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It’s not a competition, but as a child, no one had a bigger fear of rejection than me. Even from a young age. Some of the earliest memories I have are of struggling, vainly, to keep my head above water in the eyes of someone else. I was always performing (literally and figuratively) to keep the hearts in the room swinging in my favor. It makes sense when you realize I was adopted and raised by a narcissist.

That’s why I ended up being such a perfectionist. By the time I was 15, I was in 6 extra-curricular activities. By 17 I had just about doubled that and was even doing job shadowing with a prestigious neurosurgeon in a neighboring city. At 18, I won a national debate competition, was captain of the varsity soccer and rugby teams, and even several offers for full-ride scholarships (including one for playing trumpet).

On the outside, I looked like a bonified success. No one could fathom how a woman like my mother had raised me. But no one saw the burnout coming, or the root beneath all that “success”…crippling anxiety, endless trauma, and a terrifying fear of being rejected by the people I loved most.

What does a fear of rejection look like?

My experience is not unique. Children of childhood trauma often grow up to deal with an over-the-top fear of rejection. It’s a natural process when you consider the realities.

People who have a genuine “fear of rejection” are those with a diabolical terror of being left on their own. It leads to a life-long chase. Many spend their lives tending to the needs of others, rather than seeing to their own. Add it all up and it can manifest in someone by:

• Creating a people-pleasing personality
• Choosing unhealthy relationships
• Finding it impossible to say “no”
• Slipping into codependent behaviors
• Concealing true emotions
• Taking on too much at work
• Over-extending for loved ones
• Becoming a perfectionist
• Burning rather than failing

The person who fears rejection at their core is a person who fears life (and relationships). More and more, they exist in a state of self-doubt. Many are certain that they are unlovable, and undesirable. Most overcompensate by burning themselves out in the pursuit of making others happy.

You can find the person with the greatest fear of rejection in the people pleaser. The person who never says no, be that at work or in their personal relationships. They go, go, go for anyone and everyone but themselves. All in a desperate attempt to prove to themselves, and the world, that they are worth loving indeed.

Who do you think sits at the greatest risk for developing this fear of rejection? Is it something that starts in adulthood, as we experience the brutalities of life? No. Our fear of rejection begins earlier. In the midst of dysfunctional and traumatic childhoods.

How is fear of rejection created from childhood trauma?

Childhood trauma is a uniquely painful experience for each child. That pain can be carried with them through life and manifested through their relationships and life choices. This trauma sustained so early on really changes the way survivors see themselves and the world around them. Specifically, it can create a tremendous fear of rejection that minimizes and dilutes the survivor’s experiences.

Inability to express emotion

When a child is traumatized, they are exposed to intense emotions they don’t really know how to process. Their brains and bodies aren’t developed enough to process these big, scary events on a physical, mental, or emotional level. So, it does what it can. In the middle of it all a lot of children learn to shut down or mask emotionally.

If the child’s trauma is rooted in any type of abuse (physical, psychological, spiritual) then early on that child learns not to express their “scary” emotions. They aren’t allowed to cry, scream, or say “no”. Those types of behaviors result in punishment. As adults, these survivors can thus have an inability to express their emotions out of fear.

The same goes for children of neglect. Never taught how to handle their emotions, they become emotionally stunted too.

The cost is (more often than not) their intimate relationships. Without this heightened emotional intelligence, they can create toxic relationships with toxic people — and that reinforces their fear of rejection over time. Endless ebbs and flows overwhelm them with tough emotions and many come to think of relationships as a brutal emotional affair altogether.

Childhood trauma survivors who do not learn how to resolve their emotional issues, specifically their inability to emotionally regulate and express themselves in emotionally healthy ways, can find their fear of rejection endlessly triggered.

Negative reinforcements

There is so much childhood trauma that happens as a result of sheer ignorance. A big part of that happens through the use of “negative reinforcement”. In traditional or fundamental households, children are punished whenever they display behavior or belief that is displeasing to the parent. This can be taken to extremes where punishment crosses over into abusive behavior.

We tend to think of childhood trauma as something staged from the book, A Child Called It, but that’s not the case. The greatest portion of childhood trauma occurs from the negative reinforcements inflicted by parents who desired convenience or expediency.

Think children who got hit when they cried, or when they asked for something at the store. It’s also the kids who got screamed at when they were afraid, or who got told things like “Suck it up or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

While the parent who has casually traumatized their child in such a way doesn’t want to admit it, every time they harm their child through negative reinforcement they are blatantly rejection the child’s emotions — which is an extension of that child’s sense of self.

Do this again and again and you can wind up with an adult who is terrified of rejection. Why? They associate rejection (especially of their thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires) as a form of punishment. It literally sends “Danger!” signals to their brain and can send them into a state of fear and panic as they anticipate the pain they believe is coming.

Failed parental connection

Our parents are the first reference point we have in this world in terms of relationships. The way we connect with them defines the way we connect with others. No, it’s not as simple as “losing your dad = criminal”. It’s far more complicated than that. Every minute interaction with our parents informs how we develop our sense of self, our understanding of rejection, and our place in relationships.

It all starts with those initial bonds. The child who is securely nurtured by parents with their best interests at heart learns to build a safe community with others. Their fear of rejection isn’t so strong, because their negative association with rejection isn’t as strong. Why would it be? They’ve always had a loving village behind them to slow the bleeding.

