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Though we often think of bullying as a children’s plague, playground taunting and teasing don’t end at the edge of the schoolyard. Jerk kids grow up to be bullying adults, creating a never-ending cycle of suck that makes our lives (and the world) a more miserable place.

While some bullies can be escaped, some can’t. When your perpetual bully is the family member you must see over Thanksgiving dinner and summer family picnics, you must learn how to deal with them to survive. If you’ve got an inescapable intimidator in your life, learn how to distance yourself and safeguard your well-being by mastering the simple techniques that keep you safe and sane — even when you can’t cut them out completely.

How bullying breaks you down.

No matter what age we experience bullying, or who we experience it from, it’s dangerous and destructive to who we are at our core. People set on intimidating others know that the best way to do that is by focusing on something unique and preying on it until it becomes an insecurity. Once those insecurities are out in the open, they know they can extort them to conceal their own, and the pain they’re suffering from.

Once we become insecure, we become vulnerable to the vicious machinations of the bully. It’s kind of like a doorway, leaving a hole for their malicious intent to leak through and poison the waters of our self-esteem. We start to internalize their teasing and their taunting and when that happens we become self-critical.

When the negative inner voice takes over, we start to change ourselves to avoid the bullying. We bleach our skin, cut and dye our hair, or date people we aren’t interested in — all to try and invalidate the insecurities that were planted in us by our eternal tormentors. Little by little we slip down a rabbit hole of despair until we’re left broken and hopeless, with a destroyed sense of self as well as diminished mental and physical health.

Why family bullies do what they do.

Even if you know you’re being bullied, you have to understand the behavior before you can effectively combat it. There are a plethora of reasons that people engage in bullying or intimidating behavior and they’re not all created equal. The first step in dealing with your bully is understanding them and the reasons behind their dramatic and destructive actions.

Alleviating traumatic historical pain

On average, those who intimidate others are far more likely to have experienced a stressful or traumatic situation in the past 5 years. Some traumatic events that might lead someone to bully can include the split-up of parents or family, the death of a relative, or even the estrangement of a sibling or loved one. Negative behaviors such as violence, bullying, or alcohol abuse can become a way for the bully to mask the issues that are bothering them and numb the pain that permeates their lives.

Disjointed or broken relationships

Those who feel insecure in their friendships, romantic partnerships, or family relationships will often engage in bullying behaviors to push away the people that surround them. This is a defense mechanism that falls along the lines of “push them away before they can leave,” and allows the injured party to protect themselves by burning others before they can get burned. It can also shift any discomfort or unhappiness they’re feeling by utilizing the bully’s favorite toy: projection.

A difficult home life

Growing up in a home in which parents or guardians didn’t have enough time can lead us to become adults who are damaged and vindictive. Those we perceive as bullies are far more likely to have come from broken or dysfunctional homes, and they are also far more likely to have experienced violence in their distant (or even recent) past.

A failure to learn that love can be unconditional is destructive to who we are at our core. If you’re dealing with someone particularly vicious, take a look at their past. Chances are, you’d find something that would break your heart.

Low self-esteem

When people feel bad about themselves, they often try to make themselves feel better by putting down the people around them. This allows them to avoid the negative attention that might otherwise fall on their flaws and allows them to redirect it onto someone else. This projection is, of course, false — however — and extremely self-destructive in the long run.

Societal pressure

Though bullying is absolutely a genderless problem, we often see an increase in bullying in societies which push an idea of ideal “maleness” or the need for a certain type of “quiet strength” that robs us of our natural emotions. For many men around the globe, emotions are a no-no.

The minute they start to speak up about the way they feel, they’re told to “man up” and stop being so emotional. This leads to internalized feelings of guilt and self-hatred that manifest in violent or aggressive behavior — behaviors that are often already encouraged and idolized in those same societies.

How to deal with the bully in your family.

When the bully is a sibling, a parent, or even a cousin or grandparent, they’re often inescapable; someone who is a part of our core group or the very fabric of our personal life. Figuring out how to deal with someone you can’t cut ties with is hard, but it is possible with a little know-how and even more courage.

1. Accept where your control lies

The first step in dealing with the bully you cannot excise (like the one who is in your family) is accepting that you cannot control how other people treat you — only your reaction to that treatment. In that knowledge is power, but it can be a painful process to come to that acceptance.

