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What came first? The chicken or the egg? It’s a question much like that of narcissism and gaslighting. Can one exist without the other? Every narcissistic relationship appears to contain some element of gaslighting. Why does this seem to be the preferred weapon of choice in the narcissist’s arsenal? It’s undeniable that narcissists love to gaslight their victims.

It’s the ideal tool because it helps them to accomplish their ultimate goal: control. Narcissists thrive when they have control of the narrative and control of their victims. They desire their delusions to sit in place of reality, and gaslighting helps them to achieve exactly that.

What is gaslighting? What is narcissism?

We learn more about narcissism every day. Our earliest understanding was simple. A narcissist was always a grandiose person who sucked all of the air out of the room and demanded unrealistic things. Now, we know much more. Narcissistic behaviors span across a range of manipulative and coercive approaches that destroy their victim’s sense of self.

True narcissists lack empathy, and they lack a true sense of remorse. To the narcissist, everything they do is justified — even if they are destroying someone they claim to love. They can be incredibly cruel parents, partners, and friends. All of this is made worse, of course, by their constant use of gaslighting against victims.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which one person undermines the reality of another in order to avoid accountability. This can be accomplished in a number of different ways:

• Calling someone “crazy”
• Starting nasty rumors
• Denying an event happened
• Diminishing feelings or severity

The most common tactic used in gaslighting is the “crazy” approach. When a toxic person is called out for bad behavior, they call the person who called them out “crazy.” This is meant to invalidate their claims or the needs they’re trying to address. It does a world of damage to the person called crazy, not just in the eyes of others but in their own eyes, too.

Gaslighting isn’t always a one-to-one experience. Gaslighters will also undermine their enemies to others in an effort to keep their reputations squeaky clean. Starting rumors enables them to keep control of the narrative. It would be even better if they could tell other people the event never happened at all.

Diminishment is yet another form of gaslighting and one which can force the person attacked to deny themselves. Their feelings, their experiences, all of it is shot down in favor of the gaslighter’s convenience and ego.

All of the above are excellent tools for narcissistic people, who emotionally manipulate and destroy their victims from a place entirely lacking in empathy. Gaslighting is the primary tool in their arsenals and enables them to keep their victims confused, powerless, and stuck in a corner of misery far longer than they should.

Why is gaslighting so common in narcissistic relationships?

Speak to any survivor of narcissistic abuse, and they can regale you with endless examples of gaslighting in their relationships with the narcissist. It’s one of the most common features of these twisted relationships. Narcissistic people are inherently manipulative, but gaslighting especially helps them to achieve their goal of controlling both perceptions of who they are and the victims who supply them.

Maintaining the mask

Narcissistic people spend their lives existing behind a series of masks. Each one of these masks serves a different purpose and is shown to a different person. In the outside world, the narcissist will wear the mask of the perfect boss, employee, churchgoer, politician, and all-around charming person. At home, those masks change and even slip away, revealing the controlling person underneath.

Gaslighting helps narcissists to maintain their various masks. By denying someone else’s reality or judgment of them, they are able to keep themselves on a pedestal of power and delusion. To themselves, they can lie and avoid accountability. To their victims, they force-create a new reality that keeps the victim powerless and easier to control.

That’s not where the benefits of gaslighting end for the narcissist. Gaslighting also serves to maintain the masks for flying monkeys and outsiders as well. When a narcissist undermines one of their victims, it allows them to paint themselves as martyrs and victims themselves — an ideal place for narcissists desperate for control.

Weakening the will

Willpower is an enemy to the narcissist. A victim with a sense of will is a threat to them. They are more likely to stand up for themselves and to draw boundary lines that the narcissist isn’t allowed to invalidate. For that reason, a lot of narcissists target the will of their victims. They seek to weaken it. Gaslighting is the ideal tool to do that and can do so quickly.

It’s centered around the denial of reality. The narcissist, existing in both anger and delusion, tells their victim that their emotions and experiences aren’t real. Do this enough, and the victim becomes beaten down. They learn not to speak up because they know what the cost comes with.

The more the victim’s sense of self is undermined, the weaker they become inside of the relationship. One day, they stop fighting for themselves altogether. Over time, the gaslighting of narcissists makes them weaker and less likely to protect themselves and their interests inside (and outside) of the partnership.

