“These Tears Are So Annoying” - The Top Narcissist Strategy That Makes You Feel Bad

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And How to Resist It

Any unpleasant conversation for a person with narcissistic personality disorder has the same ending every time. You try to convey your complaint to him, knowing his character, you clothe it in the most tactful form, and he, not having time to listen to you to the end, begins to get angry, yell and cry.

Moreover, the essence of the complaint can be the most innocent. For example, you ask a narcissist to wash his plate. How will a “normal” person react?

A normal person will either agree to your request and wash the plate right away, or tactfully reply that he will do it later.

The narcissist will perceive this innocent everyday request as a personal insult. Reproaches will rain down on you, like, you are the dirty one, like, how dare you tell him to wash the plate when you know how hard it is for him now (the narcissist will always find a reason to grieve) and he definitely has no time for plates. Obviously, your request is aimed at making things even worse for him. Then, for some reason, you listen to how much good he has done for you, but you don’t remember anything. And now he is already crying. And you?

And you think:

What kind of person am I? I got this plate, I brought the man to this point where it was not necessary. And now you are washing the plate yourself and apologizing.

It is clear that the plate is just an innocent example. It is impossible to discuss truly serious problems with a narcissist, because before you can finish your sentence, he starts yelling.

Narcissus is a broken electric kettle. It boils in a second, and until all the steam comes out, it is impossible to turn it off.

Do you know such people?

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Why do they do this?

This is the pathology of personality. The wounded ego of the narcissist cannot stand criticism, anything that looks like criticism or even remotely resembles it. The narcissist interprets the slightest emotional discomfort as a personal insult from which he must defend himself.

The narcissist's defenses are usually primitive. No matter how old he is, he reacts to discomfort like a preschooler, i.e. he starts screaming and crying. It is interesting that primitive defenses work well, and we ourselves reinforce such reactions.

After all, it is easier to remain silent or agree with the narcissist than to continue to insist on your own. Primitive defense is also good because it is difficult to withstand.

We all know that it is difficult to bear a child's screams and cries for a long time; it is easier to give him what he wants so that he calms down faster. At the same time, a crying child automatically makes us feel guilty:

- I'm a bad person if I made a child cry.

The narcissist does the same thing knowing that the other person will back off. And there is no reflection that such behavior is abnormal for an adult. He, however, feels a strong resentment, the anger in him is sincere and tears flow by themselves, he is sure that you are deliberately hurting him.

Narcissism is not a psychological joke, but a real disease. Alas, healthy people have to live side by side with this pathology, and it is oh, so difficult. So difficult that you want to break through the wall with your forehead.

How to react in such a situation

It's easy to say that you shouldn't communicate with such people or distance yourself from them as much as possible. But what if the narcissist is your close relative and you'll have to communicate, but you can only distance yourself partially.

First, you need to realize whether you are ready to go into direct conflict. If you are not ready, then the only working strategy is to stop perceiving the narcissist as something adequate.

You live next to a sick person and his attacks against you are the delirium of a sick person. You are not to blame for his tears and anger. This is an attitude that you need to form in yourself.

Secondly, if you think you are ready to go into direct conflict. Go through the stage of tears and anger, do not retreat and calmly convey your position. Do not join his game. The narcissist expects that in response you will also slide into a scandal. Logically and with facts, continue to hit one point. It will seem to you that this is a pointless exercise, because he will not stop yelling and crying. Do not retreat. After several such conflicts, the narcissist will understand that the tears tactic does not work.

This does not mean that his behavior will change completely. No. But he will partly start listening to you. Here again the mechanism works: child - adult.

When a child sees that an adult does not give in to his hysterics, he begins to obey. Your task, at least partially, is to bring the narcissist to the position: adult - adult.

What is described above is theory. In practice, everything is much more complicated. It is incredibly difficult to remain calm in a conflict with a narcissist.

We must come to the realization that the guilt that arises after communicating with such a person has no basis in reality. Guilt is exactly what he wants to launch at you. Do not fall for tears and screams.

Important addition

For those who have long-term experience of communicating with a narcissist, this cannot pass without leaving a trace. He has had too much negativity on your psyche. This negativity is often difficult to comprehend. Problems in personal life, at work, with health - all this can be the consequences of communicating with a narcissist. Therefore, do not neglect the help of a psychologist.

If a narcissist is someone close to you, then do everything to distance yourself from them. Living next to them is like being near radioactive slops, it seems that you can live, you don’t notice the radiation, but your body quickly deteriorates or even turns into a mutant.

Can a mutant have a happy personal life, a favorite job and peace of mind?