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My family was nothing special in terms of a narcissistic family. At the center was my mother, bolstered by her golden child — who was most certainly not me. Outside of that were layers of enablers. For years, I was unable to understand why I felt so hopeless and alone in my family, but it all made sense when I uncovered their patterns of narcissistic abuse.

Outside of the home, we looked ideal. Many members of the family were professionally successful, and my mother wielded her victimhood well to conceal laziness that cost her her life (and endangered mine in the process).

Behind closed doors, it was another matter. No one was emotionally close, none of us could open up safely to the other or trust that our weaknesses wouldn’t be weaponized against us. Because they always were. Any vulnerability you showed would be used against you to make fun of you at a later date.

I grew up in a pretty brutal world, full of backbiting and lacking any real emotional support or closeness. Even when I ran from the physical patterns, the scars remained. I chose the same relationships, families, and friendships that reinforced these narcissistic ties.

It didn’t change until I got brutally honest with myself about addressing the realities. How had these patterns been reinforced? It all came down to understanding the complex layers of the narcissistic family and how they functioned.

What does the narcissistic family look like?

Do all narcissistic families look like the one detailed above? No, but there are core traits that all narcissistic families have in common. Specifically, they are led by one or two central narcissists who pull the primary strings. Narcissistic parents don’t stand alone at the head of these families, though. There are several key players that help keep them in power.

• The Narcissistic Mother: Shaped by her environment and experiences, the narcissistic mother is in one a villain and a victim. Demanding performances from her children, she teaches them to be vulnerable in all the worst ways.
• The Narcissistic Father: The narcissistic father is generally more overt in his behavior, thanks to the allowances granted him by society. Here, we find a demanding and overbearing personality that wants control and obedience from his family (and the mask they provide him).
• The Enabler: The enabler can be anyone in the family who creates space for the narcissist’s worst behaviors. They look the other way, gaslight family members who question the narcissist, and shield that narcissistic power source from any accountability.
• The Golden Child: The golden child is selected as the greatest reflection of the narcissist. This gets them a certain amount of special treatment. They may be especially skilled or stand out at work or in school. Golden children are saddled with great expectations. Still, they can act as perpetrators and flying monkeys themselves.
• The Scapegoat: Scapegoats have the hardest journey in the narcissistic family. Identified as the “weakest” family member (either because of age or because of questioning the system), they are often targeted for the worst treatment and emotional alienation.
• The Forgotten Child: Often switching with the scapegoat, dependent on the narcissist’s mood and circumstances, the forgotten child is one of the most emotionally alienated members of the family.
• Flying Monkeys: Narcissistic families couldn’t exist without flying monkeys. These individuals do the bidding of the narcissist and gaslight and harass other family members to keep them active within the manipulations.
• The Outer Ring: The “Outer Ring” describes anyone else adjacent to the narcissistic family (but distanced) who helps to maintain the toxic structure through gaslighting, questioning survivors, blame-shifting, or otherwise dismissing and demeaning the experience going on within the family.

In some form or fashion, all of these roles come together during the life span of the narcissistic family, to keep all the mechanisms in place. Every role is important in keeping the dysfunction active. Remove one role and the narcissist becomes exposed. In that space, we are able to see how the narcissistic family truly works.

How does the narcissistic family work?

If these roles make up a narcissistic family system, how do they come together to create the chaos many know so well? It’s all about masking and performing to the narcissist’s tune. Enablers, flying monkeys, scapegoats, and golden children, no one is safe. If safety or love is desired, delusions must be reinforced, and family members controlled.

Creating a major mask

First and foremost, the family of a narcissist exists as a mask. To them, it is one more way in which to hide their insecurities, to show the world that they are an exceptional person. Children and partners become extensions of the narcissist. They exist to affirm the narcissist’s greatness, their importance.

Narcissistic families must toe the line of their narcissist in charge. Their job is to affirm the narcissist’s delusions in whatever way the narcissist chooses. To be the ideal mask, they must reflect the narcissist's desired values and behaviors, or they risk exclusion and destruction.

