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My mother set me up for failure in the relationship department. Manipulative and domineering, she was a true covert narcissist who went out of her way to burden her children with the full weight of her emotions. Unsurprisingly, it was a weight that none of us could bear.

The proof is in the “pudding” of our interpersonal relationships.

Turbulent to the last, every single one of my mother’s children formed codependent relationships with twisted, off-balance dynamics that left all feeling unfulfilled. For myself, I chose narcissists as my closest friends, repeating the dynamics I had gotten so accustomed to with my mother. I surrounded myself with the covert type. I felt like a water pump of emotional labor.

That’s how it goes with children. Their relationships with their parents help determine the outcome of their adult relationships. Childhood trauma is undeniably a part of this.

On my end, the brunt of my childhood trauma was emotional. Carrying the cross of my mother’s emotional wounds, I went out into the world seeking that same environment — and I found it. It may be the same for you, too. No matter your childhood trauma, it could have conditioned you to be more susceptible to narcissistic abuse later in life.

Childhood trauma takes many different forms.

Trauma can take many different shapes for children. Without the ability to process and understand the world around them, they become quickly overwhelmed by their experiences. In general, the trauma children suffer falls into 6 general categories:

• Physical trauma: A child who experiences physical trauma can do so at the hands of parents, siblings, or any other trusted authority figure. The results are the same. Whether physical abuse or sexual trauma, children traumatized on a physical level struggle with anxiety, trust, a sense of autonomy, mental health, and the overstimulation of their nervous systems.
• Psychological trauma: Physical abuse is not the only form of trauma that can damage a child’s nervous system. Those children who are mentally and emotionally abused also suffer harm internally in similar ways. Psychological trauma happens any time a child is exposed to fear they aren’t equipped to navigate.
• Spiritual trauma: Make no mistake, spiritual trauma can be an element of chaos in a child’s life. Spiritual trauma can be any combination of physical and psychological abuse, which is then reinforced with spiritual or religious significance. It’s a twisted form of harm that can take adult survivors decades to unpack.
• Double neglect: Neglect can be just as traumatizing as any form of overt abuse a child suffers. The effects are similar, too. Whether physical neglect or emotional neglect, children are left reeling with deep wounds to their sense of self and safety. Many spend their lives chasing love and approval.
• Witnessed trauma: We leave the witnessing of traumatic events out of the conversation more than we should. This experience can be just as traumatizing for a child. When they witness the abuse or harm of others — especially caretakers or authority figures — a child’s inherent sense of safety and stability is undermined.
• Natural trauma: Some things in life are inescapable, and that can include some childhood traumas. These unexpected life events are natural forms of trauma that happen as an unavoidable consequence of living (versus intentional harm to another person). Think of the sudden death of a parent, natural disasters (fires, tornados, hurricanes), homelessness, and domestic upheaval.

Some children will experience only one of these forms of trauma (or neglect) throughout their lives, but most suffer through layers. There’s a devastating consequence that extends beyond the harm that is done to the brain and the rest of the nervous system. Children traumatized early can become sitting ducks, easy targets, for narcissistic abusers.

What is the connection between childhood trauma and narcissistic abuse?

It matters little if a child is traumatized by a narcissist. Any form of trauma can make a child more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse and more susceptible to their manipulations. How? Childhood trauma left unresolved can alter psychological baselines, dysregulate the nervous system, and condition survivors to gravitate toward abusive people and environments.

Creating baselines

One of the greatest dangers of childhood trauma is the psychological baselines it creates. These baselines are essentially a summation of our cognitive wiring. Traumatizing a child alters their ability to learn and think, remember things, and even process emotions. They come to see the world based on their limitations and the dysfunctional environment they’re in. Now, add their nervous system, which is triggered into an “on” position.

All of this comes together to form the child’s foundation. It becomes their “normal”. That means that, on a subconscious level, the child seeks out environments that echo the feelings created in the “baseline” setting.

This is why you see so many survivors of trauma putting themselves in the path of narcissists and assured destruction. Having come to maturity in these environments, it feels like “home.” Self-sabotaging and destructive decision-making can also be a part of this loop.

That magnetic draw can be consciously rewired, but if it is not, childhood trauma survivors with overstimulated nervous systems can develop a habit of putting themselves in the path of narcissistic predators who repeat the same toxic traumas of their childhood.

Authority conditioning

It’s not uncommon to hear horror stories of people raised in authoritarian environments. Domineered over by a caretaker who was swift to punish them for imperfections or mistakes, these children were often traumatized on a physical level and emotionally neglected. It’s the same in any high-control environment. Every element of the child is rigidly shaped, and they never learn how to set boundaries.

