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As a society, we are long beyond the point of being able to deny the extensive costs of parental narcissism. It is one of the most damaging forms of parenting that occurs, and it happens so much more often than we think.

Children are brought into the world every day by these parents not to experience the beauty of innocent life, but to serve the egos of those same parents. Parents who are insecure, self-involved, or otherwise centered on their own desires. It’s all about them and how they “look” as a parent.

Life becomes a haze of pain and delusion for those raised by a parental narcissist. Their high narcissistic tendencies force you to spend years as an adult trying to untangle the psychological trauma knots they leave behind.

To find a path forward to peace, acceptance is key. For us to empower ourselves, we have to take a strong stance and see experiences fully for what they were. In that space, we can find not only empathy for the narcissists who raised us. We can also find the strength to build a new sense of self.

How does parental narcissism manifest in families?

In its most basic form, parental narcissism is the creation of a family to meet superficial goals. Narcissistic parents are those who have children to serve as a mask. There’s no desire to raise a better generation, or children who have a happy life. The narcissistic parent is overcome by their own toxic traits, to the point that they harness their children with the burden of their happiness.

Children exist as the tools of self-discovery for lazy and unaware parents unwilling to do the hard work of self-fulfillment. Children are the ultimate external validation of a narcissistic parent.

It seems unthinkable. What parent could possibly bring a child into the world with such selfish intentions? It’s not as uncommon as you may think. Many factors go into shaping the parental narcissist and the poor decisions they make. Their personal experiences can drive them to have children out of insecurity and a desire to “prove” something.

Then there are the societal beliefs and expectations. The pressure to have children can be great depending on what corner of the world you inhabit. In order to “fit in” with certain social circles, individuals can feel they have to produce children and project a specific sort of life. These children can also provide a great amount of social attention and validation (a la Instagram and TikTok).

Lastly, there are those with low emotional intelligence and self-awareness. These are people who bring children into the world to serve needs they are unwilling to meet themselves. Lacking a sense of self-love or fulfillment, they have children and expect them to fill the role of partner and supportive village.

The primary signs of parental narcissism can’t be overlooked.

Toxic behaviors don’t exist in the open. They hide in the tiniest facets of human behavior and the choices that are made along the way.

There are many different forms of parental narcissism. Some of them are grandiose and overt. They wave their children in front of them like royal banners, demanding respect and obedience. Others are more covert. Spotting the signs requires a bold eye and a courageous heart. Though each narcissistic parent may be different, themes like emotional immaturity and enmeshment remain central in each of these families.

Significant immaturity

With parental narcissism, there is always a significant amount of emotional immaturity. These parents are prone to emotional explosions when they don’t get their way, and they have no problem withdrawing affection (or stonewalling) when they are disappointed by children or partners. Narcissistic parents are reactive and don’t know how to control, address, or manage their emotions.

A need to shift the blame

People with narcissistic tendencies avoid accountability at all costs. It’s a threat to their ego. There is no difference between parental narcissism. These toxic parents don’t want to be accountable for their poor behavior. So, they blame-shift onto everyone else. Children and partners become responsible for the narcissistic parent’s emotions as a result.

Self-centering desires

It’s not uncommon to see children neglected in the care of a narcissistic parent. One of the primary drives behind parental narcissism is inherent selfishness. Everything is about meeting the narcissistic parent’s desires and keeping them placated. Their desires and emotional experiences are centered in every decision they make and action they take as a parent.

Projection and performance

Parental narcissism is all about the parent validating themselves through their children (and the world’s perception of those children). These parents live through their children. They see them as an extension of themselves. As such, they demand the child to perform for love and project all their desires and insecurities onto the child. This translates into an insecure adult with a low sense of self in the long term.

Forcing margins

There’s no clear path in the narcissistic family. While you are demanded to perform to a high standard, if you swing too high, you can be perceived as a threat. Once seen as competition, the narcissistic parent will position a child in a low place. They’ll even punish them. The point is to destroy self-esteem (and the respect others have for the child) to keep them in an inferior place. This parent never wants to be perceived as “less than” their children in any arena.

Eradicated boundaries

Boundaries cannot exist in relation to parental narcissism. Yes, narcissistic parents set lots of boundaries for themselves. They don’t do the same for others. Children are not allowed to have boundaries with these toxic parents. A pattern of enmeshment is common in these narcissistic-run households. Why? Boundaries are a threat to the narcissistic parent.

