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Our experiences shape us and help us become who we are. This includes the good experiences and the bad. As humans, we shape our beliefs, our values, and the way we see the world in the experiences we have with ourselves and with others. It all comes together to form our perception of the world, and when that perception is damaged, we struggle.

That’s especially true for survivors of narcissistic abuse. Being subjected to constant mental and emotional turmoil changes the way you see the world and the way you relate to yourself.

You are conditioned by this behavior to change yourself in every conceivable way, to deny yourself in every conceivable way. It becomes a pattern of your life. You can learn to turn yourself inside out for others, but never yourself.

What is narcissistic conditioning?

You can think of conditioning a lot like you can think of dog training. As you raise a dog, you reward them for good behavior in order to encourage more of it. For toxic owners, though, negative reinforcement allows them to instill fear that prohibits behaviors they dislike in their dogs. (Often at the cost of creating new, negative behaviors.)

They smack the dog when it pees on the floor. They scream at the dog when it tips over the trash and spreads it around the house. Over time, the dog learns to be scared when it feels the urge to play in the trash, or to wee on the floor. That’s very similar to the way narcissistic conditioning works.

To be conditioned by narcissistic abuse is to learn a pattern of self-denial and self-loathing.

Narcissistic conditioning is the behavioral programming we receive (subconsciously) after experiencing long-term narcissistic abuse. Our behaviors and our beliefs are changed. We are programmed to react in ways that are convenient for narcissists — not for our happiness.

The narcissist in our lives bullies us and terrorizes us with emotional reactions (Vrabel, 2019). Little-by-little, we learn to expect these reactions. We prepare for them around every corner to protect ourselves.

Most of us don’t even realize that we have been conditioned to attach ourselves to narcissistic behavior. Reacting in patterns of fear and self-defense, we wind up in cycles of self-denial and self-subjugation, which guarantee we spend the rest of our lives unhappy, scared, and emotionally isolated.

Signs of narcissistic conditioning.

Have you been conditioned by a narcissist? This specific type of multi-faceted abuse leaves us with an estranged sense of who we are, and can leave us in patterns of self-denial and self-sacrifice. None of these things, of course, result in a happy life. Quite the opposite. We end up with no idea how to be happy on our own terms.

You don’t know who you are

A key component of narcissistic conditioning is a separation from self. Whether your narcissist was a parent or a romantic partner, they will work hard to make sure you don’t have a firm command of who you are. Instead, they force you to see yourself as they see you (weak, less-than). As a result, you walk around in your life with no idea who you truly are.

You don’t know what you like

The narcissistic partner or parent separates not only you from your sense of self. They have to condition you to deny yourself the things you like. Your interests and passions feed into your self-esteem. The more you are tied to the things that make you “you” the more likely you are to hold true to yourself, your standards, and the way you deserve to be treated. After narcissistic abuse, it’s not uncommon to feel like you don’t know what you like anymore.

You base love on sacrifice

Narcissists aren’t big on letting their partners (or children) hold any kind of equal space in their relationships. Everyone around them is expected to come second, and that becomes part of the conditioning. Even if you manage to get away from them, you can genuinely come to believe that “good” love is based on sacrificing yourself and always put yourself second.

You change yourself for love

How do you view love? Do you change yourself for your partners? Do you feel like you have to act a certain way? Look a certain way? Have a certain job or a certain lifestyle? Narcissistic conditioning teaches us that we have to perform in order to earn love. There’s no loving someone strictly for love’s sake. Everything is merit based.

You sabotage your happiness

Would you describe yourself as a happy person? What makes you happy? How do you pursue those things in your everyday life? Narcissistic conditioning makes it hard for us to be happy. In fact, many of us become so used to having our happiness sabotaged by the narcissist that we learn to sabotage ourselves. We deny ourselves the things we want and learn to jump before we’re pushed.

The long-term effects of narcissistic conditioning.

The conditioning done by narcissistic abuse is far-reaching and long-lasting. It doesn’t end when our relationship with the narcissist ends. For many, it doesn’t even end with years of therapy. We are left scarred for decades and questioning ourselves, our right to be happy, and even the friendships we build.

Horrible relationships

The most common side effect of narcissistic conditioning is a pattern of horrible relationships. Narcissists don’t just condition us to deny ourselves, they condition us to seek relationships with others who deny us and hurt us as they did. It’s a pattern that can only be consciously broken by reprogramming your standards and beliefs in relationships.

A totally empty life

Fulfillment is a fundamental part of creating peace and happiness in our lives. We have to have our needs met across the board — which means taking an inside out approach to making sure we have all the things that make us feel engaged as a human.

We can’t get that fulfillment solely from romantic relationships, careers, or any other single thing. Happiness is multilayered, and it requires that we do things for ourselves as well as having needs met by others.

Narcissistic conditioning doesn’t allow for that. You are brainwashed into believing you shouldn’t do anything for yourself. So you don’t. In the end, you feel empty and feel separated from a genuine connection to your life and the world at large.

One-sided friendships

Our intimate relationships are certainly damaged by our exposure to narcissistic conditioning, but so too are our friendships. Take my own friendships as a shining example. I surrounded myself with women who were just like my mother — emotional vampires who didn’t care about me as long as I did endless emotional labor for them.

Narcissistic conditioning creates a pattern of self-sacrifice in more places than just our romantic connections. Your friendships can become one-sided and toxic, and your working relationships can run the same route. Self-sacrifice becomes the theme of your self-sabotage at every turn.

Damaged mental health

It will come as no surprise that our mental health is greatly damaged by narcissistic conditioning. On the other side of these toxic relationships, we can find ourselves dealing with depression and anxiety. There’s a huge dose of guilt and shame that comes with this type of conditioning. The narcissist has to keep us in these cycles (whether we’re with them or not) to hold power over us.

Long-term inner critic

One of the worst side effects of narcissistic conditioning revolves around our inner critic. The narcissist doesn’t just degrade us over time. They install their voice within us. They program us with their beliefs about us. We come to see all the worst things in ourselves and live with that voice inside of us.

That usually means you become your own biggest critic and enemy. Whenever you do something for yourself, you tear yourself down. You can become an expert at ripping yourself apart and talking yourself out of everything good. It’s self-sabotage meant to protect you from those memories of the narcissist’s rage.

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Do you suspect that you’ve been abused by a narcissistic person? Has it changed the way you perceive of yourself? We are changed by this constant battering of our self-esteem, needs, and desires. We are made small by narcissistic abuse, and put into boxes that make us miserable.

Breaking out of that conditioning has to begin with loving yourself. You must find the power to meet your own needs on your own terms. That requires knowing that you deserve better than denial, than pain, than gaslighting, and manipulation.

Become the cycle breaker you need in your life. Break down the walls, barriers, and expectations that are limiting you, and step into the light of who you were always meant to be: a happy, safe person.

Vrabel, J. K., Zeigler-Hill, V., Lehtman, M., & Hernandez, K. (2020). Narcissism and perceived power in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 37(1), 124-142. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519858685