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There are few greater obstacles to the healing of narcissistic abuse victims than the naysayers who exist everywhere. Survivors can’t open up about a single experience without encountering them — well-meaning individuals who shoot down and deny the experiences of survivors out of their own willful ignorance.

They haven’t ever experienced narcissistic abuse, so they can’t fathom that it exists. Acting entirely from their own sense of reality, they harm those trying to break generations of trauma when they deny their experiences and the feelings that survivors (rightfully) develop on the other side of narcissistic abuse.

Whether or not non-victims like it, narcissistic abuse does exist, and it is far different than any single type of abuse. This multi-layered abuse happens across decades and generations. It exists as an open secret in families, where children are raised in fear and denial of themselves and their realities. Narcissists exist everywhere and where they exist you find people in pain.

For collective healing to happen, non-victims need not only to understand the core realities of narcissistic abuse…they need to accept them, too.

The meaning of narcissistic abuse has shifted.

A great part of the confusion comes from the overuse of the term “narcissistic abuse” (and its use by those who don’t use it appropriately). It’s watered-down the true meaning. Thanks to internet culture and Popular Psychology, it has now become a term almost interchangeable with emotional abuse.

Anyone who has experienced narcissistic abuse, however, knows that this form of toxic existence goes far, far deeper than surface-level emotional abuse or manipulation.

True narcissistic abuse — whether committed by someone diagnosed with NPD or high in the traits — is a multilayered form of abuse that goes far beyond the “punishment” and negative reinforcement aspects of traditional abuse.

While those forms of abuse exist solely to reinforce toxic power dynamics (while validating abusers) narcissistic abuse is rooted in the narcissist’s desire to diminish and destroy the world because of their own insecurities.

A narcissist, whether covert or grandiose, desires to be on top, but not in the same way a traditional abuser wants to be on top. They desire to win by minimizing others. There is such a great deal of hurt and insecurity inside of them that they spend their entire lives shooting down anyone whose head has the potential to rise above their own.

They are a personality type that intentionally looks to saddle the world wit the burden of their pain, and they do it with a great deal of intention and awareness too. A true narcissist is not someone who mistreats others in immature ignorance. They are a person who consciously moves through the world with the intention of controlling others within the lens of their own hurt.

Why is it so hard for people to believe narcissistic abuse survivors?

Narcissistic abuse is a big concept for someone who has never experienced this darker side of humanity. To them, it’s impossible to imagine that a mother would consciously inflict pain on her children because she’s jealous of them. For someone who has never lived through the manipulation, it’s hard for them to imagine a husband who would go out of this way to make his wife feel unwanted, unloved.

But that’s who the narcissist is, and that’s what the narcissist does. Most of them move through the world like a black hole of pain sucking up and crushing any source of innocence or authenticity around them. That’s exactly what makes it so hard for non-victims to understand. That’s what makes it so hard for them to see the darker truths lurking beneath the surface level understanding of narcissistic abuse.

Purposeful diminishment

Your standard “toxic” person harms others, but the greatest portion of that harm comes from ignorance. They move through the world only thinking of themselves. They don’t intentionally harm others, but they will inflict a lot of harm by superfically pursuing things that they desire. Narcissists are a far more calculated and insidious personality type.

The narcissist is a person who poses behind a guise of love or charm while intentionally using their words and behaviors to dimish the people closest to them. They go out of their way to break their victims down. How? They make the people closest to them feel small, sad, isolated, unwanted, and unworthy.

Over time, this becomes the victims internal narrative. Why do they treat me so bad? Because I’m not good enough for them. Why do they call me names? Because I’m as stupid, incapable, worthless as they say…Little by little, narcissistic people diminish their victims and it can start with the simplest, smallest critique that builds into a mountain of disapproval and disgust.

Inability to love

While this is highly debated, it is this author’s personal experience and belief that narcissists are not truly capable of external love. Why is this debated? One camp claims that the emotional depth of narcissistic people is just as deep as anyone else, and this is true. The other camp argues that the narcissist can’t feel emotional at all. The full reality is found in the middle.

A narcissistic person is certainly capable of learning how to “love” themselves in all aspects. They can be taught to accept their good and their bad and to truly overcome their insecurities. But the fact remains that they lack empathy, which is the ability to understand and hold space for the emotional experiences of other people.

How can someone who intentionally inflicts harm on others — while experiencing a psychological deficit of empathy, often rooted in cognition and physiological development — truly love someone? It’s not a trick question. A narcissistic mother who intentionally harms or short-changes her children doesn’t love them. A narcissistic partner who screams at their partner and calls them names doesn’t love them.

Real love requires empathy. What narcissistic people experience is “attachment” more often to their supply more than anything else. Ask any truly narcissistic person what love is, and their truth would not align to what an emotionally mature and healthy person would call “love”. To a narcissist, love is loyalty and conformity. Little else.

Insidious mask-making

Narcissistic people can be hard to spot for those who aren’t conditioned to their tricks. Highly charming individuals, they exist behind a different series of masks which show their victims the shimmering veneers they desire most to see. Once their victims are isolated, however, the masks are dropped. All bets are off. The insidious intentions are revealed in truth.