Performance and validation

That’s really the key to success within the narcissistic family. Children and partners who desire safety must create a world the narcissist values. It doesn’t matter if they have to fold themselves in the process. For the narcissist, the family is a performance, and everyone has a role to play.

Narcissistic families are rooted in performance and validation. Children learn quickly to perform self-limiting behaviors in order to gain praise for the narcissist. They also learn that their personal achievements are a path to safety, so they learn to strive for greatness if they want their narcissistic parent to “love” them.

Partners are held to the same performances. In order to keep themselves safe within their narcissistic relationships, they must project whatever image the narcissist demands. This may be a Trophy Husband or a Stepford Wife. In all cases, these performances exist to validate the narcissist and convince them that they are superior and successful.

A world of enmeshment

In narcissistic families, boundaries exist only for the narcissist. The narcissistic parent has a world of lines that everyone learns not to cross. The family walks on eggshells at all times. Those same boundaries do not exist for anyone else in the family. For them, the narcissist is allowed to cross the line whenever they want and as often as they want.

This is where enmeshment is born. In short, enmeshment is the lack of boundaries and clear limits within a relationship. The narcissistic family is rooted in this. Nothing is private. No one is allowed to harbor their own inner life or their own opinions. All inner and outer worlds must be controlled by the narcissist in charge. They must reflect on their delusions. (Yet again.)

Practicing pseudo-mutuality

The most toxic relationships are marked by a clear pseudo-mutuality. On the surface, in public, these relationships seem healthy, close, and loving. However, the reality is much different behind closed doors. Relationships marked by pseudo-mutuality are rigid and emotionally distant behind closed doors.

Narcissistic families are champions of this type of performance. To the outside world, they seem incredibly close. Narcissistic parents can perform as ideal parents, smiling in public and bragging proudly about the children they appear to be so proud of.

When the world isn’t there, though, that is not the reality for their children. In private, the family is emotionally distant. Triangulation techniques and constant manipulation mean that there is no shared trust. Everyone is looking out for themselves and avoiding the blows of the narcissist to the best of their ability.

Demanding forced roles

One of the most unique traits that mark a narcissistic family is their use of roles to enforce orders. You see this play out time and time again, especially if the family has more than one child.

Everyone is forced into a role. At the top, you have the narcissist who assumes the head of power. Just beneath them, the enabler ensures that they are able to remain unquestioned and unaccountable.

Favored children are put into the role of “golden child,” which appears emotionally safer on the surface. The golden child, however, is subject to extreme expectations and a certain level of emotional incest, as the narcissist generally sees this child as the most direct reflection of themselves.

Next comes the “forgotten children” and the “scapegoats.” The forgotten child doesn’t earn the ire that the scapegoat does, nor do they get the care of the golden child. Left in the middle, they are emotionally distanced and can sometimes switch roles with the scapegoat — who is the most hated and the most punished in the family.

What does it mean to break the cycle of narcissistic abuse?

Healing from narcissistic abuse is not one single process. There is a practical approach, which has been detailed frequently in this publication. Then, there is the foundation-building approach. Certain conditions must exist for you to take the practical path to wholeness after narcissistic abuse. That’s what breaking the cycle of narcissistic abuse requires. Giving yourself the basics of love, boundaries, and self-prioritization.

Being there for yourself

Here’s the really tough thing about getting out of a narcissistic family: you are on your own. No one in the family is going to help you get out. They don’t want you out. Likewise, you’ll be marked as an enemy if you manage to escape. No one wants to go behind enemy lines, no matter how much they may have loved you at one time.

Learn how to balance your dependence on others with your dependence on self. Become determined to thrive on your own terms.

You have to learn how to be there for yourself. You have to stop looking for help and learn how to do it on your own. Know what you want, and acknowledge what you need. Then, double down and commit to giving it to yourself…no matter what.

While you learn how to build healthy connections again, look inward at the most broken parts of yourself that have been minimized by the narcissistic family. Be there for that person and be determined to give them a safe and good life.