Accepting that your reaction is the only controllable thing also means accepting that the other person is choosing to engage in the behavior they’re engaging in.

While it sounds cliche, there is little we can do when it comes to controlling the actions of others. No matter how nice we play or how far we go in compromising ourselves, some people are just too broken to be nice and we have to accept that.

The only thing you can control in this life is your reaction to people like this. Rather than letting yourself lash out with a knee-jerk reaction, take some time to simmer down, and don’t let your emotions rise to their mean or vindictive attacks. Address the issue in a calm and measured manner and don’t forget to cling tight to your empathy, remembering that hurt people hurt people.

Let go of any attachment to what they’re saying or what they’re feeling. We are responsible for ourselves and ourselves alone. If they’re bullying you, it’s because they’re choosing to do so.

2. Don’t lose your boundaries in empathy

Difficult people are unpleasant to deal with, but when they’re a family member, we don’t always have the option of cutting and running from their endless provocations. The empathy we feel for a family member can often keep us chained to behavior we wouldn’t put up with from other people, but it’s important to stay true to our boundaries to protect ourselves.

If you’re dealing with a bully who’s got you in a corner, practice empathy but stand your ground — and don’t let anyone mistake your kindness for a welcome mat. Stop letting them cross the line just because they’re family.

Stand up for yourself. Speak your mind, but allow yourself to speak from a place of empathy and make sure you’re always focused on your true intentions. Don’t allow anyone to walk all over you. No matter who they are. Spend time firming up your boundaries, and getting to know them inside out. Once you know where your boundaries are, you can communicate them to the other person and stand strong beside them no matter what.

3. Treat them with respect — even if they don’t do the same

Even though we might hate the person that bullies us and makes our lives miserable, it’s important to treat them with the same respect that we’d want to be treated with ourselves. At the end of the day, they are a part of the family and (more than likely) loved or respected by someone else in your family.

Hold yourself above their taunting and their teasing and maintain respect as the theme, no matter what they bait you to do. Have enough respect for yourself to hold firm to your boundaries and stick up for the treatment you deserve. At the same time, have enough respect for the other person (or perhaps the person who loves them) to be civil in the way you deal with them.

Sure, we might bash this person in the privacy of our own homes, but that has no place in public and it has no place in the heat of a disagreement. As emotionally healthy and mature adults, we have to treat everyone with respect and we have to learn how to do it no matter how charged or angry a situation might be.

Don’t drop to their level, and don’t revert to ugly, belittling, or otherwise worthless language that detracts from the ultimate goal you’re trying to achieve: a peaceful and loving family environment where everyone can get along.

4. Find the hidden agenda

More often than not when someone is bullying us it’s because there’s an underlying insecurity that we trigger in them. While they might tease and bash you for your looks, your intelligence, or even the job you have, when you dig a little deeper you often find the root of the taunting comes from their own insecurities or inferiority complexes around those issues.

That’s why you always have to look for the hidden agenda and always take a second look before reacting out of anger, spite, or even hurt. Perhaps your endless intimidator is jealous or maybe they’re struggling with an undiagnosed mental health disorder.

Being emotionally or mentally unstable can seriously undermine our well-being and cause us to lash out at others in ways that destroy our empathy.Try to remember that bullies (more often than not) use the people around them as scapegoats for their pain and insecurities. Don’t take the bait and take the fall for their internal struggles. Look for the hidden agenda and protect your peace of mind.

5. Keep as much distance as you can.

Space is one of the most powerful weapons in our arsenal when it comes to dealing with toxic and bullying family members. No written law says we have to remain forever in the company of someone who hurts us, and no law says we have to engage with them socially, physically, emotionally, or mentally. When we truly want to break down a bully — space is often the answer.

Just because you can’t cut someone out completely doesn’t mean you can’t create enough space to protect yourself. If you have to interact with the person who’s trying to undermine your self-confidence, spend as little time with them as possible, keeping your distance the rest of the time through a no-see, no-speak policy.

Don’t ruffle their feathers and don’t feed their need for conflict by giving them the comments and backbiting they desire. Keep it cool and keep it casual; while keeping the space you need to protect your peace and emotional wellbeing. Remember: being in the same physical space as them does not mean you cannot also create distance.