That’s not the case for the child who ends up traumatized through a dysfunctional parent-offspring relationship.

When a child fails to attach to their parents in a secure way, everything is damaged. Children can experience developmental delays that affect cognition and therefore their ability to process thoughts and emotions. They’re instilled too with great insecurity.

Children who aren’t held in love and compassion by their parents wander through life consistently questioning, “Why not me? Why was I not good enough to be loved? Why didn’t they love me enough not to hurt me? What is so bad, evil about me that others treat me so poorly?”

Thought loops like this create patterns of behavior and insecure choices that lead right into the arms of toxic and dysfunctional relationships. There, the survivor of childhood trauma learns that all their worst beliefs about themselves and the world are reinforced.

Rooted in otherness

When you are traumatized as a child, it creates a sense of “otherness”. The worse that trauma is, the longer it is sustained without resolution, the stronger this otherness becomes. Take, for example, a child raised by a narcissistic family. After decades of emotional manipulation and abuse, they can feel a great deal of hurt that sets them apart from their peers. Somehow, they always feel like an outsider.

This otherness is both real and perceived…and it has a direct effect on someone’s fear of rejection (or rejection-sensitive dysphoria).

Look first at the very real experiences of the traumatized child. The damage done to them emotionally through trauma can cause changes in that child’s behavior that differentiate them from their peers. Maybe they act out and become menacing, or they shut down and become oddly cold, mature, and reserved. Some traumatized children mature too early.

Then there is the perceived otherness. Adult survivors of childhood trauma can believe that they are so unlovable or unworthy that they are apart from the “good people”. They form low perceptions of self and build their relationships accordingly (with narcissistic people more often than not).

Again, all of this can both contribute to and reinforce a fear of rejection. As the survivor builds twisted relationships, settling for the least in every way, they are hurt, denied, and outcast again and again from the love and compassion they desire so greatly.

Never showing up

We all know that abuse is a direct contributing factor to a child’s fear of rejection. Traumatized through pain and psychological manipulation, children’s entire perceptions are warped. The same, however, applies to neglect. The parent who doesn’t show up also reinforces a fear of rejection in their child and makes it harder for them to show up as partners in their future relationships.

How? Neglectful parents who don’t show up to support their children when needed or wanted create the idea (in the child) that they aren’t worth showing up for.

It matters little what the reasoning is. The parent who isn’t sitting in the front row at the band concert, or the football game, is sending a message to their child — you don’t matter as much as these other facets of my life.

For some children, this can be the first building block on which their fear of rejection is created. In adulthood, they are triggered any time they fear their loved ones “pulling away” or not supporting them. In that fear, many lash out or push away the people they love before they can be pushed and hurt.

To them, the rejection of being unsupported is like going back into that place of hurt and fear with the parent who wasn’t there for them. There are a lot of other emotions tied up into this fear of rejection too, not least of which are shame, guilt, and humiliation.

The best ways to overcome your trauma-based fear of rejection.

A fear of rejection is one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in the emotional rebuilding journey. It’s persistent. For trauma survivors, it can feel like something that seeps right into their bones. This fear can be overcome, however. Once we have received professional help to confront the core of our trauma we can take steps to conquer this rejection fear by:

1. Rebuilding your self-esteem: Rejection, as an experience, triggers insecurities. Someone is not as fearful of “being alone” as they are of being judged unlovable and unworthy, an outcast from all the people they love and value as comfort. To avoid the landmines of emotional triggers increasing self-esteem is a must.
2. Re-appraising your experience: Cognitive reappraisal is a powerful tool that can help us transform the way we perceive trauma. In essence, it’s the process of retraining your brain to process stimuli. Over time, you come to see rejection as an inevitable (and survivable) part of life that isn’t so overwhelming.
3. Embracing the opportunity: Once you have embraced frameworks for cognitive reappraisal, you can condition yourself to embrace the opportunities that inevitably arise on the other side of your failures. Broken up with? A better partner is coming. Did the company close? A new one will appear one way or the other.

With a solid sense of self-esteem in place, the obstacle of rejection doesn’t seem so fearsome. It becomes easier to bet on yourself, to believe that you can overcome the rejection and still achieve the love, and success you crave. It’s a critical first step in re-appraising your life experiences so that you can benefit — even from the negative ones.

There is always opportunity down the hall from one closed door. As a survivor, it’s up to you not to give up and to keep looking for the right door you can open to a better future.

Marici M, Clipa O, Runcan R, Pîrghie L. Is Rejection, Parental Abandonment or Neglect a Trigger for Higher Perceived Shame and Guilt in Adolescents? Healthcare (Basel). 2023 Jun 12;11(12):1724. doi: 10.3390/healthcare11121724. PMID: 37372842; PMCID: PMC10298591.

Jittayuthd S, Karl A. Rejection sensitivity and vulnerable attachment: associations with social support and PTSD symptoms in trauma survivors. Eur J Psychotraumatol. 2022 Jan 28;13(1):2027676. doi: 10.1080/20008198.2022.2027676. PMID: 35111286; PMCID: PMC8803066.

Langens, T. A., & Schüler, J. (2005). Written Emotional Expression and Emotional Well-Being: The Moderating Role of Fear of Rejection. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31(6), 818-830. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167204271556