Breaking the spirit

Truly narcissistic people are cruel. Lacking empathy, they control their victims by tearing them down. Little by little, they destroy the self-esteem of their victims. They can do this by criticizing them, terrorizing them, or otherwise denying and diminishing their thoughts and contributions to the relationships. Narcissists like to make their victims feel bad about themselves so they are easier to control.

That’s why they use gaslighting to break the spirit of their victims. It’s a type of cruelty that really destroys long-term outcomes. When a narcissist gaslights a victim, they essentially tell them that their experiences and emotions don’t matter. In no uncertain terms, they teach their victims that they are worthless without the narcissist’s approval.

Controlling the narrative

Above and beyond anything else, the narcissist is externally validated. They spend their lives chasing the things that other people want. Narcissistic people need to be approved by others, so they create masks that are pleasing to others more than themselves. Essentially, they value their external perception more than their internal world.

That’s why gaslighting is such a powerful and preferred tool to the narcissist. When they gaslight someone, they are actually able to take control of the narrative and their role in the story. It’s straightforward. Narcissistic people use gaslighting to control how other people perceive them.

The clearest example of this can be seen in the rumor mills fed by narcissists. Getting ahead of the game, they often gaslight their victims by destroying them in the eyes of others. They tell people inside and outside of the relationship how “crazy,” stupid, or otherwise unreliable their victim is so that no one believes what that victim says.

Many narcissists also use these rumors to paint themselves in the best possible light. Depending on the situation, they may do that by presenting their role as a victim or a martyr opposite a person who is harming them unduly.

The best way to combat narcissistic influence.

Protecting ourselves from gaslighting is key to avoiding narcissistic influence. That’s easier said than done. Narcissists attack victims where it hurts the most. Gaslighting aims to harm their core, and it does so subtly and effectively. To defend themselves, victims must have a strong sense of self-esteem, iron-clad boundaries, and high emotional intelligence at their disposal.

1. Strong self-esteem: High self-esteem is a must if you’re dealing with a narcissistic person trying to gaslight you. This isn’t arrogance. Instead, it’s an inherent belief that you are lovable and worth being respected. Self-esteem acts as armor against gaslighting and narcissistic people.
2. Invincible boundaries: It’s impossible to set limits and boundaries with others (or yourself) without self-esteem. Boundaries are exactly what you need in order to protect yourself from narcissistic people, however. It’s your responsibility to draw the line and refuse access to anyone who tries to cross it with you.
3. Higher intelligence: Narcissists lack empathy, which means they have fundamentally flawed emotional intelligence. That’s where you can pick up the slack and defend yourself. Building on your own emotional intelligence and empathy will empower you to better see the narcissist’s worst intentions.

Narcissistic people target those who have low self-esteem. Think of it like your armor. The more healthy confidence you cultivate, the harder it will be for them to insult you and manipulate your emotions. You’ll be too secure in yourself, your needs, and your desires. From there, create iron-clad boundaries that no one is allowed to cross.

Protect your peace and focus on increasing your emotional intelligence, too. The narcissistic person is limited by their empathy and driven to gaslighting by it. Increasing your understanding of your emotions (and theirs) will empower you to stay strong and defend against them.

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Narcissists rely on gaslighting to control their victims and undermine their personal will and esteem. It’s a dangerous web to get caught in, as it can leave victims isolated and at the mercy of someone who doesn’t have their best intentions at heart. Self-defense and prevention are key. How can that be done? By increasing your self-esteem, setting iron-clad boundaries, and increasing your emotional intelligence.

One must be willing to stand up for one’s self and one’s truth. That takes strength. Narcissists work hard to affirm their delusions, and they demand that everyone around them play along. Never let yourself get sucked back into the narcissistic person’s delusions. In reality, you can find the relationship you truly deserve. Strive for that, and stop allowing narcissistic people to hold you back and put you down.

March, Evita & Kay, Cameron & Dinić, Bojana & Wagstaff, Danielle & Grabovac, Beata & Jonason, Peter Karl. (2023). “It’s All in Your Head”: Personality Traits and Gaslighting Tactics in Intimate Relationships. Journal of Family Violence. 1-10. 10.1007/s10896-023-00582-y.