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Where does trauma sit in the story of the narcissist? So many of them have a childhood like that of my mother. They were subjected to horrors unimaginable, but at some point, they became the wielders of this horror for their children and anyone else who loves them. Why? When? At what point does a narcissistic person move from being the one that is hurt to inflicting the hurt?

It’s a complex process, just like narcissists themselves.

Over time, and through their own personal experiences, they are conditioned to use their behaviors to get what they want. Lines get crossed and their worst traits are rewarded for it. That is when the narcissistic person sees it…the opportunity. Trauma becomes the storyline not only of their pasts but of their futures too. Make no mistake, the narcissist chooses to become the villain in the story.

Narcissistic personality disorder and the myth of trauma.

A dangerous trauma myth has been cultivated around narcissism in online spaces. Whether from misinformed pseudo-experts, or narcissists trying to shift blame from their own poor behavior, the narrative has been created that all narcissism and NPD come from the experience of trauma alone.

This is, of course, absurd.

There’s more than childhood trauma at play with narcissism. For someone to exhibit the full traits of this life-destroying personality disorder, there are several interacting factors at play:

• Environment (including their culture)
• Genetic inheritance
• Unbalanced neurobiology

Can childhood trauma be a part of the environment that shapes a narcissistic person? Would someone with NPD likely have a history of childhood trauma? Sure. What is important to remember is that this is not the only environment that shapes a narcissistic person. Even the most positive of childhoods, filled with positive emotional reinforcement, can breed narcissistic people.

Personality disorders are complex, and they don’t originate from one single cause. The human personality is complex, and we draw that personality from a number of places — including our genes and our neurobiology.

People with NPD are born can be born prone to it (significant trauma or not) because of their genes and the way their brains are wired/developed.

For us to understand narcissism, for us to help those with NPD to manage their behavior there has to be full accountability. Blaming all of the narcissistic experience on trauma alone is not honest, and it is not empowering narcissists to be accountable for the negative behaviors they choose. It allows them to de-personalize, to shift blame to something other than a desire to hurt those who have disappointed them.

This is often where the journey from victim to perpetrator begins for a narcissistic abuser. Learning to blame their anger, their insecurities, and their resentments on their trauma enables them to control what others think of them (and therefore control others).

When does the narcissist stop being a victim of trauma and turn into a perpetrator of it?

Even with trauma considered, there is often a point at which someone with NPD moves from being a victim to the perpetrator of more trauma. Where is the line crossed? Where do their childhood traumas end and personal accountabilities begin? It’s different for every narcissist, but the journey always looks a little something like this…

Looking to escape the pain

The path to becoming a perpetrator is oiled with good intentions. Narcissists often know trauma early on in life, which creates a person who is in search of relief from that pain. This can be the first place that the narcissistic tendencies stretch their legs, to then be rewarded by the attention or the validation that the narcissistic person receives from it.

Narcissistic people are not inwardly directed, which is why they struggle with self-soothing. It’s also the driving force behind their need for external validation and praise.

Seeking relief from their pain, narcissists externalize their desires and their needs. They look to the world to soothe them, to tell them that they are still important or special despite their trauma. True narcissists are externally directed, but this drive for the world to validate them is dangerous.

Once narcissistic people expect to find peace in the external experience, they see the world as responsible for them. They project themselves onto everyone and demand that everyone in their lives eases their pain and insecurity. These people are expected to do that by obeying and affirming the narcissist’s delusions of themselves.

This is where their partners and their children become responsible for the emotional state of the narcissist. It all stems from that original, narcissistic urge to be soothed by the world ( a skill narcissists don’t have for themselves).

Grandiose projections

Narcissistic people of all types have grandiose projections. They either want to be the biggest victor, or the biggest victim, in the room. Both of these paths lead them further down the path into the isolation of their narcissism. As they strive to fulfill their grandiose expectations of themselves, narcissistic people become perpetrators of the trauma they claim in their pasts.

The state of projection increases and grows more powerful for the narcissist over time. It grows to include everyone in their inner circles (and often beyond).

First, they center themselves in a delusional storyline. This can be anything. Maybe they demand that their family treats them as an unquestionable god. Or, they could be going for a big promotion at work or trying to paint themselves as the most helpless person in the room.

The point is for the narcissist to feel important. It’s for them to get the validation or supply they need in order to silence their insecurities (for a time). For this reason, they expect others to always reinforce delusion. Their importance and control cannot be denied, because it reminds them of the insecurities and fears they’re trying to mask.

Sacrificial relationships

Next, the narcissist’s behavior amplifies and their empathy dissipates even more as they begin to form consciously sacrificial relationships. These are connections with those they see as expendable. Connections like this are formed superficially with friends, romantic partners, and even their own families. They idealize, get in deep, and then use those they attach to for providing emotional or material supply.

Somewhere along the line, the narcissist learns to see others as less deserving of them in every aspect of life. Even though insecure, they want to be the best and they believe they should have it before others.