Factless superiority

If nothing else, the parental narcissist exists in a state of grandiosity and superiority. This manifests in different ways. If the parent is more covert, they will use victimhood and crisis to center themselves and make themselves the prime source of all attention and pity. If they are more overt, the parent will be domineering, boisterous, and controlling.

String-pulling emotion

Emotional manipulation comes naturally to a parent high in narcissistic traits. It’s the fastest and easiest way to foster codependency in a toxic relationship with their children. When someone is a parental narcissist, they will use their grief, sadness, anger, and insecurities to control the emotions of those around them. The point is to change behavior and/or get what they want out of their partners and children.

Justified delusions

Above and beyond anything else, parental narcissists live in a realm of delusion. That delusion informs everything from how they see themselves to how they interact with their children. This delusion also becomes their justification. If anyone crosses the line and voids the fantasy they want to live in, the narcissistic parent feels justified in destroying that person.

Parental narcissism comes with staggering long-term costs.

Parents who prioritize their own needs over the healthy development of their children create a sea of emotional consequences for those children.

A parent cannot operate in the manner described above without inflicting long-term and serious harm on their children. Even as adults, the scars linger. To break the spell and to become the empowered, self-possessed person these adults deserve to be they must first accept the damage that has been done.

1. Lacking sense of self

The worst damage done, in terms of parental narcissism, occurs within the child’s sense of self. It is never safe for a child to fully experiment with and explore who they are. While kids raised by emotionally healthy parents allow them to explore their boundaries, their likes and dislikes, it’s not the same reality for the children of narcissistic parents.

It is never safe to be true to one’s self in the presence of a narcissist who expects delusion and projection.

Raised by a narcissist, you are taught to minimize yourself as much as possible. The narcissistic parent must be allowed to take up all the room in the family if children (and partners) want to remain safe and avoid major drama.

So personal likes and dislikes are muted. Boundary lines are erased and everyone in the family learns to walk on eggshells and adjust their personality according to the narcissistic parents. Children never learn who they are, and they can grow into adults who lack a robust sense of self.

Without this sense of self, you find survivors of a narcissistic parent struggling with even the most fundamental tasks. They can find it hard to make decisions for themselves, navigate the challenges of self-directed careers, and (most importantly) form stable and healthy relationships.

2. Unstable relationships

These struggles with relationships often become the biggest long-term pain point of narcissistic abuse survivors. Because of the conditioning that occurs at the hands of their narcissistic parents, children of these families often repeat the same relationship patterns they were brought up in. That means they choose unstable partners, toxic and unsupportive friends, and a number of other parasitic social connections.

Relationship skills are seriously hindered by the constant manipulation and neglect experienced by the children of narcissistic parents.

Adult children of narcissistic parents are haunted by these toxic relationships. With low self-esteem and an alienated sense of self, they come to a place where they settle for subpar relationships and people who take far more than they give in return.

Over time, these toxic relationships reinforce all the warped and negative beliefs instilled by narcissistic parents. Survivors come to normalize the manipulative and volatile behaviors they were raised in, and they seek those same behaviors (consciously and subconsciously) in those they invest in mentally and emotionally.

3. Warped perceptions

When looking at the long-term effects of narcissistic parental abuse, one is forced to look at the bigger picture and the many patterns at play. This can’t be done without considering perceptions, and the way in which the worldview is altered by being raised in narcissistic delusion.

A parental narcissist does not see the world as it truly is. Instead, they see everything as a personal reflection of themselves. If good happens (good meaning what they desire or expect) their ego is unharmed and can retain a place of superiority. But if “bad” happens, the ego of the narcissistic parent is threatened.

In the home of the narcissistic parent, only one view exists. This warped perspective becomes the way child survivors are taught to see the world.

Negative occurrences, to the narcissist, are a reflection that they are somehow unworthy. It forces them to fear that the secret — which is that they are inherently insecure — will be let out. They must live in delusion to prevent this, and everyone around them must behave according to that delusion.

This is how the child of the narcissist is forced to see the world. Everything becomes a reflection of their parent, and they learn to see things as a reflection of their worth, too. This can leave these adult children seeking outside validation over everything else. They cannot truly see themselves and they see the world on the most superficial levels as well.

4. Toxic tendencies

There are many secrets that come with parental narcissism. Children of these parents learn to keep secrets well, even in adulthood. There is one big secret, however, that adult survivors of narcissistic parents don’t often like to face. What is it? That they pick up many of the behaviors and traits of the manipulative and destructive people who raise them.

The toxic behaviors and beliefs of the narcissistic parent necessarily become the outlook of the children they raise.

