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As we move into the future, more and more of us are talking openly about the experiences we had as children. This is no more apparent than in the world of narcissism. More and more adult survivors are stepping up and speaking up about childhood plagued by narcissistic parents. Interestingly, much of this conversation is beginning to center around the narcissistic mother.

Who is she? In this publication, we have talked about her ad nauseum. Narcissistic mothers are everywhere, and their haunted, hollow children roam the world in ghostlike stupors — repeating the same mistakes and patterns.

These candid conversations are helpful, but too many don’t go far enough. What are the deepest scars left by the narcissistic mother? More importantly, can we ever really heal them? There is so much nuance to the experience, and an incredible amount of pain too. Getting beyond it requires commitment and a deeper understanding of the narcissistic mother and the marks she leaves behind.

How does narcissism present in women?

Before you step into this next stage, dispel what you think you know about narcissism. Having NPD doesn’t guarantee grandiosity or even an overt sense of superiority. All narcissists are different and this is no more apparent than when you take a look at the female narcissist who becomes a mother.

The narcissistic mother is more than self-obsessed. She is an empty, black hole of a woman who creates a family around her to fill the voice. Her children do not exist to foster a better future. Everyone around the narcissistic mother exists to validate her and to provide her with image, comfort, and emotional validation — no matter the cost to them.

All of this is central to the narcissistic mother, but each woman goes about manifesting these traits differently. Environment, social expectations, and her own experiences are the root cause. Combining these factors, one generally sees narcissistic women fall into a few subtypes:

• Malignant: The malignantly narcissistic mother goes out of her way to wreak havoc in the lives of those around her. She cannot tolerate anyone having more than her or being happier than her. Sabotage is normal. Her children often go into the world without the life skills they need to survive. If they strive to give themselves better, their mother will intervene.
• Communal: Communal narcissists are one of the most dangerous subtypes. These individuals use their grand sense of virtue to center themselves in the middle of a large supply. The communal narcissist presents as a self-sacrificer and compassionate leader (often heavily involved in church, school, or local politics). In truth, everything they do is about supplying their ego. Anyone who threatens this is destroyed.
• Vulnerable: More commonly known as the “covert” narcissist, the vulnerable narcissist presents as someone in a constant state of victimhood. They demand pity from everyone around them and use this pity to manipulate the behavior of their friends, family, and coworker. The vulnerable narcissist, as a mother, is always in a state of crisis that someone has to rescue her from (usually her children or partner).
• Antagonistic: Not going as far as the malignant narcissist, the antagonistic narcissist is a toxic competitor. This mother is always in a state of rivalry — especially with her daughters. She must feel superior in all ways, and this creates a divide that sews their children up with insecurity and a sense of being unloved.

This is only a starting point. Personality disorders are incredibly complex, being created by the environment, genetics, and neurochemistry. While a narcissistic woman may be vulnerable with one person, you may find her antagonistic in another. Narcissism behaves differently in everyone it affects, and it changes their behavior in different ways.

What is constant is the damage that is done. The narcissistic mother is a ghost in the mirror. In public, she presents herself as ideal. She may pretend she is engaged and loving of her children, but that’s not the reality behind closed doors.

There, in the quiet of the home, there is emotional turmoil. Children of narcissistic women are never emotionally safe with their primary caretaker. Moments of healthy mother-child intimacy are shortly ruptured by outbursts, betrayal, and denial. Unless the child affirms the mother’s existence, mentally, emotionally, and physically, war will be waged.

The unseen effects of being raised by a narcissistic woman.

It’s highly unlikely that a child is raised by the parent above without being marred in some way. Narcissistic households are volatile and uncertain, even at the best of times. Growing up in that environment, children internalize a lot of unseen wounds which change who they are able to be as adults.

Destroyed sense of self

There are a lot of misconceptions about narcissism out there, and the greatest centers around the narcissist’s sense of self. Narcissists inherently have a weak sense of self. They are plagued by insecurities and totally defined by outward validation. Everything in their lives is decided by outward validation and soothing. They chase what they think other people want or expect of them.

Because they have a weak sense of self, the children of narcissists grow up with a weakened sense of self. There’s no room for them to explore authentically who and what they are. They must conform to their mother’s expectations or face her wrath and rejection.

Children of narcissists generally grow up with poor self-esteem and self-worth. If they don’t toe the line, and perform in school, church, public, or even private, then their narcissistic mother will be swift with a negative reaction. Nothing is ever good enough.

Becoming what their mother expects means that there is rarely a strong sense of personal identity in the sons and daughters of a narcissistic mother. Their mothers often saddle them with extreme emotional burdens as well, expecting their children to soothe their complex feelings. This, in turn, creates a parentified adult who feels responsible for everyone around them.

Limited boundaries

If there is one thing that the narcissistic mother won’t tolerate, it’s boundaries. Her children are not allowed to draw the line with her. Neither is anyone else in the immediate family unit. What she says goes — whether that happens through direct demands or irrational emotional responses that force the hands of everyone around her.

That’s a damaging way of life for her children. Little by little, they grow up to think they don’t have a right to protect or express their needs. Their mother pushes them around and creates the narrative that they must give entirely of themselves. Everyone can set the line with them, but they cannot draw the line with anyone else.

Without a healthy sense of saying “no” those children can fall into the cycle of abusive relationships…both at home and on the career front. They will grind themselves into pulp for the service of others, even if it means burning themselves down in the process. All of it begins in childhood when they aren’t able to protect themselves.

Off-center relationships

The relationship we have with our mothers is often our first reference point of deep, (platonic) intimate love. Our mothers are there from the very first moment and are expected to hold us in love and in self-respect. We learn how to connect with others based on how these connections with our mothers bloom. If this first bond is healthy, we are more likely to repeat that type of bond in adulthood.

