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There has been an explosion in our understanding of narcissistic abuse. Now, more than ever, we are seeing what happens when someone is subjected to long-term mental and emotional manipulation. The effects are shocking. When you are abused by a narcissistic person, it changes the way you act and the way you think about yourself and the world.

Despite understanding the major changes that take place in our personality and our approaches, not enough is being done to address the extreme apathy that comes from being abused by a narcissist.

Individuals with NPD have an unstable sense of self and they need constant validation from those around them. The result for those caught in their throes is an emotionally volatile living environment that leaves them in a total state of chaos. For most to survive long term, a shutdown is needed. Enter the apathy cycle of narcissistic abuse.

What is narcissistic abuse, really?

As much as we talk about narcissistic people, too few take the time to really spell out what narcissistic abuse is. Is it emotional abuse? Is it physical abuse? Financial abuse? Spiritual abuse? It can be all the above. It’s layered, but has one central element involved: a narcissistic person who has weaponized their pain to inhabit a space of power.

At its core, narcissistic abuse differs from all other forms of abuse because it centers on the insecurities and malicious desires of one person. Using multiple forms of harm and manipulation, (including mental, emotional, physical, sexual, and even spiritual) the narcissistic person can shape their environment and force the hands of those closest to them.

There are many consequences for those living in narcissistic abuse. They can be implanted with hopelessness and weighed down with insecurities. Their lives are limited because of the chaos the narcissist attaches to them. Years of living in these patterns can change personality, beliefs, and behavior.

What’s truly shocking is the cycle of apathy that is triggered by consistent narcissistic abuse. Far from creating self-determined survivors, those trapped in the clutches of a narcissist can become emotionally disengaged. Little by little they shutdown and learn to turn away from themselves in a way that becomes self-sabotaging patterns.

How narcissistic abuse creates a cycle of apathy.

Narcissistic abuse is complex, and it takes time to uncover and address. It cannot be signalled through one painful event. Rather, it piles up over time in consistent patterns of destruction and denial that create pathological insecurities in victims.

There is an apathy cycle that kicks in, too. A defense mechanism against the constant “picking” of the narcissistic abuser. Survivors learn to shut themselves down after constant emotional attacks. Attempts at comeback are met with diminishment and the cycle becomes a personal pattern.

The Attack

The apathy cycle begins with a series of personal attacks. Generally, these happen slowly and increase in ferocity. The narcissist first lulls their victim into a false sense of comfort through mirroring and idealization. They mask their true intentions and become what their victim wants to see.

Once that person is in the narcissist’s clutches (and firmly attached to them) the diminishment begins. Personal attacks are aimed at the victim to erode their self-esteem and warp their perception of reality.

The things that once made the victim confident become the aspects of self, which make them the most insecure. It’s a bit like having the light of their internal candle extinguished again and again. One attack is survivable, but constant criticizing and chastisement will change the victim’s perspective.

The Comeback

It seems simple. The narcissist attacks the victim on the personal level to tear them down and make them more easily coerced. This is only one side of the coin. In truth, there is another reason narcissists tear down their victims, and it has a lot to do with their attachment and reactions that can be triggered within their attachment styles.

Specifically, the narcissist aims these personal attacks at their victims because it can inspire a comeback. Made to feel insecure, the attacked persons are encouraged to “fix” their wrongs in a way that is more pleasing to the narcissist.

This is where the 2nd phase of the apathy cycle winds into place. With insecurities triggered, the victim begins to overcompensate in a desperate effort to avoid more criticizing or vicious reactions from the narcissists in their life. They want to become perfect in order to please their narcissistic abuser and feel good about themselves again.

The Heartbreak

Unfortunately, those who have been caught in the throes of narcissistic abuse know that there is no such thing as avoiding the axe of displeasure. There is no pleasing a narcissist. A true narcissistic personality will always find something to criticize or reject in order to keep themselves in a place of superiority.

Eventually, all victims come to realize this. The efforts to be better and do better mean nothing. They are still regularly exposed to the rages, attacks, and hostile environments created by their narcissistic captor.

