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My mother couldn’t tolerate anyone doing better than her. Although she did little to make herself successful, fulfilled, or happy, she expected to sit on top of the pile in all these things. No one could be tolerated if they had more money than her, more career success, or more emotional stability. She only held space in her life for people who were suffering, and if they weren’t…she had an uncanny habit of creating that suffering for them.

It took years to understand that my mother was a malignant narcissist. Seething in core-rooted resentment and rage that ate her alive from the inside out, she needed to destroy in others what she didn’t have for herself.

With our relationship, it was my future.

A woman who had suffered a lot of traumas early on, my mother had created a husk of a life for herself (despite being offered multiple opportunities to change it).

It made her wildly jealous, seeing anyone whose life had gone differently—or better. She hated anyone who had more than her and would run them down, alienate them, and block them out of her life, even if it meant sabotaging her own career and relationships in the process.

Seeing me grow into a self-possessed and determined woman enraged my mother. At every given opportunity, she would run me down, give me terrible advice, and sabotage me with paranoia and relationship interference that made it hard for me to maintain stable relationships throughout my adult life.

My senior year of high school was a blur, marked by manic rages that saw family intervening to pull me from a house in which I was no longer physically safe. My mother hated me, and even though our relationship improved in college, I could never open up to talk to her about my ambitions or my dreams. To do so was to receive heartbreaking criticism.

Why? Because doing better than the malignant narcissist who raised you is a direct threat, and it’s one that they will destroy you for at all costs.

Who is the malignant narcissist as a mother?

Narcissism isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience or personality. Every narcissist is different, and their characteristics are expressed differently. Most narcissists, however, whether covert or overt, fall into 2 subcategories: malignant or benign.

On the harmless end of the scale is the benign narcissist, a danger to themselves more than anyone else. They create a lot of crisis and drama in their own lives, but they don’t go out of their way to destroy everyone else around them (unless directly provoked).

Then there’s the malignant narcissist…

A malignant narcissist is a narcissistic person who actively interferes and destroys the lives of others. The narcissistic habit of destroying themselves isn’t enough. They cause chaos in the lives of everyone else, too. Through jealousy and resentment, they can interrupt relationships, careers, and entire families.

The malignant narcissist becomes even worse when found at the head of a family — leeching their supply from defenseless partners and children who can do nothing to escape them.

At once a god and a queen, the malignant narcissist, as a mother, expects to be put on unquestionable pedestals of respect and admiration. They do not, however, return any of this investment in kind. In fact, hold the key to the family with an iron fist and refuse to relinquish it. Everyone is their hostage, and the moment you step out of line with their delusion…you will be destroyed.

How the malignant narcissist mothers their children.

No one suffers more at the hands of a malignant, narcissistic mother than her children. Bound to her in inescapable ways, they become trapped in her web and helpless against the dangerous and toxic ways in which she manages their relationship. Hostages tied by both affection and fear, children of malignant mothers experience the darkest depths of the warped parent-child relationship.

Horrible advice

One of the most subtle ways that the malignant mother sabotages her children is through the passing of horrible advice. It’s impossible to spot and even harder to confront. Insidiously, the malignant parent will tell their children (and partners) terrible advice that is intentionally aimed at keeping everyone else below the narcissist.

This comes from a place of resentment. Unwilling to see anyone feel better than them or succeed more than they have, the malignant narcissist will convince those around them to make choices against their higher good. Fear is often triggered in them by the narcissist, as well as self-doubt or unhealthy attachment.

Pressure to perform

Many mothers are tough on their children. They push them to become better people because they know the odds are stacked against them in a brutal world. The malignant narcissist as a mother takes it further. She pushes her children to perform, not for their own benefit, but for hers.

It’s not uncommon to see her children pushed to perform beyond their ability and means. The narcissistic mother expects perfection, and she expects children and spouses who make her look like the god she wants to be.

This pressure to perform touches on everything. She will push her children to be the best in school, to be the smartest or the prettiest. They must have the best jobs and the best opportunities. They must outshine everyone. And if they don’t? They’ll be punished by someone who takes pleasure in teaching them they are below her.

Subtle sabotage

Malignant mothers, at their heart, are like any other narcissist. While on the outside, they orchestrate grand projections, inside they are insecure. They fear they are worthless and they fear (even more) that someone will see that worthlessness in them. What makes malignant narcissists so different is that they will actively sabotage others to ensure that doesn’t happen.