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said for the children of narcissistic mothers. Whether communal, malignant, or vulnerable, the narcissistic mother teaches her children to have off-center and emotionally lopsided relationships. How could she teach anything else?

Children of narcissists spend their entire childhood tending to their parents emotionally. A child in a narcissistic home is always walking on eggshells and going out of the way to keep their narcissistic parent happy — even if that means creating a life that makes them miserable on the inside.

Sadly, this process repeats. Especially in their romantic relationships. The partners they choose often echo elements of their narcissistic mother. It’s common for these little survivors to grow into partnerships in which they do all the emotional labor and accept emotional abuse as “love”.

Emotional whirlwind

Narcissistic mothers are creatures of high emotion. Even if they don’t share positive emotions with their children, they are never afraid to delve into the negative. That works on multiple fronts. If she blows up and explodes when she’s unhappy, everyone around the narcissistic mother learns to do what she wants out of fear. If she collapses into grief or sadness, the effect is ultimately the same.

Living in this kind of emotional uncertainty is tough. Watching their mothers transition between unstable emotions, the children of narcissistic women fail to learn how to regulate their own emotions. It’s a game of monkey-see, monkey-do.

Narcissistic women are rarely good examples of emotional regulation, and that’s exactly what a parent is supposed to do. They are the first reference point through which their children learn what emotions are and how to handle them. If the narcissistic mother fails to control her feelings or process them, then how can her child?

Survivors of narcissistic mothers can find themselves dealing with a lot of emotional dysregulation throughout their lives. This is compacted by the amount of grief, rage, and rejection that the adult child goes out into the world battling.

Repeating patterns

The shadow of a narcissistic mother rarely ends when the relationship with her does. The scars linger for generations, and her children are sent out into the world repeating her patterns of regret, insecurity, and damage. No one knows this better than the child who survives her. Even if they project an image of perfection on the outside, the inside is chaos and ruins.

Life can become a mirage of the narcissistic mother unless conscious steps are taken to break the cycle. Think about it. Children of these women have few examples of healthy behaviors, healthy relationships, or high self-esteem. This leaves them at high risk of acting the same, reacting the same, and making the same choices as their narcissistic mothers.

It’s not uncommon for the children of narcissistic women to become narcissistic themselves. This holds especially true for the golden children, who receive a toxic mix of delusional affirmation and expectation. They expect the world to nurse them the way they nursed their mothers, but expectations like that lead them right into trouble.

Picking up the pieces for a different kind of future.

Despair is the natural place to go when confronting the harsh realities of a narcissist-haunted childhood. All the same, it does no good to dwell there. That’s particularly because recovery is possible. Even if damaged in the deepest places, where they are mostly unseen, survivors of narcissistic mothers can pick up the pieces and find some kind of better future.

• Face the truth: There is no recovery from the narcissistic mother unless radical self-acceptance is first embraced. One has to be able to see their mother for who they really were, without shame or judgment. It’s a deep knowing and a move toward self-determination. Once reality is accepted, concrete steps can be taken to address negative symptoms.
• Get substantial help: It’s nice to think that we can wave a magic wand and cure decades of narcissistic abuse. But that’s not how it works. Positive thinking isn’t going to help you rewire your brain and nervous system. That process needs to start with a substantial treatment plan provided to you by a therapist or someone qualified to get you on even grounds mentally, emotionally, and physically.
• Rebuild self-worth: Healing and recovery are impossible when there is no foundation of self-love and self-belief. Survivors have to have self-worth in order to set boundaries and pursue healthier behaviors or relationships. That means increasing confidence. Survivors can fast-track this by pursuing their passions and incorporating things that they’re good at into their daily routines.
• Love the inner child: Inner children are forever damaged by the poor behaviors and reactions of narcissistic mothers. In recovery, adult survivors have to learn how to love these inner children and shelter them. What does this mean? Going back and softening your childhood scars. How does one do that? By tapping into those things which create innocence, joy, and optimism in their day-to-day lives.
• Make better investments: Survivors of narcissists generally surround themselves with more narcissists. It’s a type of behavior that gets normalized. Correcting that calls for hard choices and even bolder action. In order to break the spell, iron-clad boundaries have to be set and some connections have to be broken. Better relationships should be invested in.

There are some important things to remember in this journey. First, the behavior of a narcissist has nothing to do with the children or their spouses. The negativity that compels them is their responsibility. They could be better, but they choose not to. Separate the pain they’ve inflicted from any core self-worth.

Lastly, it’s crucial to focus on that choice. While NPD can never be cured, intensive therapy can provide narcissists with self-awareness. Behaviors can be changed. If a narcissistic woman wanted to be better, she could be. There is not a lack of consciousness in the narcissist, there is a lack of empathy and a lack of willingness when it comes to others.

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Being raised by a narcissistic woman leaves one with a number of unseen wounds which can linger for a lifetime. Breaking the cycle is hard, but it is a worthwhile journey full of beauty and of love. As the adult children of narcissistic women, a better path can always be chosen and a better future can always be created.

Commit to that. More than this, commit to giving yourself everything a narcissistic mother could not. In this space, there is freedom. It is the freedom never allowed by the narcissist who held your childhood in thrall.

Embrace this new life, the inner child, and something more meaningful than the pain that haunts the past. There’s no magical finish line. No need to prove anything. That love you’ve been missing has always been deserved. Hold it tight and carry it into tomorrow.

Green A, MacLean R, Charles K. Female Narcissism: Assessment, Aetiology, and Behavioural Manifestations. Psychol Rep. 2022 Dec;125(6):2833-2864. doi: 10.1177/00332941211027322. Epub 2021 Jun 22. PMID: 34154472; PMCID: PMC9578082.