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My mother was a narcissist and she loved to use guilt to conceal her worst behaviors. One day, she crossed the line with me and ended up taking a belt to me until I vomited all over myself. A few days later, confronted by a family member, she apologized...but not before telling her twelve-year-old daughter, “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t made me angry.”

This is how my mother taught me to internalize guilt for the abuses she inflicted on me. It’s not a unique tactic. As a matter of fact, guilt is the weapon of choice for many narcissistic people.

They blame shift and minimize until their victims learn to feel bad about everything — their bodies, their emotions, their needs, and their hurts. All of it becomes a source of shame that changes the way they react to and interact with their narcissistic abuser and captor.

Narcissistic people use different tactics to stay on top.

Internet resources continue to reinforce the idea that a narcissist is a die-hard braggart. Movie stars, pop psychology “experts”, the whole gamut still point to grandiose narcissism as the only kind of narcissism in the world. The human personality, however, is far more complex than that. Personality disorders are even more so.

Narcissistic traits manifest in different ways, fluctuating with time, need, and audience. Grandiose narcissists can learn that their over-the-top approaches are repulsive, so they can adopt a softer approach. Narcissists within certain social brackets go the same way. They learn that focusing on victimhood gives them more power over others.

Enter the covert, or vulnerable, narcissist.

Shying away from the light of overt narcissism, they learn to manipulate people on a more emotional level. They exhibit all the same intentions as a grandiose narcissist, but the path to their worst behaviors manifests more subtly through trauma, crisis, and a victim mindset.

To see the true intentions behind these behaviors you must understand their nuance first.

• Grandiosity: To be grandiose, the narcissist may become an air-sucking braggart. Or, they may adopt a more “vulnerable” approach. Overt grandiosity changes to covert victimhood. The narcissist who chooses this path always has a crisis for other people to solve and tries to one-up other people with their pain, suffering, trauma, and victimhood.
• Admiration: Narcissists don’t only seek the admiration of a clapping audience. A smaller supply will do for covert narcissists, who seek admiration in the form of pity from those who view them as helpless (when they are truly manipulators).
• Empathy deficit: Across the board, narcissists lack the full extent of emotional empathy. Oh, there’s cognitive empathy. The narcissist knows what empathy is and knows how to perform it when they need to connect with someone or maneuver them in specific storylines.
• Outward validation: Narcissistic people spend their lives chasing an outward sense of self. They pursue the standards and goals they believe others expect, in an effort to hide their insecurities and “fit in”. Some get this by taking what they want and performing grand ambition. Others, however, are happy to perform as a victim so that others hand it to them.
• Zero boundaries: Grandiose narcissists violate boundaries violently, and openly. The covert narcissist is different. For them, the violations are more emotional. This is seen in the trauma-dumping habits of many vulnerable narcissists. Unable to self-soothe, they ooze negativity onto others demanding exhaustive amounts of emotional labor.

The narcissist doesn’t have to be a world-conquering, boisterous monster. To center themselves in the stories, narcissists are able to pack their egos down into palatable victim-sized packages. Pathetic plays well with those who are loose with their pity. The price is paid, however, when victims wake up and realize a game has been played.

How does the narcissist use guilt against their victims?

Guilt is a powerful tool for a narcissistic person. It doesn’t only allow them to punish and control people around them. Guilt and shame are the perfect tools that help narcissists protect themselves from any kind of serious accountability. That’s the ultimate aim. Narcissists seek to control their environments and everyone in them by any means possible.

Bringing back the past

Nothing makes you feel worse than when someone brings up the mistakes you made in the past. It doesn’t matter how much you have changed or how hard you’ve worked to become a better person. When someone throws your old shortcomings and screwups in your face, it makes you feel a sense of shame and deep guilt.

Narcissistic people love to bring up past mistakes in an effort to make you feel that guilt. The shame associated with it works for them. When you feel guilty and ashamed of yourself, you’re less likely to hold them accountable for anything they’ve done wrong.

In the face of past mistakes, we can be convinced that we’re still that old person. Narcissistic people weaponize these old wounds to create doubt in you and to put themselves in a place of superiority. If they can make you feel guilty, they can convince you that you’re worthless and less than them.