Setting better boundaries

In a narcissistic family, boundaries are void. You can’t draw any lines that the narcissistic won’t cross. They don’t respect you, even if they’re a parent or a partner. That’s the pattern that’s learned. Never able to set boundaries, survivors of narcissistic families go out into the world thinking it is unsafe to say “no” to anyone they value (or perceive as powerful).

Draw the line around the things that you are no longer willing to settle for. Identify the absolute limits on which you will not compromise.

Survivors are groomed to be victims. Breaking the cycle necessarily means that you must erase that pattern. Setting boundaries is absolutely necessary. If you can’t draw iron-clad boundaries with the world — and with yourself — then you will continue to fall into the clutches of those who seek to do you harm.

Valuing peace over storylines

To survive in a narcissistic family, you must tell yourself a lot of stories. Specifically, you have to tell yourself the stories the narcissist desires to tell. That includes stories about the true self and stories about the world. The narcissist creates narratives about who we are, and as members of the narcissistic family, we must accept those lines.

Your peace and emotional health are more important than the mental and emotional illnesses of those who are willing to harm you.

Then, there are the stories that are created entirely in the heads of the victims. It starts as excuses, which then become justifications, which turn into validations and self-gaslighting.

At some point, if one desires peace, one has to prioritize personal peace over these storylines. One has to make the choice to act in a way that makes personal peace the priority. The self has to be chosen and that can mean breaking with the narcissistic family in many different ways (not just no contact).

Looking for more in love

In such a twisted family, love is mislearned. How could it not be? The narcissist at the head of such a family only expressed love and acceptance when they are being pleased by the performances of their children or their partners. Likewise, no one else in the family can be a peaceful or positive place unless the narcissist is in that place first.

For you to escape the cycle of settling for less, you must demand more in terms of the way you love yourself and the way others are allowed to love you.

Love becomes a performance in these families. It becomes inextricably tied to a constant sense of reciprocation. Give me this and I will love you. Give me that and I will love you. Give me none of it? I will hate you.

You must learn that love is something greater than a performance. It’s not a show you put on for others. It’s not acting alone. Love, real love, should not always come with a price tag or a need to provide your body, your mind, and your soul.

Finding serious support

Humans are social animals who, by and large, thrive when they have a social solution to their problems. Support is needed on the journey back to wholeness. After all, the narcissistic family drains your sense of self and, in many cases, your ability to fully see and understand the world around you.

Create a support system that you can lean into throughout the process of recovery. Fill it with people who have not only knowledge but empathy too.

At some point, help is needed. It’s okay to stretch out a hand and request mercy. You will find it. The world is a big place, and it’s filled with as many good and loving people as the pain-inducing ones you have already known.

Find your village. Build it yourself if you have to. Fill it with the people you choose. People who lift you up, people who want better for you. Also, pick those who have been there before. Professionals with the experience to point you in the direction of wholeness, healing, and a life self-determined.

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The narcissistic family is a complex one, with many roles and many moving pieces, which can make it hard for victims to escape. Breaking the cycle requires peeling apart the layers. Look at the motivations beneath the surface of the twisted and chaotic family.

Enablers, flying monkeys, and all-out deniers help keep these toxic family systems in place. Once we understand the bigger picture of narcissistic function and how it warps behavior, we can see the patterns and break them for ourselves.

Self-empowerment is key. Building bases of self-respect and self-love, a new future begins to emerge. Support, however, becomes a must. Others are needed to lift survivors up, to illuminate the path, and show them the way. The value of a village cannot be denied in recovering from a narcissistic family and a narcissistic upbringing.

As always, a new future is possible.

Jabeen, F., Gerritsen, C., & Treur, J. (2021). Healing the next generation: An adaptive agent model for the effects of parental narcissism. Brain Informatics, 8(1). https://doi.org/10.1186/s40708-020-00115-z

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am a writer, NLP coach, and podcaster who helps survivors build more fulfilling lives. Join my mailing list for weekly advice on life, love, and healing from a traumatic past.