In this space, the victim enters the 3rd stage of the apathy cycle: heartbreak.

After sustained attacks, the victim realizes they will never be treated differently than they are being treated in the worst moments. Sure, there may be moments of pleasant reprieve, but only when going to extremes to satiate the narcissist (and the narcissist alone).

The victim is exposed to a death, both of the ego and of their reality. They come to realize that “fixing” themselves is futile and changing the narcissist will never happen. A sorrow is created which can breed both resentment and total apathy toward life and oneself.

The Shutdown

The 4th major event in the apathy cycle is the shutdown which accompanies the realization. Once the veils of delusion have been removed, the victim realizes that they are trapped in the clutches of someone who doesn’t value them.

If the victim can’t escape, they are forced to close off their emotions and desires in order to survive. They have to shut down, or risk living a state of absolute brokenness and turmoil.

It’s also a matter of survival. Reacting to every provocation of the narcissistic abuser is a sure path to mental and emotional breakdown. So, to avoid this crash, the victim has to give up, turn off their emotions, and stop caring about themselves, their environment, or the quality of their lives.

The Pattern

The real danger of the apathy cycle becomes apparent once it enters the 5th and final phase. Forced so long to shut down and not to care, victims of narcissistic abuse can come to realize that their apathy has become a pattern of self-destruction.

Detached from their emotions and their needs, victims of narcissistic abuse become accustomed to denying themselves. Making themselves smaller and smaller, they often come to create lives that reflect their experiences in abuse and in apathy.

They stop taking action for themselves and instead put the happiness of everyone else before their own. They say “yes” to toxic friends, partners, and opportunities; anything which can reflect the low opinion of self they’ve adopted over the years.

If they cannot break out of these patterns, the victim of this narcissistic abuse can slowly create a life that fulfills every bad thing they think about themselves and their bodies. They are so numb to everything that they settle for nothing at all.

The best ways to break the pattern.

Many victims spend years in these patterns of apathy. They forget to care about themselves, but more importantly, they forget their why. Out of touch with their core emotions, they can’t break through to address their core needs. All of that space gets taken up by the narcissists and the heartbreaking lessons they teach.

As a survivor, if you want to break the apathy cycle, then you have to take steps to:

• Acknowledge your emotions
• Address your core needs
• Activate entirely new boundaries

Everything begins (and ends) with our feelings. All of that rage, resentment, hurt, confusion — it has to bubble up to the surface and get confronted before you can look beyond it. That’s a scary ask, because it means seeing everything the narcissist has done to you. Worse, you have to look at all the self-denial you’ve engaged in.

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Breaking out of the apathy pattern can’t stop there. Once you have taken responsibility for the way you feel, you must address your needs and get yourself back to a mentally and emotionally stable place you can heal in.

That means a lot of different things, but it’s primarily going to mean setting powerful boundaries around what makes you feel safe. You may have to walk away from people, places, and opportunities to do that. The payoff is worth the risk. Stick to the right path, and you can find yourself back in a life you actually want to be involved in. A life you don’t have to be numb to.

Don’t get caught in the numbness. Don’t resign your life to the chaos and disappointment of narcissistic abuse. Those patterns are meant to be broken — and they can be. Take the first step to free yourself and find a better future waiting for you on the other side.

Levy, M.L., Cummings, J.L., Fairbanks, L.A., Masterman, D., Miller, B.L., Craig, A.H., Paulsen, J.S. and Litvan, I. (1998). Apathy Is Not Depression. The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences, 10(3), pp.314–319. doi:https://doi.org/10.1176/jnp.10.3.314.

Tamara L. Taillieu, Douglas A. Brownridge, Jitender Sareen, Tracie O. Afifi. Childhood emotional maltreatment and mental disorders: Results from a nationally representative adult sample from the United States. Child Abuse & Neglect. Volume 59. 2016. Pages 1-12. ISSN 0145-2134. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2016.07.005.