Creating crisis

People with narcissistic personality disorder are masterful manipulators. They spend their lives spotting the patterns and nuance of human behavior, and they learn how to angle themselves, their lies, and their desires in such a way that controls the people around them. For more vulnerable narcissists, creating a crisis is a great way to achieve all of the above.

It’s incredibly common to find narcissists who start fires in their own lives.

They walk headfirst into crisis after crisis. Every time you turn around, they are asking you to rescue them — whether that be emotionally or financially. Their messes are easily avoidable but never missed, and they always become the responsibility of someone else.

Why would a narcissist do this? If they have such a grandiose opinion of themselves, why put themselves in such a powerless position?

Understanding the perspective of a narcissist is key. Narcissists don’t see rescue as a lack of power. When they call you in to rescue them, to pick up the pieces for them, they are claiming dominion over you.

They create messes so you feel pity for them. Once you feel that pity, you become malleable. It’s easy to coerce you and to get you to change your behavior (or do something for them).

The guilt mingled within that pity is the motivating force. Walking away feels like a crime when a narcissist is engaged in full victim mode. That’s how they make you move mountains without a single demand. This guilt makes you do the heavy lifting for them. They play the perfect victim.

Shifting the blame

Blame shifting is a common tactic in most narcissistic relationships. A narcissistic person will rarely, if ever, take true accountability for the bad things they do. To take on the blame would shatter their egos, which are incredibly fragile and tied to secret insecurities and a deep sense of shame.

In order to avoid ego death, narcissistic people shift blame onto those around them. They saddle their partners, their spouses, their children, and everyone else around them with a deep, impenetrable sense of guilt.

They blame you for the mistakes they made entirely within their own decisions and power. You didn’t help me study, so I failed the test. You didn’t type up an application for me, so I didn’t get a good job. You made me angry, so I hit you.

Worse, they make everyone around them responsible for their emotional states. If the narcissist is angered by something that happens at work, they will come home and take it out on you. If they aren’t feeling fulfilled, at peace, self-satisfied, or otherwise confident, they will look to you to provide that to them (even if they have to bully you to get it).

Emotional backlash

If you have been in a relationship with a narcissist, what happened when you went to them with feelings? The narcissist could be an intimate partner or a parent. What happened when you tried to explain your emotions to them, or when you looked for support in an emotional matter (especially one which involved them)?

In most cases, it’s found that the narcissist dismisses those emotions. Whether happy, sad, or frustrated, they tend to dismiss the way their friends and partners feel, while minimizing those feelings in such a way that the other person experiences guilt for having the emotions at all.

Narcissistic people are well aware of their own feelings, and they demand that everyone around them hold space for those feelings. That is not a favor that is returned, though. No one else gets the same respect, and their emotions are seen both as a threat and an inconvenience.

This is the process by which the narcissist creates guilt in you. They teach you to be ashamed of your feelings and they embarrass you for “wasting their time” with those emotions. Eventually, you learn to bury your feelings away and to keep them far from the attention of the narcissistic person (and often yourself).

Affectionate wasteland

So far, there has been a focus on literal communication and the way narcissistic people use words and experiences to create guilt. There are much more subtle behaviors, however, that can bring about the same results. Narcissistic people are creative and they know how to take a conflict and make you the bad guy in so many ways.

Consider the last time you got into an argument with your narcissist. Maybe you called out something they did or something they said. Perhaps they made such a big mistake that there was no getting out of it or making excuses. Confronting them comes with a high price.

Some narcissists will shut down and withdraw affection entirely in order to make you feel guilty for the confrontation. It doesn’t matter if you were in the right. To threaten the ego of a narcissist is to give them justification to “punish you”.

Many narcissistic people will do this by giving their loved ones silent treatment. Instead of warm and loving partners or parents, they become cold, isolated, and eerily silent. It triggers every insecurity of the person they are trying to punish. Once in the right, they begin to feel bad, unloved, and unwanted after days of this type of punishment.

The sulking narcissist can convince the other person to move from accountability to groveling. If you’re the person targeted, you end up feeling guilty for confronting the initial issue at all.

