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We hear a lot about narcissists and their bad behavior, but what happens when the narcissist in your life isn’t quite as overt? Not all narcissists rage through life with the same self-centered swagger and bravado as the rest. To some, their dance for control is a quiet one waged in the shadows of passive-aggressive behavior, and subtly manipulative designs.

How do you handle the covert narcissist in your life? How do you spot them, and how do you deal with them once they’re identified? There’s a lot that goes into this process, but it begins with a radical dose of brutal self-honesty. You have to take off your rose-tinted glasses and see the other person as they truly are.

Then, you have to take resolute action in the name of your own wellbeing. After all, the narcissist in your life aren’t looking out for you. They’re looking out for themselves.

Not all narcissists are the same.

We’ve been sold a very particular image of the narcissist, and this image is usually that of a domineering, boisterous bully. Not all narcissists are created equal, though, and not all of them prefer to push people around in an outright way to get what they want. For some narcissists, subtle manipulation is passive-aggressive behavior is the only way to go. But how can we spot the signs of a covert narcissist before it’s too late?

The first step is understanding what a covert narcissist looks like. Though we’re used to the more overt standard of narcissism, the covert narcissist goes about grabbing power by subtly manipulating people around them for power. They still possess ideas of superiority and an incredible smugness, but they are able to mask it behind a socially acceptable veneer of humility or self-degradation.

If you’ve found yourself entangled with a covert narcissist, then you aren’t alone. Because they can mask their self-obsession, the covert narcissist is one who can easily charm us in order to achieve their goals. They show you the face you want to see, when you need to see it.

That’s why it’s so easy to overlook the reality of their personality until you’re stuck. Does it sound like you’re trapped with a narcissist you never recognized before? This is how you’re going to deal.

The subtle signs of covert narcissism you may have missed.

Do you know how to spot the signs of a covert narcissist in your life? Rather than moving through the world with a domineeringly charismatic persona, this narcissist has a much quieter way of masking and playing down their desire to control. From putting themselves down, to lacking in total empathy — these are the most common warning signs of covert narcissism that you probably missed.

Putting themselves down

We generally associate narcissists with a certain grandness of personality, but that’s not always the case. To some narcissists, this is clearly a path to alienation. So, instead, they engage in acts of humility to lure their victims into a false sense of comfort. Perhaps they deprecate themselves or pretend to be humble when someone compliments them. This is simple manipulation, though, as their ideas of superiority and smugness are still waiting quietly within.

Emotionally vacant

The covert narcissist, while putting on a show of humility, can also be emotionally vacant. Perhaps they don’t respond to environmental stimuli in the same way, or perhaps they mask their emotions in order to appear more stable and “normal”. Either way, they can see emotions as a hindrance that prevents them from getting what they want. That is not to say, though, that they can’t put on a show when what they want is on the line. It’s all about self-gratification when it comes to the narcissist — covert or overt.

Changing plans unexpectedly

Does the suspected narcissist in your life change plans often at the last minute? Do they cancel things, change the time, and call the shots altogether? This is a classic sign of the covert narcissist, and a classic power play that impacts a lot of their relationships. It’s a means of displaying to others that they are in charge, or otherwise in control. While they might bump plans for genuine reasons, they may do it for no reason at all as well.

Acting innocent

While the overt narcissist might occasionally accept their behavior (while squarely blaming you for causing it) the same cannot be said of the covert narcissist. These narcissists work in the shadows, so they require the image of them to be one that displays innocence and simpleness. When called out on their bad behavior, they will deny, deny, deny it. They are extremely sensitive to rejection and criticism; forcing them to act aggrieved when confronted with their poor choices.

Leaning into envy

What drives a narcissist? What pushes them to behave the way they do? Believe it or not, envy plays a big part in the way they make their decisions and life choices. This goes doubly for the covert narcissist. Their quiet views of personal superiority make envy their bread-and-butter. When they see other people getting something they perceive to be “theirs” it creates a fire within them that burns away, injuring those around them.

Passive-aggressive tendencies

Is there someone in your life who is extremely passive aggressive? When they don’t get their way, do they use snide remarks, silent treatment, or even outright manipulation to lash out? This is a classic sign of a covert narcissist, and one they use to get most of the things they want. Rather than outright lay claim to something, they prefer to manipulate others and bend them to their will in a long game. They’ll convince you that things going wrong are your fault, and they’ll pull at your emotions to get what they want.

Subtle smugness

Though the overt narcissist wears their superiority out in the open, the covert narcissist is far more subtle in the way they put themselves over others. This subtle smugness can be hard to read at first, but eventually outs itself due to the narcissists, seemingly compulsive need to tear down anyone who does better than them. Perhaps they turn cold when you achieve success, or they engage in snide, passive-aggressive behavior that wears down self-esteem — putting you squarely back “in your place” where they want you.

Lacking in empathy

All narcissists struggle with their emotions, because they have a hard time understanding those emotions in other people. They are perfectly willing to accept their own feelings, but they don’t understand that other people also have those thoughts and experiences. For this reason, narcissists of every caliber often lack in empathy. As usual, though, this symptom is more subtle in the covert narcissist. Their lack of empathy shows not so much in their actions and words as it does their inaction. They aren’t interested in helping others, unless it has some benefit to them.

How to deal with the covert narcissist in your life (the right way).

Don’t allow the covert narcissist in your life to rule your heart or your mind. Protect your wellbeing and start sticking up for yourself and doing it the right way. Re-enforce your desire for respect, civility, and space by setting some boundaries and looking at an entirely new way to communicate.