That’s a dangerous way to send your child out into the world. In fact, it makes them more vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. How? Children raised in a domineering household are conditioned to subject themselves to authority — no matter how painful it is. A healthy sense of self is never allowed nor achieved.

Narcissists are some of the first predators to take advantage of these victims in the wider world. They see the weakness and press the limits in their relationships with these high-control survivors. Little by little, narcissists learn that this specific victim will rarely find the courage to say “no.”

Stonewalled emotions

Without a doubt, the emotional toll inflicted on childhood trauma survivors is the greatest price paid. At the root, that’s what trauma is: an emotional experience that outstrips the survivor’s ability to process it. It matters little what kind of trauma or neglect is suffered. Children harmed are children who are faced with intense emotions they don’t have the ability to navigate.

In many, this results in emotional dissociation. Unable to handle the emotions, children learn to turn them off. This is reinforced in the household in which showing emotion is dangerous or worthy of punishment.

The inability of childhood trauma survivors to access the full range of their emotions can make them a target for a narcissistic person. Narcissists, while intensely in touch with their own emotions, have no empathy for the emotional experiences of others. They are the priority and they demand an incredible amount of emotional attention.

Childhood trauma survivors, whether emotionally immature or dissociated, are usually too happy to oblige. They give, give, give emotionally until they are drained. That’s an attractive prospect for a narcissist who desires a partner to do extensive emotional labor for them (without doing anything in return).

Weakened cores

The trauma inflicted in childhood is, in many ways, a wound that never fully goes away. This can be especially true in those who have conditions like C-PTSD. Over and over again, the child is hurt, and that hurt carries over into every relationship and interaction that they have. There’s so much work done to stay afloat that there’s never a chance to create a healthy bond with oneself.

That poor relationship with self or sense of self is a dangerous wound to have. Our sense of self is first created in childhood. As we grow, we explore ourselves and our place in our environment. Through our relationships with family and peers, we learn how we fit into the world and who we want to be.

Children in dysfunctional or traumatic environments often aren’t given the freedom to develop a stable sense of authentic self. Doing so would mean being able to set boundaries, say no, and experiment with dress, interests, and desires. Toxic environments allow for little of that, which (in adulthood) makes survivors prime pickings for narcissists who see them as easier to mold and manipulate.

To escape narcissistic abuse, recover from your trauma.

Escaping patterns of narcissistic abuse as survivors of childhood trauma requires targeting that core trauma in the first place. Starting there, we can address our deepest emotional injuries and create new cycles of behaviors that elevate our self-esteem and relationships. This is primarily done when survivors:

• Get professional help
• Target the nervous system
• Elevate all standards

Before survivors set out on some big overhaul to improve themselves, they need to understand that professional help is necessary. Childhood trauma is not some inconvenient emotional discomfort. It can essentially boil down to developmental trauma that makes it hard for you to function normally. Literally, your executive function and cognitive development can be damaged by childhood trauma.

Professional help is going to be necessary at some point, whether that’s talking to a therapist or a psychiatrist or even going to the doctor to deal with the physical consequences of the trauma that has built up in your body.

Survivors need a community of support around them, on top of greater knowledge. Beyond that, targeting the nervous system as the healing center is key. Elevated standards and boundaries are also necessary. In selecting a better village, survivors need to create support systems that encourage them to do better and be better than the pain in their past.

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Experiencing trauma in childhood sets you back in so many ways. For some, it’s also the gateway to narcissistic abuse in adult relationships. It’s undeniable. Unresolved trauma makes you more vulnerable to narcissistic manipulation and abuse. To keep themselves clear of their traps, survivors of childhood trauma have to seriously confront their pain and manage or resolve it. Professional help and personal accountability are key.

As always, awareness is what’s important here. The scars of childhood trauma can never be erased. They can only be healed and respected for the stories they leave behind. Doing so requires a lot of painful introspection and retrospection, but there’s powerful freedom on the other side. What freedom is that? It’s freedom from narcissistic patterns, and it’s a true liberation, indeed.

Mitchell, S., Mitchell, R., Shannon, C., Dorahy, M., & Hanna, D. (2023). Effects of baseline psychological symptom severity on dropout from trauma-focused cognitive behavior therapy for posttraumatic stress disorder: A meta-analysis. Traumatology, 29(2), 112–124. https://doi.org/10.1037/trm0000404