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Who is the narcissistic parent? You could ask a million adult survivors of these homes this question and get a million different answers. The experience is different for each one of us. However, some threads seem to run through the stories of all adult survivors of narcissistic parents. Specifically, the thread of emotional neglect.

How could a child ever feel close to someone who is defined by their many masks? How could a child ever feel emotionally safe with a person who creates huge walls of pain and feeling that no one can scale? There’s no emotional closeness in a narcissistic household, so the children of these homes never grow up feeling emotionally cherished by the parents who objectify and use them.

In a half-a-dozen ways, the children of narcissistic families are neglected and left behind to deal with the pain of a world they can’t quite understand.

What does emotional neglect look like?

Emotional neglect is widely accepted as a form of childhood upset with lasting effects. Therapists and counselors around the world deal with millions of people every day who were emotionally abandoned or denied by their parents. The majority of them are neglected at home in one of two ways:

• Passive Neglect: This type of neglect is self-explanatory. The children of passively neglectful parents aren’t left at home to fend for themselves for days on end. Instead, they are ignored, abandoned behind emotional walls they can’t even begin to climb. Their parents aren’t interested in their lives and don’t bother to pretend differently.
• Active Neglect: A far more insidious type of neglect, the active course involves parents going out of their way to disengage from their children. Here, children are sent to their rooms and punished for showing emotion. It’s common for children of active neglect to be mocked when expressing emotional needs, too.

Both paths can result in adults who have a hard time navigating their own emotional worlds. Those who are exposed to passive emotional neglect grow unaware of their feelings. No one shows them how to confront the deep trenches and valleys of human expression, so they can be shut off, alienated from their inner world and a deeper (emotional) sense of self.

The same happens to those actively neglected, though it can be expressed differently. Still unaware of their feelings, with no reference point for dealing with them, they can also become terrified of their emotions (thanks to the association with punishment). Likewise, even the emotions of other people make them anxious, which can make connecting on a deeper level with other people challenging in adulthood.

How emotional neglect differs from a narcissistic parent.

As much as the above may apply to the children of narcissistic parents, the roots of emotional neglect go so much deeper. These toxic parental types rely heavily on an outside image, which exists to mask their insecurities while feeding their ego. Being a parent is their supply. It’s a game that they play. All the same, their children grow up feeling emotionally alienated, neglected, and unloved, no matter how involved they are at face value.

Endless illusions

The narcissistic parent is always wearing a mask, especially in the outside world, where they are still seeking power, control, and validation. Most of these parents pick a mask of perfection. They present themselves as involved, loving parents, but behind closed doors, it’s different. It doesn’t matter how many band concerts they show up to; there’s no significant connection with their children.

In these narcissistic homes, the parents aren’t really interested in the inner lives of their children. Kids are objects to them. They exist to provide supply and to reaffirm the mask that the narcissistic parent shows their friends, teachers, and strangers in the grocery store.

It doesn’t matter if the parent is the president of the PTA. At home, their children get minimal emotional support. They don’t feel like their parents really care about them because the parents don’t set aside time for deeper, more meaningful bonding. The narcissistic parent only cares about superficial things that could be reflected back onto them.

Stage demands

Everything is a performance in the narcissistic household. Parents are performing in front of the outside world so they can appear like noble and loving heroes. In turn, they expect their children to perform too. Whatever image the narcissistic parent has created for them — the straight-A student, the cheerleader, the athletic champion — they expect the child to meet those standards (or suffer for failure).

You see this in the parent who only celebrates their child and loves them when their child is performing in the way they desire. Anything else? They will remain distant and even express disappointment. It’s emotionally neglectful in the best of times, and it leaves their children emotionally alienated.

The core desires and needs of the child rarely come into consideration. For the narcissistic parent, it’s “their way or the highway.” The results are disastrous on the other end of the equation. The children of narcissistic parents grow up feeling as though they are always on the stage and that they have to perform behind a mask to deserve love.

Medical abandon

Narcissistic parents can see their children as direct extensions of their own worth. It’s a common narcissistic tendency. Because they are so insecure, narcissistic people over-personalize everything. They see whatever happens as a reflection of their worth, and their children are a part of that. If the child does well in the eyes of others, it makes them look like good parents. If the child doesn’t? It makes them look less worthy.

This twisted way of seeing their children extends to medical needs. It’s common for narcissistic parents to ignore their child’s physical and mental health until the child is in dire straights. Why? A sick child, a broken child, is a flawed child. Worse? They may interrupt whatever the narcissistic parent has prioritized for themselves.

