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Do you feel like something is off in your relationship? Maybe your new partner has become distant, or a new love interest has suddenly changed. What felt great one minute can feel like torture the next.

It’s made even worse when you’re certain that the person on the side of the confusion isn’t being upfront or honest. A relationship filled with mixed signals is more than confusing. It’s heartbreaking. When your partner isn’t being candid with you, when they change without giving you insight, it can make you feel insecure and unwanted.

To get things back on track, honesty is key. You deserve a partner who is open with their love and willing to meet you halfway.

What do mixed signals look like in a new relationship?

Every relationship is unique and the cracks show up differently inside of it. There are some common patterns we can look out for, however, which give us insight into what’s really going on beneath the surface. When someone’s words don’t match up with their deeds, the connection feels strange and that can spiral into a lot of scenarios we then have to contend with.

Running hot and cold

Have you ever been with someone who runs hot and cold with you? They are all over you one moment, then distant the next. You’re making plans with them about the future, then you can’t get them to open up.

Everything they do has a hint of unpredictability to it. They are only around when it’s convenient to them or they’re getting something they want out of the deal.

Committed to unavailable

The reason so many people hold on to terrible relationships is confusion. They get confused about the way they feel, and they get confused about the way the other person feels.

It’s not made better when the other person is sending mixed signals. When you’re together, they say all the right things…but then they’re never around. It’s a head game when the person you love is always unavailable and their commitment to commitment appears minimal or in last place.

Path of breadcrumbs

Few relationship behaviors are more confusing than breadcrumbing. When someone does this, they draw you close with attention and then push you away again.

Usually, this looks like lots of texting and plans, but they always back off, cancel or disappear when the time comes to take the commitment to the next level. Just when you give up, they reappear but always keep you at arm’s length (and surface deep).

Getting in the middle

The alignment of action and words is so important when looking at mixed signals. Misalignments are apparent when you’re getting mixed signals. One way we can spot this is by looking for interference.

Pay attention to a partner who interferes with things that are important to you. They may say they want you to be successful, but then create messes that prevent that success. Or they may break up with you and then interfere in new relationships.

Post-breakup hookups

The mixed signals don’t always end when the relationship ends. That’s especially true when your ex keeps the physical connection going.

In many couples, this looks like partners who continue to “hook up” and maintain sexual benefits after the emotional commitments end. Your partner pushes you away but continues to demand physical tribute from you. It can make you believe there’s more hope than there really is.

Seeking greener pastures

When we commit to a relationship with someone, there are certain expectations. In a monogamous couple, this expectation is that each partner will commit only to the other.

They won’t stray with others. If a partner or spouse then flirts outside of the relationship, it can send mixed signals. In fact, it can cause you to doubt your partner’s commitment to you and how they feel about you.

How to confront mixed signals in your relationship.

When you’re trapped with someone who runs hot and cold with you, it makes the relationship stiff and uneasy. You never know what to expect and that can make it as though you’re walking on eggshells.

For you to get out of this toxic cycle, take action to set things right.

1. Clarify the interpretation: Before you launch into some dramatic or heroic action, make sure you know what you’re looking it. Check your own insecurities and projections before confronting someone over their behaviors. Verify, too, the boundaries you have set.
2. Decide on the realities: Once you are clear on what’s really going on — or not going — you can decide on the reality of the situation you’re in. How are you going to confront your partner? Are you going to ask for what you need? Consider the ultimate outcome.
3. Communicate your needs: If you’re getting mixed signals, you’re left with two options. First, you can address the problem and fix the relationship. That’s done by expressing your feelings, needs, and boundaries. Then, changing behavior.
4. Take a different direction: Action is the last step to facing any relationship issue we have. Knowledge alone is not enough. You can’t just spot the pattern, you must change the behavior to ensure the discomfort doesn’t reoccur.

The most important thing to remember? Don’t settle in all of this. Don’t let yourself slide into a familiar place of unease. A relationship that is rooted in mixed signals is a relationship that will wear you down with time. You owe it to yourself and your future to handle the issue up-front and honestly.

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Our relationships reflect who we think we are and what we think we deserve. To accept the mixed signals of a partner is to accept that you deserve to build a life on shifting sands.

You don’t. You deserve stability, love, and support. So give yourself the opportunity to get those things. Do right by yourself and your relationships. Build a love that nourishes you and look forward to a future you can celebrate.

Johnson MD, Lavner JA, Mund M, Zemp M, Stanley SM, Neyer FJ, Impett EA, Rhoades GK, Bodenmann G, Weidmann R, Bühler JL, Burriss RP, Wünsche J, Grob A. Within-Couple Associations Between Communication and Relationship Satisfaction Over Time. Pers Soc Psychol Bull. 2022 Apr;48(4):534-549. doi: 10.1177/01461672211016920. Epub 2021 May 24. PMID: 34027722; PMCID: PMC8915221.

Zoppolat, Giulia & Faure, Ruddy & Alonso-Ferres, María & Righetti, Francesca. (2022). Mixed and Conflicted: The Role of Ambivalence in Romantic Relationships in Light of Attractive Alternatives. Emotion. 22. 10.1037/emo0001055.