A malignant narcissist, as a mother, will make sure those around her are always in a mess. She will gun for their relationships, their jobs, and their mental and emotional stability. Nothing is out of bounds for this type of woman.

Many touch on the borders of the dark triad, meaning that some get genuine pleasure out of making their children struggle through life. This sabotage isn’t always outright, however. It’s not always as blatant as starting rumors, planting insecurities, or shows of emotional explosion.

Some malignant mothers will sabotage their children by failing to give them the skills they need to thrive. They will keep them helpless, without the life skills or connections they need, to leave the nest and thrive as independent people.

Reckless competitor

The insecurity at the core of the narcissist is what makes them so dangerous. Malignant narcissists weaponize this insecurity and turn it against others in destructive ways. Competition is a primary mechanism for this weaponization. The malignant narcissist competes endlessly with everyone in their environment, and that includes their children and their partners.

A mother who is also a malignant narcissist will compete with their children for attention, affection, accolades — all of it. They want to shine brighter than anyone around them. What’s more, they want everyone around them to know that they “aren’t good enough”.

The competitive nature of a malignant narcissist takes everything to the most extreme degree, however. While some narcissists will abandon any environment they don’t feel superior in, malignant narcissists will go out of their way to destroy anyone who beats them.

If they can’t win the game, they will destroy the game (and everyone in it). There is no loss for the malignant narcissist, even if they have to destroy themselves.

Running interference

The children of malignant narcissists rarely ever know peace. Not at home and not outside of it either. While they desperately search for healthy and stable connections in the outside world, their malignant mother remains behind them — dead set on keeping them from having a life that shines brighter.

If your mother is a malignant narcissist, she won’t tolerate your success. Not in your career, not in your sense of self, and not in your outside relationships, either.

Your connections with other people threaten the unquestioned power of the narcissistic mother. They will take you away from her, and they will expose her in ways that her malignant side (should she have one) can’t stand. Relationships with the outside world are a threat. A threat to the malignant narcissist has to…you guessed it…be destroyed.

Enter interference

A malignant narcissist, in the mother role, will go out of her way to interfere in any relationship that threatens her power over you. It doesn’t matter how she does it. Inciting fights, spreading rumors, creating paranoia. She will do whatever it takes to break down the trust and security you find in others.

Calling back your power…

There’s no denying the power and lasting effect a malignant mother has. Her narcissistic tendencies are passed down to her children, not just genetically but behaviorally, too. She lurks in the corner of their memories, their personalities, and the relationships that they hold dear.

To overcome her, we have to call back our power. That calling back, however, will ask us to make hard decisions and to choose what is authentically ours (despite her).

We can call back our power from our narcissistic parents by taking action in the name of our peace. As always, this begins with small (but brave) steps:

• Re-educating ourselves
• Leaning into authenticity
• Building strong boundaries

The first step is always understanding, but you can’t come to a place of understanding without knowledge. Educate yourself. Re-educate yourself. Learn everything you can about healthy growth and family development, then look around at your life. Has your mother given you that security? Or has she implanted your world with a slice of pain?

Once you have the knowledge to act, you lean into yourself. Become more authentic. Build better relationships away from your home. Act in the name of yourself, your needs, and the desires that bring you a sense of passion, joy, and excitement.

The more you create a life that genuinely reflects you, the easier it will become to set boundaries with the malignant narcissist in your life. At some point, you may have to choose your peace over the connection you have with a woman who wants to destroy you.

Everyone’s boundaries look different, but you must make sure you draw a line around the things that are important to you in your life. Anyone who threatens your peace? They shouldn’t be allowed to cross that line…ever. However, that looks to you (no contact, limited contact, etc).

***

Our mothers shape us, but they don’t have to be the final defining factor in who we get to be. You still have the chance to choose what your life looks like. You still deserve to be loved, to feel safe, to have a career, a family, and a blooming friend group. Everything you need is out there, waiting for you. Break the patterns first.

Is that worth it to you? This is the chance to make a choice. The misery of a malignant person or happiness of your own making. Take action now and empower yourself to wake up in a better world.

Goldner-Vukov M, Moore LJ. Malignant Narcissism: from fairy tales to harsh reality. Psychiatr Danub. 2010 Sep;22(3):392-405. PMID: 20856182.