Petty projections

Narcissistic people tell on themselves by projecting onto other people. They can’t help but do it. If they are thinking of betraying you with someone else, they will pick a fight with you and accuse you of cheating on them first. Or, they will become paranoid and accuse everyone in your lives of being dishonest cheaters.

Their insecurities are always indicated in their judgments of others. They paint people they don’t like with the worst brushes, the same brushes they paint themselves with when they’re all alone.

Narcissists create guilt in their victims when they do this. In the middle of a fight, they may accuse the other person of being a liar. They may bring up lies from the past or suspected lies in the present, all in an attempt to cover up their own misdeeds. In the end, they get away with it and their victim is the one who feels bad about unrelated experiences.

What are the best ways to safeguard against a narcissist’s guilt trips?

To be in a relationship with a narcissist means to encounter guilt. There’s no avoiding it. If the narcissist in your life is your partner, a parent, a child, a coworker, or a friend, they will eventually use guilt against you or escape being accountable to you. What can you do to protect yourself from this major manipulation? The answer lies in questions, intentions, and taking the initiative to change the dynamic for yourself.

Question legitimacy

The first step in battling a guilt trip has to be a question of legitimacy. Sometimes, we play a part in the guilt that we’re feeling. Acknowledging that role and taking accountability can be the quickest way to shift the discomfort that we’re in. (Think the only way out is through.)

The problem is when this guilt is weaponized. When someone else uses it as a barb to change our behaviors or emotions in a negative way.

If someone is making you feel guilty about something intentionally, question whether or not it’s a legitimate claim. Look at it from the eyes of an outside, third party. Do you really deserve to be crucified, or are there deeper intentions at play for the other person?

Look for intentions

Once you figure out how much of the guilt is really yours to take on (or not; remember that 90/10 split) you can consider the intentions of the guilt at play. Sure, when we mess up we deserve to feel a little guilt. It helps us to learn our lesson and avoid similar missteps in the future. Some people use guilt against us, though, not to help us learn a lesson but to manipulate or control.

What are the intentions of the person making you feel guilty? If you suspect they are a narcissistic person, you may spot a pattern. More often than not, they issue guilt trips when they want you to do something, or when they want to avoid something they don’t want to take on.

Is the guilt only thrown in your face when you ask the other person to be accountable for something they did wrong? Do they bring up your past mistakes when you’re trying to deal with an issue in the present moment? That’s deflection, and it indicates intentions that are less-than-pure.

Don’t beat yourself up

Beating yourself up over guilt is one of the worst things you can do. This becomes even more true when engaged with a narcissistic personality. they will use this opportunity to push you into a pattern of self-sabotage. To the narcissist, it is better that you destroy yourself than they directly destroy you.

Don’t fall into that pattern. Instead of self-flagellation, choose to lean in and respond compassionately. Guilt is not an end-all and be-all. Messing up does not mean you are worth less or unlovable. To be human is to get it wrong. It is to be imperfect.

Let the narcissist see you rise above the guilt, rather than crumbling to it. Take away the power of the weapon by deweaponizing your guilt with grace.

Make serious changes

You can’t keep living in cycles of guilt. It’s not realistic. If you spend every day with someone who uses your most vulnerable moments to weaken you, there can be no real emotional trust and even less emotional closeness. That’s no way to live, and it will take a toll on your mental and physical health.

You’ve got to make some serious changes. This will look different to everyone. Some of you will have to walk away from the narcissistic person who is injuring you. You’ll have to put those relationships on ice, take a step back, and give yourself enough emotional distance to protect yourself (even if that means compartmentalizing that connection in a different way).

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Guilt is a natural emotion to experience when we have made a true mistake, or caused harm we didn’t intend. It can be a powerful learning tool, and it can teach us to be better versions of ourselves. Unfortunately, that same guilt can be weaponized by narcissistic and toxic people, to manipulate and control our emotions and our behavior.

We have to stand strong in the face of this weaponization and hold tight to our own truths. No one deserves to have their weakest moments used against them or to carry all the blame in a battle with more than one party. Take heed and protect yourself from that kind of abuse. Refuse to be a dumping ground for someone else’s guilt, shame, and insecurities.

Green, A., & Charles, K. (2019). Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation. Sage Open, 9(2). https://doi.org/10.1177/2158244019846693