Along the way, narcissist learns that they can sacrifice other people (emotionally) in order to get what they want. They learn that people are expendable, and they play out their worst behaviors and fantasies without so much as considering how it will affect the other person.

Everyone is a target when it comes to their pursuit of fulfillment, self-esteem, or material and social success. If you’re attached to the narcissist, you can either give them what they want or face destruction — the final stage of narcissistic relationships and the most dangerous, too.

Weaponizing their inner world

For many narcissists, relationship manipulation isn’t a matter of grandiose or overtly toxic behavior. Sure, some narcissistic people scream and shout. They threaten and terrorize their partners and children out in the open. But not all so. Some take a quieter path. Specifically, learning how to weaponize their pain for consumption and supply.

All trauma is a tool to covertly narcissistic individuals wield in an order to shed accountability and maintain their supply or control.

Many narcissistic people (especially those with an NPD diagnosis) figure out how to *consciously* weaponize their trauma or pain. They will bring up their trauma any time someone tries to hold them accountable for their behavior. They use it to sway opinions and maintain delusions.

We all share our trauma, we may even tell it to a friend in the hopes that deepened bonding is possible. But a narcissist does it with the conscious intention of changing the way someone treats them or avoiding accountability for their own poor behavior. It’s a means of malicious manipulation.

At this point, the narcissistic person takes their next great strides toward becoming a perpetrator of mental and emotional violence. They are learning to control others to their own ends and learning that their pain can be used to inflict pain on those who displease them.

Making conscious choices

What is the one thing that gets left out of most conversations about narcissism? Choice. Narcissistic people who become abusers do so out of choice. At some point, they realize that they are able to use their negative effects on others to get what they want. If they scream, if they cry, if make someone feel scared, they can get their way. That’s what matters most to them — getting whatever idea of “perfect” it is that they want at that moment.

The final nail in the perpetrator’s coffin is placed when the narcissistic person makes a conscious choice to prioritize their desires over the comfort, safety, or happiness of their loved ones.

We see this in the narcissist who behaves well in public while misbehaving behind closed doors. Rarely would a narcissistic person ever talk to a boss, a congregation peer, or even a stranger on the street the way they walk to the people who love them at home. It’s all a part of the mask.

Truly narcissistic people lean into their bad behavior and consciously edit that behavior around different people. They can (and they will) turn their worst behaviors on and off in front of the people they want to control or impress…the people who matter most to them.

For those at home, the choice is different. They claim to be out of control and vomit all their insecurities and negativities onto their children and spouses. But that family sees the truth when the mask comes back on. The abusive narcissist doesn’t lose control in public. They are aware of themselves and they choose to act the way they act.

What does this understanding mean for the survivors of NPD abusers?

Everyone is done a disservice when we pretend that a narcissist once victimized is no longer responsible for the perpetrator they become. The past is a part of the story. It is not to blame for what we chose in this moment or who we choose to become. Narcissistic abusers make the conscious choice to hurt those who love them.

Accepting that reality empowers us to protect ourselves against these highly manipulative personality types. Accept the duality that exists between their past and the present self, and in that space:

• Hold them in empathy, but don’t act on it: You can acknowledge the trauma a narcissistic person has experienced without acting on it and allowing them to cross your boundaries or to hold space in your emotional life. Nod to their pain but take care of your own. Don’t allow a narcissistic person’s suffering to become an excuse for creating more in your life.
• Look at the choices involved: Look at the most narcissistic person in your life. Consider how they treat you, then how they treat someone who they perceive to be “better” than them or “above” them. Do you see the “on/off” switch? See how they can control themselves around others but not you? This indicates a choice in their worst behavior…and bad intentions.
• Center better resources: Pay close attention to the narcissistic abuse information you are ingesting on the internet. Any “expert” who claims that narcissism is solely a trauma disorder is displaying a dangerous lack of research (at best). At worst, they are positioning themselves (and potentially dangerous people) as victims who should be given a free pass for their bad behavior. Don’t allow them to spread harmful misinformation.

The journey to narcissistic abuse recovery is fraught with hardships. It’s full of insecurity, self-doubt, and scary actions that can make us feel alone before they make us feel safe. It’s all a part of climbing out of the hole that this abuse puts us into.

So many of us are fighting on this path. That’s what makes it so important for us to do so genuinely and with the right intentions. Playing the same games, and allowing ourselves to be manipulated with false narratives, we can no longer afford to waste our time in this way.

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Understand that trauma alone is not the basis for Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The human personality (and experience) is so complex. We become who we are through the environment, genetics, and through our neurobiology. The narcissist is no different. Stop allowing them to water down the storyline and cast themselves out of accountability in the process.

Even when trauma is a part of history, it doesn’t excuse someone who chooses to be abusive and manipulative in the present moment. Full accountability, for narcissistic people, must require full accountability — which includes acknowledging that their narcissism is engrained into the very fabric of who they are.

The truth will set us free. Half-truths and lies will not. Choose to be on the side of truth.

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