It cannot be avoided. We learn a lot of our behavioral patterns from our parents. It’s very much a case of monkey-see, monkey-do. If you grow up watching someone who is emotionally cruel and controlling, you learn some of those techniques and apply them when you feel likewise threatened.

For us to fully break the patterns, and to fully come to terms with what happened, we have to face these toxic tendencies in ourselves. It’s an unwanted inheritance that must be confronted. If better relationships and state of mind are sought, then the toxic tendencies you took on from your narcissistic parent must be confronted, accepted, and neutralized.

5. Tangible trauma

Parental narcissism leads to a volatile home life. There is rarely, if ever, a sense of emotional peace and stability in such a family. Conflict and negative emotions become a way of life. Children are burdened with the weight of impossible expectations before their brains ever have a chance to fully develop.

Emotional upheaval and outbursts scar children for life and can change the physical structures in their brains (and the rest of their nervous systems).

Trauma is unavoidable in such an environment. Children exposed early to screaming, yelling, extreme punishments, and emotional incest are traumatized. Their entire nervous systems are set into poor functioning patterns that follow them into adulthood.

This is why you see so many adult survivors of narcissistic abuse who struggle with anxiety, depression, chronic physical illness, and a host of other mental and physical conditions. Their bodies are damaged by the emotional trauma inflicted as a result of parental narcissism.

Can the damage ever be overcome?

It can feel harrowing. When you look at the extensive damage that is done by the narcissistic parent, it feels like there’s no coming back.

Coming back is exactly what is possible, however. Difficult though it may be to climb the path, survivors of narcissistic parents can tap into an authentic sense of who they are and who they want to be. Serious commitments have to be made. How fulfilled and at peace do you want to be? How valuable is that future to you? Empowerment cannot happen without an honest valuation.

1. Embracing a path of radical acceptance: In order to break the cycle of self-doubt and fear, a path of radical acceptance has to be embraced. Parents must be accepted for who they are, and childhood must be accepted for what it is. On this path, you can see what damage has really been done and you can create a plan to correct toward happiness.
2. Leaning into self-exploration: The sense of self that is denied to the child of a parental narcissist must be recovered. This sense of self is how we make effective decisions and choose things like good partners and good friends. You can’t take the right turns in life if you don’t know who you are, how you feel, and what you want.
3. Building a knowledgeable village: Parental narcissism isn’t some new-age, ethereal, philosophical experience. It’s a traumatic experience, which comes with concrete, scientifically-quantifiable trauma that damages the mind and the body. You need the support of a knowledgeable village around you in order to deal. (Think therapists, coaches, counselors, and experienced friends and family.)
4. Learning healthy relationship behaviors: Once you have secured the knowledge and language you need to address what really happened to you, you can lean into learning a new way to exist. Most importantly, you can learn new relationship behaviors which help you to correct the paranoid and delusional tendencies you may have inherited from the parental narcissist in your life.

Don’t think, for one second, that it’s possible to engage in a healing and restorative journey without a basic sense of self. Build and discover a sense of self-possession. Lean into the fun and passion of your life. Remember that you are lovable and worth having a life of your own.

Accept what happened to you, accept who your parent was and who they weren’t. Never for one moment, however, allow yourself to believe that this is a reflection of your worth. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and find professionals who can illuminate the path for you so you don’t get even more lost.

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Parental narcissism has clear, long-term effects which devastate children psychologically and socially for decades. Every corner of the child’s life is violated. Their relationships are damaged, both with themselves and with those they love. Without a strong sense of who they are, they can move through life in a perpetual state of confusion that makes it hard for them to function.

It is imperative that children of narcissistic parents are given the tools to overcome and survive. A great deal of that gift is in their own power. Radically accepting what happened, and learning new ways of connecting and seeing themselves, all add up to create a path forward into new patterns of love and belonging.

A belief in possibility is key. No matter how deep, or how dark, the night becomes…daylight is always just around the corner. A route to survival can be created once we break ties with warped expectations and the past. Everything begins with one small step toward a better future.

Champagne, F., & Meaney, M. J. (2001). Chapter 21 like mother, like daughter: Evidence for non-genomic transmission of parental behavior and stress responsivity. Progress in Brain Research, 287–302. doi:10.1016/s0079–6123(01)33022–4

Norman, R. E., Byambaa, M., De, R., Butchart, A., Scott, J., & Vos, T. (2012). The long-term health consequences of child physical abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect: A systematic review and meta-analysis. PLoS Medicine, 9(11). doi:10.1371/journal.pmed.1001349