extroverted: people with narcissistic traits can be very attractive. Until you discover that they take up a lot of space. How do you deal with that?

Carry them on your hands, talk to them and never confront them, because woe betide anyone who brings the wrath of a narcissist upon themselves. That, in short, is the manual for dealing with narcissistic people.

To the frustration of many people who have suffered injuries in a relationship with a narcissistic partner, parent or boss; after all, they have already adapted enough to the needs of the other. It helps to realize that you can hardly change a narcissistic personality structure.

If only because narcissists believe by definition that it can never be their fault – that is precisely one of the lines of defense with which they maintain their fragile self-image.

It also helps to realize that behind narcissism there is always trauma. Narcissism often starts with a childhood full of neglect, or with a suffocating amount of attention from the parent, says psychologist Martin Appelo .

Appelo, who knows he has narcissistic traits himself, lists the characteristics: 'Narcissistic personalities exaggerate their own achievements. They believe they are unique and deserve special treatment. They also take up a lot of space, literally and verbally, and lack empathy.' Someone with narcissistic traits can make you feel superior to you.

Narcissists are people you would rather avoid. Yet you often cannot avoid contact, for example if you are dealing with a narcissistic boss, (ex-)partner or a family member. How can you best deal with a narcissist ? Four experts give their tips for dealing with narcissism, without it undermining your self-esteem.

1. Spread syrup around the narcissist's mouth

Need to get something done by a narcissist? Flattery helps. 'Say: “Great plan, if you add this it will be even better,”' advises psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Ton van Strien.

'Or give the narcissist the feeling that your idea was actually his.' 'With a bit of luck,' adds psychiatrist Hjalmar van Marle, 'you can even get the narcissist to idealize you.' And then you're in luck – for the time being at least.

2. Never criticize openly

Never stand up to a narcissist in company – he will never forgive you. 'You will get the furthest behind the scenes,' Van Strien knows. 'But even there, operate so carefully that he does not get the feeling that you are trying to undermine him.'

Does dealing with narcissism mean that you constantly make yourself a little smaller? 'Well, you just try harder to see the good in someone,' says psychiatrist and psychoanalyst and coach Lili Sanders. 'And that in itself is not bad at all. It also allows you to give genuine compliments .'

But what if a narcissist comes onto your property in public and clearly spouts nonsense? 'At least say politely: “Thanks for the addition.” Then ask further questions if necessary, then his incompetence will soon be visible to everyone,' advises communication trainer Simone van Slooten, who gives courses on Lovingly Confronting. 'But never say something like: “Now I've got you.” That is fatal for the relationship.'

3. Stay vigilant

"It can be hard to escape the spell of a narcissist," says Lili Sanders. "As long as you play their game, you get to share in their greatness. But you have to realize that you can be discarded that way."

Therefore, consider carefully what your interest in this collaboration is and what you can do to better deal with narcissism, advises Hjalmar van Marle.

'So you become a bit narcissistic yourself. You can't outdo them, but with a bit of skill you can manipulate back: "I have something you don't have, shall we do it together?"'

4. Trust your gut

It often takes a while before you realize that you are dealing with a narcissist, while in the meantime he is unknowingly undermining your self-image . 'At a certain point you realize, for example, that this person always makes you feel stupid,' says Lili Sanders.

Then carefully check with others around you how they experience this person; if they have the same experience, you may be able to shake off that nasty feeling.

If you can't do that, Simone van Slooten advises you to confront the narcissist about his behavior. Preferably in the form of an 'I-message': 'I see that this is not going well and I notice that I cannot confront you about it, do you recognize that?' The chance that it will not get through is real, says Van Slooten, 'but then at least it is clear that it is not your fault.'

5. Accept narcissists as they are

Whatever you do, give up hope that you can change a narcissist. Acceptance is a better strategy for dealing with narcissism, says Lili Sanders: 'Narcissists need to feel that they are okay the way they are; that is their problem. Accept that you are not seen, that is the only way you will get somewhere. Just keep in mind that being narcissistic is also extremely stressful for them...'