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Narcissists aren’t created in a vacuum, despite what internet pop-psychology would have you believe. This personality disorder is complex and its development is complex too. Far-reaching and extremely damaging, the roots of narcissistic personality disorder run all the way back into childhood and how a person is parented from the start.

There is no confronting the potentially growing wave of narcissism without addressing all the contributing factors involved in its fostering. Parents are the ones who begin the process, and their effect on the development of narcissism has long been noted.

With this knowledge at hand, we can paint a more accurate picture of who the narcissist is. Arrogant and grandiose? Sure. Many, though, were also handed a flawed roadmap by the people who brought them into this world.

What a *truly* narcissistic personality looks like.

Before we can see how the omnipotent hand of the parent moves over the narcissist’s childhood, we have to understand what true narcissistic personality disorder looks like.

According to the current DSM-V criteria, someone with a narcissistic personality will exhibit 5 or more of the following symptoms (consistently):

• Grandiose delusion
• Obsession with self-brilliance
• Belief in singular uniqueness
• Need for extreme admiration
• Extreme sense of entitlement
• Easily exploits others
• Significant empathy deficit
• Overwhelming envy
• Evidence-free arrogance

It is important to remember, however, that these are diagnostic criteria which may not accurately encapsulate the arc of narcissistic personality disorder across all types. For this reason, proposed DSM-V criteria is also considered when assessing someone for this extreme warp in personality.

Narcissistic people are perhaps better viewed through the lens of specific pathological personality traits. Over time, they should show a consistent pattern of behavior. Namely, personality traits and behaviors that are high in antagonistic behaviors, grandiosity, and extreme attention-seeking behaviors.

The two parenting styles that contribute to narcissistic personality disorder.

Between 1971 and 1977, Austrian psychoanalyst Heinz Kohut established the self-psychology model, which he laid out in two books, The Analysis of Self and The Restoration of the Self. It was in these books that some of the first significant theories of narcissistic personality disorder (and its origins) were observed.

Specifically, Kohut described how parents may contribute to the development of narcissistic personality disorder in adulthood through two distinct parenting approaches.

Cold and aloof

First, Kohut noted the emotionally distant parent. Unable or unwilling to bond with their child on the appropriate emotional levels, they create children who are insecure in themselves and their environment. There’s a distinct lack of empathy in this parenting style, and can include mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive parents — as well as those neglectful ones.

While a warm parent teaches their child to feel secure, the parent on the other end of the spectrum does the opposite. They create such a world that their child cannot experiment with their sense of self. They don’t receive healthy validation, and that can create an adult who seeks that validation externally and grandiosely.

Grand self-projection

Then there is the other type of parent. Differing from the cold and aloof parent, the second type of parent to create narcissists was described as using their child as a direct source of self-esteem. They saw their children as extensions of themselves and, therefore, played up all their strengths while downplaying all the child’s shortcomings.

Over time, Kohut noted, this created a pattern of adults who experienced deep shame any time they made a mistake or did not live up to the grandiosity projected onto them by their parents.

Today, we can also see these patterns through the lens of covertly narcissistic parents, who create a mask of a happy, perfect family in order to boost their own egos (or to gain some sort of social validation).

While they may not meet the criteria for an “abusive” parent (because they always meet the child’s material needs), they also don’t create an environment in which the child can develop a sense of self outside of the parent’s demands.

How can we change this pattern?

If we can accept the hard truth that parents play a central role in the formation of narcissistic personality disorder (outside of the inherited aspects) then we can change this pattern across children of the future. Doing so will require an awareness, however, and a commitment to change that the aforementioned parenting types will struggle with most.

To break the pattern of parents who create narcissists, we, as a society, must:

• Create realistic parenting standards
• Hold terrible parents accountable
• Insistence on parental education

We must do away with the current delusions which exist around parenting and family. The family unit should not be used for personal validation or for the grandstanding of the parents’ ego. Leaving behind our “Brady Bunch” concepts, parents will then be free to live openly with their families and seek help for significant abnormalities.

Next, we all must move to hold terrible parents accountable. An endless supply for those who are insecure, narcissistic themselves, or otherwise abusive and controlling, parenting has too long been the last safe-house for toxic people.

We must call out parents who use their children to meet their own ends and demand a more empathetic and involved style of parenting across the board.

Last but not least is education. Parenting is one of the few jobs in the world that has no qualifications attached to it. We don’t give new parents as much as a “Dr. Spock” book when they leave the hospital with a newborn in their arms. It’s one of the most important roles in the world, and it has fewer qualifications than a commercial pilot.

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If society insists on a carte blanche approach to parenting, then society needs to provide parents with extensive and compulsory education on the development of children and appropriate parenting styles. With this, they must also provide compulsory mental and emotional health services.

There is no escaping the realities. Parents play a direct hand in creating the narcissists who become our partners, our parents, our friends, family, and coworkers. Swallowing this truth is bitter, but like any excellent medicine, it comes with transformative results on the other end.

We can break the pattern of narcissism and create a healthier society with healthier interpersonal relationships. To do that, we each have to get out of our own way, see our shared humanity, and accept that it means to be imperfect and in search of a better world.

Kring, A. M., Johnson, S. L., Davison, G. C., & Neale, J. M. (2017). Narcissistic Personality Disorder. In Abnormal Psychology. Hoboken, NJ: John Wiley & Sons