1. Begin phrasing things as “we”

Consider the last time you had a conversation or confrontation with the covert narcissist in your life. If things got heated, then chances are there was a lot of blame language being thrown around and phrases like, “If you hadn’t done X, then I wouldn’t have been forced to do Y.”

While this blame language might remove a sense of responsibility from our shoulders, it also irritates communication channels and makes it harder for our messages to reach one another. It corrodes our level of openness so we have to strive to avoid this language whenever (and wherever) we can.

Lean hard into the plural “we” as much as possible when talking to the narcissist in your life. This is a technique that has been shown to improve the interactions that narcissists have with others and helps them to associate greater understanding and meaning to their relationships. Speak of your collective feelings as a team, and how negative events impact you both as a whole.

2. Communicate using the ABC’s

While communication is a key part of any relationship, it can become a challenge when dealing with a narcissist of any sort. This is especially true when it comes to talking about things like behavior and how their behavior impacts those around them. Emphasizing the “we” of it all can only go so far. In order to effectively explain to them how their poor actions are adversely affecting others, we have to communicate using the ABC’s.

The ABC Technique is one that has been proven to help narcissists better understand where you’re coming from. First, you address the affect or how you’re being impacted by their action. Explain your feelings and describe (in detail) any physical effects and setbacks.

Next, you move on to “B” — addressing the behavior. The focus here must be the actions of the narcissist, and the behavior that’s causing you to feel hurt, angry, or insecure. Tell them explicitly what they’re doing to affect you, but avoid any blaming language that might cause irritation.

Finally, explain to them what corrections you need them to make (this is “C”). Describe how their corrected behavior will impact your relationship with them, and how they will benefit from smoothing things over.

3. Stop rewarding bad behavior

So many people allow the narcissists around them to rule the roost because of their toxic and destructive behavior. No matter what type of narcissist you are dealing with, they will all revolt when denied what they want. This rejection to hand, they’ll often lash out and strike out — injuring anyone and everything in their pass.

Doing this, they intimidate friends and family who immediately give in just to stop the destructive path of the storm. It’s no way to live, but rewarding bad behavior seems easier than standing up for the good.

Don’t allow yourself to give in to their demands and temper tantrums for even one more day. Commit to doing the right thing for both yourself and the narcissist in your life. They need to learn their place in this world, right alongside everyone else. They can’t use others, and they can’t have their way through threats and malicious outbursts.

When you tell your narcissist, “No,” stick to it. Don’t give in to their demands just because they become irritated, angry, or irrational. Lean into those boundaries you’ve worked so hard to establish and all of them to carry you forward. Stand by your word and the decisions you have to make for yourself.

No one has a right to push you around or make you unhappy. Anyone that truly cared for you would respect that and do what they could to honor it.

4. Don’t fall for the change trap

So many of us cling to relationships that are dead in the water because we think we can change things. We might believe we can change the other person and the way they see the world. Or, we might believe we can shift the world around them. Both assumptions are wrong, however. The only person we are capable of changing is ourselves.

Don’t fall for the change trap unless you want to be stuck with the covert narcissist forever.

You cannot change the narcissist in your life. You can’t heal them. You can’t fix them. You’re not responsible for making them a better person, or more adept at understanding others. Your responsibility is to yourself and your mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing and future.

By falling for the change trap, we keep ourselves stuck, complacent, and otherwise miserable in a power dynamic that makes us feel worse. The narcissist who convinces you they will change for you, is the narcissist that’s convinced you to remain in their trap forever.

When it comes down to the truth, always trust actions over words. Are they showing any willingness to heal themselves? To be better than they were? Yes or no, their journey is not your burden.

5. Define your personal space

Personal space is so crucial to the narcissist-infected relationship. Our personal space allows us to reconnect with our needs and our heart, so that we can reground ourselves and get clarity on what we want. It’s a recharging tool and a perspective tool as well. When we fall back into our personal space (and sense of boundaries) we often see our relationships with others in an entirely different light.

Carve out room for yourself in your dealings with the covert narcissist. Don’t allow them to overwhelm you, or corner you into accepting their manipulative rule. Take time for yourself and do it regularly — apart from them and without their interference.

Use this space to explore your interests and passions. Use it to re-engage with friends and family you haven’t opened up to in a long time. Define some boundaries for yourself in this space and get very clear on what you are and aren’t willing to accept from the people who fill your life. Still find that it’s not enough. Increase this personal space to enable yourself to walk away into a better life and a better partnership.

Putting it all together…

Narcissists are all the rage these days, with articles popping up about them on every platform imaginable. What happens, though, when the narcissist in your life isn’t the swaggering braggadocio we’ve all been conditioned to view as the “typical narcissist”? Covert narcissists are everywhere and just as damaging. Spotting the signs of them in our life is only a first step, though. We must also take action to protect ourselves against them.

Try phrase things using the term “we” whenever you’re speaking with a narcissist. It helps them to engage their own limited emotions and see your point of view alongside their own self-interest. When it comes to the big stuff, though, try using the ABC technique in order to effectively communicate what’s going wrong and what you need them to fix.

Stop rewarding their bad behavior and opt to walk away rather than give in when they’re pressuring you or engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. Whatever you do, don’t fall for the change trap. While a cover narcissist might promise change in your name, it’s just another manipulation. We are the only ones who can change ourselves, and we don’t do it for others — we do it for us.

Break away from this need to “fix” them and lean into your personal space instead. Remember what it feels like to be free and in control of your own thoughts and emotions.

Jauk E, Weigle E, Lehmann K, Benedek M, Neubauer AC. The Relationship between Grandiose and Vulnerable (Hypersensitive) Narcissism. Front Psychol. 2017 Sep 13;8:1600. doi: 10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01600. PMID: 28955288; PMCID: PMC5601176.