Neglecting a child’s mental and physical needs comes at a (high) long-term cost for the child. Their brains internalize their experiences and try desperately to make sense of the neglect they experience. For many, it becomes a form of self-blame. You weren’t good enough to take good care of.

Narcissistic parents also can refuse to support children undergoing medical challenges. They leave them alone to deal with poor health and the emotional fallout. Alone, without the support that others get, the child can come to feel neglected emotionally by the parents they want support from.

Out of mind

Children of narcissistic parents are often used as objects. They are produced to make the parent look a certain way, to give them a certain feeling. It’s also pretty common for a narcissist to use their children as a smokescreen or an access key. Being a “family person” gives them plausible deniability. It’s power, too. Their children have to do whatever they say and treat them as gods in their own homes.

Some children are lucky enough to grow away from these twisted power dynamics. They move away from school or work, realize how toxic things are, and are able to easily form healthier boundaries. That comes with an emotional downside, however.

Narcissists are masters of disposal. Once someone is beyond the reach of their power, they are considered unworthy of the effort. That can certainly be the case with the children of narcissistic parents. Once they are lucky enough to break out of the central grinders of power, they get emotionally discarded by their parents.

You may see this in the narcissistic mother who stops calling the child who is no longer close enough or accessible enough to be on call for her whims. When that child refuses to do the emotional labor (or isn’t close enough to be a flying monkey), the parent distances themselves emotionally. In the end, that adult child may come to feel objectified.

Rigged roleplay

One of the defining elements of the narcissistic family is the use of roles and hierarchies to create twisted power dynamics. Everyone around the narcissistic parent is cast in a role. If there is more than a single child, one is usually chosen as the “golden child” while the others are downgraded to scapegoat, forgotten child, or switched between the three.

No one in the narcissistic household ever feels entirely safe. These roles create mistrust between siblings and destroy security between offspring and parents too. Secrets are used as weapons, and emotions become portals of weakness that leave one exposed to attack.

Because there is no emotional integrity in these types of households, there is no sense of emotional security. Children aren’t able to open up to their parents, to share their fears and secrets, without fear of being discarded or punished. So everything is locked up and they learn to distance themselves. That lack of emotional closeness can result in a degree of emotional neglect.

Is there anything we can do to heal the wounds?

There is so much damage done by narcissistic parents. Their neglect and their abuse leave scars on their nervous systems. Children of these homes are changed in the way they connect with others and themselves. Improvement is still possible. All is not lost. Any child of a narcissistic parent can still learn to face reality, embrace their emotions, and find the help that can unlock a future of peace.

1. Face the reality: There is no healing without an initial dose of radical honesty. You have to confront where you are, what happened to you, and the effects it had for you to get clear on the next steps. Like using a roadmap, you have to figure out where you are to plan where you’re going next in the healing journey.
2. Practice good hygiene: Emotional hygiene is the practice of combining emotional integrity and emotional reappraisal. Instead of running from your emotions, you embrace them — the good and the bad. Be honest about how you’re feeling, speak up for yourself, and see all of your emotions as important messengers.
3. Get the right help: The wounds of emotional neglect run deep. When you’re the child of a narcissist, they are also intersected with a lot of deep-seated mental damage. For real healing to happen, help is needed. Each person has to find the right help that addresses the damage they most want to confront.

Once you’ve started with a realistic look at how your narcissistic parent affected you, it’s easier to take accountability for your future and plan what’s going to happen next. None of it comes without embracing our emotions and committing to emotional honesty, however. With those new skills in hand, we can step up to the plate, get the help we need, and open up to a future that’s healthier and more fulfilling emotionally.

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No child is responsible for the emotional neglect they suffer at the hands of a narcissistic parent or anyone else. Children are innocent, and they are meant to be held in love and compassion as they grow and find their place in the world. It’s never too late to give your inner child that love and compassion.

The shadow of a narcissistic parent doesn’t have to grow long over your future forever. It’s possible to build a better future when you dig deep and commit to shedding the hurt of emotional neglect they stacked against you.

Bennett, V., Gill, C., Miller, P., Sayers, C. and Appleton, J.V. (2023). ‘From their own words’: A co‐produced study interpreting children and young people’s experiences of emotional abuse and neglect expressed in anonymous, online peer‐peer message forums. Child Abuse Review, 32(5). doi:https://doi.org/10.1002/car.2818.