Don’t give them answers, don’t give them glimpses into your life, and don’t give them any information that matters to you in any way. Answer them as you would a stranger on the bus. Keep it short, keep it hollow, and don’t engage the inevitable prodding. You don’t owe them anything.

6. Speak, listen, disengage

Allowing yourself to be bombarded by verbal attacks — whether it comes from a parent, a sibling, or some other family member — is hurtful and self-defeating, so you have to learn how to speak up, listen to whatever their response might be and then disengage entirely, and as appropriate.

Stand your ground, but listen first before you let yourself respond from a place of emotion. Everyone wants to be heard, so listen to your bully’s grievances, putting a stop to it when it crosses the line into hurtful or self-defeating territory. Once you’ve given them time to voice their opinions, voice your own, but know how to walk away when the conversation is no longer serving a purpose.

Move on and disengage from the issue once it starts to feel like both parties are moving through the mud. If either one of your are repeating yourselves or you find the conversation lowering in tone, it’s time to unplug and call it quits.

Sometimes you have to walk away, but you need to listen and speak your peace first. Get the feelings and the words out on the table, then leave them to be digested by the person they were meant for…while you digest your own emotional and mental responses.

7. Attempt to build better rapport

Building a rapport with other members of your family can help to improve situations with family bullies that are inescapable (for example Christmas dinners). The more you show your genuine self to those around you, the more they will connect with you and offer support when things get rough with your bully. When they see you for who you truly are, they will better be able to see who the other person is too.

If your bully is a family member who can’t be cut off, try to reach out to other (more open-minded) family members and focus on building your relationships with them. There’s no such thing as having too many friends in the heat of battle and, often, having the pressure of a perceived “society” at our back can help turn the tide or discourage our tormentors from engaging in their nastier behaviors.

Rather than wasting all your time and energy on someone who is not willing or able to change, attempt to build better relationships with other members of your family and use those relationships as the shield by which you safeguard your place within that family. No one has the right to push us out of the hearts of other people. Build better relationships with those who are closest to the heart of what’s going on, and let those be the warmth you need to deal with your bully’s antics as they come.

8. Acknowledge that you’ve been bullied and make your recovery a priority

Victims of family bullying struggle with the effects for days and years to come because — more often than not — they spend years trying to minimize the intimidation or force things through a rose-tinted point of view. Part of dealing with a bully (especially one who lurks in the family unit) is acknowledging that you’re being bullied in the first place and making your recovery a priority.

When we don’t resolve the issues caused by the stress of intimidation, we can develop anxiety and panic disorders and even eating disorders, as well as a host of other symptoms including insomnia, headaches, and even random aches and pains.

Stop succumbing to those feelings of guilt and shame and acknowledge that someone has taken advantage of you and the things that make you special. Stop believing that things would be different if you just tried a little harder or looked a little different. In the eyes of your family bully you will always be less than they are. Your feelings will never matter.

Take back your power and reclaim your control by accepting that someone has hurt you. Only when you accept that you’re on the losing end of a bad situation can you start to heal and get back in touch with the strong, complex, and beautiful person who’s hiding deep down inside.

Putting it all together…

Unfortunately, bullying doesn’t stop when we leave our childhood behind. Being able to identify and assert ourselves in bad situations is one of the keys to being successful adults and this skill is most often developed by dealing with the adult bullies we can’t escape.

Whether your perpetual bully is a family member or a co-worker, there are some nasty people that we just can’t escape. But we can deal with them using a few simple techniques and some radical self-acceptance.

Acknowledge that you’ve been bullied and allow yourself to recover in a space that is both safe and secure. Accept that the only thing you can control in this situation is your reaction and practice empathy — while standing your ground. We have to listen to the people who hurt us, but we also have to give ourselves the space and distance that we need to respond appropriately.

Don’t let your family bully get the best of you. Make your other (better) relationships a priority, create as much space as you can, and make your happiness and healing a priority. Put them in their place and stick up for yourself once and for all by remembering that no one has the right (or the power) to put you down. You are as strong or as weak as you believe you are. Stick up for yourself and start living the peace-filled life you deserve.

deLara, E. W. (2022). Family Bullying in Childhood: Consequences for Young Adults. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 37(3-4), NP2206-NP2226. https://doi.org/10.1177/0886260520934450