These masks are created by narcissistic people to intentionally manipulate others. At a very young age, the narcissistic person learns to adapt and to show the side of themselves that gets the most positive reaction. The other side is always waiting, though.

The mask is created to cloak a genuinely manipulative and insecure core, and is created with the intention of misleading others in various ways. For the narcissistic mother, her mask is meant to get praise from the world while she inflicts long-term pain at home. In a narcissistic spouse, the mask is one just charming enough to keep their partner trapped in confusion (undermined by a layer of fear).

Flipping the switch

One of the scariest elements of narcissism is the “switch flipping” ability this toxic personality type has. A narcissist — not unlike someone with genuine psychopathy — has a certain ability to “flip the switch” on their victims or do an emotional 180 on them. While they’re being appeased, the narcissist is happy. The minute their victims displease or disappoint them, they are put onto an “enemy list” of sorts.

It’s part of what makes narcissistic abuse so confusing. One moment the narcissist can hold you in high esteem, treating you with love and respect. The next, the switch is flipped. They will lash out, destroy important elements of their victims lives (including personal effects, relationships, and opportunities).

A truly narcissistic person, someone who would qualify for a clinical diagnosis of narcissism, can turn off any “emotion” they feel for others. The truly dangerous part about it is that they feel justified in doing it, and it takes little to get them to that point of justification. Because the narcissist is someone who takes everything personally. Once they sense a personal attack a narcissistic abuser is going to strike.

Total destruction

If you haven’t survived a narcissist, a psychopath, or any other type of truely malignant or antisocial personality, then it’s hard to conceive of the deep, deep darkness within. These are not personalities who walk away from confrontation lightly. They take denial of their delusions as personal slights and use vulnerabilities against the people they claim to “love” like weapons.

This is, perhaps, the hardest truth for a non-victim to understand. You see it denied even in the flying monkeys closest to the narcissist. Despite watching the breakdown unfold they deny it. Narcissistic people destroy their victims, destroy anyone who denies their demands, and they do it over and over again.

That is the sad reality that survivors contend with every day. After finally finding the courage to stand up for themselves, they then have to face the wrath of someone who wants to see them destroyed in every possible way. The narcissistic will destroy a mother to her children, a father to his kids, a sibling to their brothers and sisters. There’s no end.

First, they will try to destroy the victim directly, then they will destroy the victimto others — even if that means losing their jobs and their families. Why go so far? The narcissist uses destruction of deniers to protect themselves (often with gaslighting) and to punish (isolating the victim from loved ones).

What do survivors of narcissistic abuse want other people to understand?

If a non-victim were able to take the above truths on without judgement or doubt, it would change the way they saw the plight of narcissistic abuse survivors. These truths still wouldn’t be enough, though. To fully understand the experience of narcissistic abuse victims one would still need to acknowledge the painful and unpredictable nature of healing.

1. The pain is indescribable: The pain of being abused by a narcissist is indescribable, especially for those who have been raised in narcissistic families. That’s because there are a lot of hard truths that have to be accepted — namely that someone you loved did not love you back in the same way (and that they chose to hurt you). So much damage is done that some of it can’t ever be entirely healed or forgotten.
2. Healing isn’t linear: “Normal” people without narcissistic abuse experience tend to think of healing as linear. You don’t feel good, you go talk to someone and feel better. Healing from narcissistic abuse doesn’t work that way. Many victims exist with conditions like PTSD and BPD which give them symptoms for like. There is a lot of ups and downs survivors experience forever.
3. Shifting the pattern is hard: Narcissistic peoople implant survivors with their own habits and patters. Most survivors adopt some traits of their narcissist abuser out of conditioning, familiariity, and a need for self-preservation. Shifting out of those behaviors can be hard. Old habits can rear their ugly heads in our most vulnerable moments and trigger us in unpredicatable ways.

Being harmed psychologically by someone you love is one of the greatest traumas a person can experience. It changes one’s perception of self and the world around them. It can damage a person’s ability to form future relationships and to pursue any number of personal opportunities which may otherwise lead that person to validation.

Non-victims of narcissistic abuse could be a part of that healing if they could become willing to move toward survivors in acceptance.

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Narcissistic abuse is far more complex than one straightforward and easy-to-identify form of abuse. The scars, the bruises, the breaks aren’t always there to see for all. They exist deep within and behind closed doors, where the narcissist takes off their masks and reveal the depth of their pain and depravity.

Perhaps one day we will exist in a future where this multilayered type of abuse doesn’t exist. Until then, greater understanding and compassion is needed for survivors who are still learning about their own experiences. It’s time for non-victims to be a part of that change and it starts now with empathy and radical acceptance of the narcissistic abuse experience.

Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. Sage Open, 9(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693

Howard V. Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications for Mental Health Nursing Practice. Issues Ment Health Nurs. 2019 Aug;40(8):644-654. doi: 10.1080/01612840.2019.1590485. Epub 2019 May 29. PMID: 31140886.